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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to stay in a job he is unhappy in for abit longer

51 replies

username99382727 · 13/06/2019 13:04

DH is not happy in his job. He has been looking for a new job for a while. I obviously want him to be happy and find a new job. However I have since found out I'm pregnant. It means if he was to find a new job now he would not be entitled to paternity leave. Also some of the jobs he is applying for include unsociable hours. I'm really concerned if he does get a new job not only will he not necessarily be able to take time off. But also when I had our first DC I found the newborn stage really hard. If he often has to work late evenings i think I will really find it hard. In his current company they allow you to take two weeks paternity then two weeks holiday if you wish so he would have a full month off at the start.
I do feel really selfish asking this of him. Especially as one of the jobs he has applied for he would love to get and probably won't come back up again in the near future. AIBU to ask him to look for a new job once baby is born just so he can have his paternity?

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 13/06/2019 13:10

Yes and no all at the same time. You both need an open and honest discussion about how you will manage with the baby.

Geminijes · 13/06/2019 13:15

You want to put your own happiness etc ahead of your husbands.

How long do you want him to delay looking/applying for a new job?

You mention you find the new born stage really hard so at age will the baby be before you think you will find it easier to cope with two young children?

You need to have an in depth discussion with your husband. Your feelings/happiness shouldn't trump his so you're going to have to find a compromise.

NoSquirrels · 13/06/2019 13:16

How long before you have the baby? Are you only newly pregnant?

Especially as one of the jobs he has applied for he would love to get and probably won't come back up again in the near future.

I think you need to compromise - he should only apply for jobs he would love to get in this period, until you have had the baby, and then he can go back to searching more widely if he is unhappy.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/06/2019 13:17

To stop him getting a job he would love and which you say wouldn't come up again for the sake at two weeks (well it used to be weeks) paternity is madness and yes, unreasonable. He's at work to help support his family, how miserable must that be if you're doing a job you hate.

Oneweekleft · 13/06/2019 13:18

Yanbu but maybe if you are just pregnant and he gets the job straight away hed still be entitled to some holiday and can book it for the time you are due. Is there anyone else who could help you out with your newborn? 9 months is a long time to stay somewhere you don't like and him being miserable won't help anyone. On the other hand he could at least try and find jobs which were better suited to family lifestyle e.g. not too many late shifts. Just discuss it with him in a non confrontational way and see if there are any solutions.

Superlooper · 13/06/2019 13:19

I think you are a bit. At least another 9 months in a job he hates for the sake of 2 weeks paternity (doesn't everyone get paternity?) Presume he will still get to take 2 weeks annual leave.

If he gets a job offer, I would be requesting time off for the birth at that stage...just letting the new employer know it's non negotiable

Dollywilde · 13/06/2019 13:19

I don't think you're necessarily unreasonable. We're TTC at the moment and DH is looking for a new role - he's not super unhappy but has come to the end of the road with the job and needs a new challenge. However, his current employer offers excellent paternity/SPL benefits which mean that we can spend a lot of time together during the early months of any baby we may go on to have. We've therefore come up with an agreement that he continues to look/interview, we consider any job he may get on its merits, but if I get a BFP he stops looking so we can make the most of his benefits. In the same way, he'd be reticent about me leaving my job after a BFP because of the impact it would have on our finances and time spent with the baby - he'd support me if I were really truly unhappy, but if I could stick it out for 9 months then he'd encourage me to do so. It's the same both ways to be honest!

You need to talk about this with him Smile

AyBeeCee10 · 13/06/2019 13:21

I get what you're saying but I think overall yabu. Asking him to stick with something for a few months, and you might find that he becomes a very angry, resentful person. I'm not sure what's the solution. Did you ask him as yet? How does he feel about it.

blackteasplease · 13/06/2019 13:23

I don't think it's "selfish" at all! You both made the baby.

