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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to stay in a job he is unhappy in for abit longer

51 replies

username99382727 · 13/06/2019 13:04

DH is not happy in his job. He has been looking for a new job for a while. I obviously want him to be happy and find a new job. However I have since found out I'm pregnant. It means if he was to find a new job now he would not be entitled to paternity leave. Also some of the jobs he is applying for include unsociable hours. I'm really concerned if he does get a new job not only will he not necessarily be able to take time off. But also when I had our first DC I found the newborn stage really hard. If he often has to work late evenings i think I will really find it hard. In his current company they allow you to take two weeks paternity then two weeks holiday if you wish so he would have a full month off at the start.
I do feel really selfish asking this of him. Especially as one of the jobs he has applied for he would love to get and probably won't come back up again in the near future. AIBU to ask him to look for a new job once baby is born just so he can have his paternity?

OP posts:
Original poster
username99382727 · 13/06/2019 15:32

Thanks everyone for your advice. He is unhappy in his job but I wouldn't say he hates it to the point of making him ill. Having said that I agree it would be unfair of me to ask him to stay on. I think it's the unsociable hours of the potential new jobs that's part of my problem.
I Will speak to him tonight and just ask that if he does get any of the jobs he at least speaks to them about paternity leave whether that be as unpaid or as annual leave . I am already three months pregnant. It's only been 6 months he's been unhappy caused by massive changes in the company. He initially just tried to get use to the changes but things haven't improved so I know he needs a new job.

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 13/06/2019 15:50

Can't he just get a new job and take 2 weeks annual leave? 2 weeks paternity leave isn't worth staying in a job you don't like.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/06/2019 16:03

I think it depends how unsociable the hours are in the new jobs he's applying for, as that's more important than the 2 weeks paternity pay.
You need to think ahead to when /if you're going back to work after maternity, how his job will impact on that and how much parenting he'll be able to do.

poopypants · 13/06/2019 16:05

Geminijes
You want to put your own happiness etc ahead of your husbands.
No, she wants to put the pregnancy and need for paternity leave to help with THEIR dc before his short term happiness. Sheesh.

poopypants · 13/06/2019 16:10

It depends on a few things.
How much does he dislike his job? You have said he doesn't hate it.
How much do you need him during the period after birth? Some people need more help than others. This is OK and NOT something to be criticised for. Some people have family close by, some people have no one. Some people struggle with PND, some don't. YOUR needs and BABY'S needs must come into the decision.
To everyone screaming 'SELFISH' and thinking that the DHs wants come before a pregnant woman and baby's needs are just ridiculous. It's THEIR baby and THEIR first Dc. Of course they should be considered first. When you have a family, sometimes you suck up being in a job you don't love for the short term. It's called 'being responsible'.

justasking111 · 13/06/2019 16:15

Being self employed OH had to dash from hospital back to work I barely saw him that summer he had to work such long hours. You will manage. I see single parents on here who have it much tougher.

Whattodofgs · 13/06/2019 16:18

Being in a job you hate is soul destroying.

^^ This sums it up for me.

Preggosaurus9 · 13/06/2019 16:21

Ah the martyrs are out in force. Of course he should take the 2 weeks paternity. It's not unreasonable to want and expect the support of your partner. Whether as annual leave or as paternity, what does it matter? It sounds like the working hours are the real concern, I wouldn't be happy with a change from sociable to unsociable hours. Why the change? Usually promotions happen the other way round.

ch3rrycola · 13/06/2019 16:23

As someone who hates their job YABU

maimainomai · 13/06/2019 16:26

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

Your husband’s and your primary responsibility is your child / your Children.

Can’t he start looking but stay in this one until he finds on that works for him and the whole family? Which includes work hours, btw.

Financial worries and insufficient spousal support after birth (like no paternity leave) could also be genuinely harmful to the OP and their dc....

crustycrab · 13/06/2019 16:51

"one of the jobs he has applied for he would love to get and probably won't come back up again in the near future. AIBU"

Yes you are. And when the time comes for you to go back to work, him doing shift work will be so much easier on the family when it comes to childcare arrangements.