He wants to pass over some of his responsibility re the baby to you.

user1497787065 · 13/06/2019 13:23

I had my children before paternity leave was heard off and sorry, we just got on with it. With my first I remember my DH picked
Me up from hospital at noon and was back at work at 2pm.
Just get on with it. I

Corrina89 · 13/06/2019 13:28

I’ve been in this situation
We’re my partner was u happy with his job ( his brilliant at his job)
It ended up getting that bad he lost his hair patches in his beard nose bleeds on a regular basis
Constantly arguing to the point of it getting to much all we could do was go our separate ways !
..
he would be constantly ill to the point he would sleep for 3 days straight only waking up for a drink or to go to the toilet it was bad scary worrying !!!
Finally got himself another job ..
He has never been better yes he has a odd crap day but nothing like how he was before .. no patchy beard nose bleeds or anything ..
Our relationship is back on track now ..
His health is more important than money never want us to go through that again x

AngelicInnocent · 13/06/2019 13:30

Being in a job you hate is soul destroying. It changed me in so many ways and, to be honest I was so miserable at home because I knew I had to go back the next day, it put a real strain on my family too. Add that to the stress of a new baby and it might not be worth the 2 weeks paternity leave.

wombat1a · 13/06/2019 13:32

YABU, if he is unhappy in his job then that is going to make things worse when the baby comes. Better he is in a job he is happy in for everyone's sake.

Ladybirdgal · 13/06/2019 13:38

I can see your point especially with him getting paternity leave; however, I agree with other posters regarding working in a job you hate which can be soul crushing.

You can express your concerns to him but if at the end of the day he wants to find a new job, I think you need to let him.

PhillipeFellope · 13/06/2019 13:46

Dh changed jobs shortly before I gave birth and wasn't entitled to paternity (well, paternity pay, I'm sure everyone is entitled to paternity leave. He took a few days as annual leave/holiday and it was approved quickly, I had already been out of hospital a few days so it didn't make much difference anyway. Would that not be a possibility?

YABU to expect him to remain in a job he hates for the sake of a fortnight.

Bluerussian · 13/06/2019 13:49

If he is offered the job he wants, could he not stipulate that he will need X amount of time off when you have the baby? As firms honour existing holiday arrangements, they might agree to that.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/06/2019 13:52

If he's not thoroughly miserable he should stay for paternity leave, another year isn't the end of the world.

If he is stressed to the hilt, then you would be unreasonable. If he gets and is offered a better job get him to request a fortnight's holiday at the outset.

mooning123 · 13/06/2019 13:54

I think this is incredibly selfish.

do you work? what if you wanted to change jobs because you are unhappy and DH asked you to stick it out a lot longer.

he is not going to jack his job on. he is looking for another job. and paternity leave is 2 weeks only so worse case he could take that as annual leave. have you checked if he would really not be entitled to paternity leave? I started a new job just pregnant and qualified for the full (statutory) maternity package.

JoJoSM2 · 13/06/2019 13:55

Does he know you're pregnant? What does he think about managing the newborn period?

Thehop · 13/06/2019 13:58

I think staying in a job that makes him unhappy for 7/8 more months? For the sake of 2 weeks pay is a bit unreasonable yes, I’m sorry.

Maybe save the lost pay over the next 7/8 months and take 2 weeks family leave?

choli · 13/06/2019 13:58

OP Do you have a job? Is it one you hate?

lazyarse123 · 13/06/2019 14:01

As a pp said plenty of women managed before paternity was a thing. You sound quite selfish wanting him to carry on working somewhere that will eventually affect his mental health and that will have a big impact on your life. I speak from experience with my husband, I didn't ask him to carry on working but he did for far longer than he should have. He is still affected occasionally and we are 10 years down the line.

SilverySurfer · 13/06/2019 14:13

So for how long exactly are you expecting your DH to remain unhappy in his job? Until he has a breakdown or a heart attack? You say you feel selfish asking him to stay in a job he hates- yes it's incredibly selfish. Why are you having another child if can't cope?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/06/2019 14:30

With #2 dh went back to work at 4 days. Yes we survived, but it was hard going. Dh would have loved to have been off for longer, but had changed jobs shortly before we found out I was pregnant. He hadn't liked his previous job but would have stuck it to have time off after the birth.

So as I said previously, if it is just a matter of not liking it and wanting something better, then I would remind him that changing jobs would remove his entitlement to paternity and then leave him to make his choice.

CreakingKnees · 13/06/2019 14:33

It's very selfish to expect him to stay in a job that he hates OP.
If he doesn't apply for jobs that catch his eye now, they may not be available when he looks again in the future.
For the sake of 2 weeks leave it really isn't worth it.
What is worth it is a happier husband as this makes a happier home life.
I've been in a job that i absolutely hated and it was hell, so i fully sympathise with your DH.
You will be fine once your baby arrives, i know it may not seem like it now, but it will.
Don't start your child's birth with an angry and resentful father when it can be avoided.

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