Paternity leave is 10 days. Hardly life changing. But a job he would absolutely love (is it a firefighter?) is life changing.

crustycrab · 13/06/2019 16:53

Who said anything about financial worries Maimai?

mindutopia · 13/06/2019 16:55

Paternity leave is just two weeks. Surely, he can just take 2 weeks of annual leave and if you are smart saving for the next 9 months, he can take 2 extra weeks unpaid leave as well.

My dh is self employed. He gets no paternity leave. We just put some money aside while I was pregnant and he took 3 ish weeks off unpaid. It’s worth having that time even if you have to sacrifice for it, but if he gets offered a job he loves he should take it - but that’s assuming it’s conducive to family life. If he’ll never he around, then no it’s worth waiting for something with hours that fit everyone’s needs.

DinkyTie · 13/06/2019 23:48

Well I think yanbu OP

The first 6 months of dd1 life was hell for me. And it was a job I couldn't just leave. If dh had have left his great job that allowed him to be home by 6 pm during this time for his own happiness we wouldn't have made it

And to the pp @userfuckingwhatever bore off with your 'we just cracked on with it' idiot comment.

Not easy to just crack on When you have pnd.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2019 23:54

YANBU op but it's 6 months more til you have the baby, then 6 months minimum before you should feel happy with the two. But it could be longer. You're asking. Him to stay somewhere he's unhappy for an undefined period of time, whilst jobs he'd love pass him by.

It. Might not be making him ill yet, but in another year or so it may well be

However if he's taking an unsociable hours job, he does need to think how he still sees his children and pulls his weight in the house

Hithere12 · 13/06/2019 23:57

YABU. Your poor husband. From your title I thought he was just going to leave his job with no back up plan. I would be unhappy if my partner was unhappy.

poopypants · 14/06/2019 08:46

Hithere12 and your comment goes both ways. If the OP is left struggling with a newborn and a toddler because you chose to change jobs to one that meant shift work and time away from home, then you would be leaving THEM unhappy. But you seem to think one persons happiness is more important than the other's. The OP can't just 'change jobs'. She is stuck with the responsibility they BOTH signed up to. Ie, having babies. If the OP struggles, the whole family will suffer but you feel that is preferable to poor dh being in a job he doesn't like but doesn't hate either for a few more months. How does your brain work?

LadyRannaldini · 14/06/2019 22:04

You could be storing up a lot of resentment down the line if you make everything about you, he is entitled to be happy in his work, your family will depend on him.

clairedelalune · 14/06/2019 22:47

The thing which is probably keeping him going with the job is the thought that he might get out of it soon. I went through an awful time at work and the impact it had on my family was awful until I found a new job, which thankfully was not long. As pps have said, it is soul destroying. I understand your concerns but I think he will be more use to you and your family if he is happy in his job. Could he not just take holiday or unpaid leave?

Hithere12 · 15/06/2019 01:04

@poopypants are you following me over threads or something?

poopypants · 15/06/2019 11:59

Hithere12 haha no, I wasn't sure what you meant but I've figured it out. Lol. Nope.

IhaveALooBrush · 15/06/2019 12:04

Can he put off new job hunting for a while? Not forever but until the new baby has come?
I don't thinks its unreasonable to ask him to postpone it for a while.
Obviously if he's applying for his all time dream job that's a little bit different.
Different circumstances but I stayed in my much hated job for a year whilst DH set up his company so we had one guaranteed wage coming in.

ButtercupGirI · 15/06/2019 12:09

May be I am missing something? Paternity leave is only 1 week paid and 1 week unpaid. You want him to stay in the job he hates for pretty long time for the sake of 1 week paid leave? You can take other unpaid parental leave on top of usual holidays if he is not entitle to paternity leave in the new job.

Butteredghost · 15/06/2019 12:22

Sorry I think YABU. YANBU to want him to take time off, but that doesn't have to be PL, it could be annual leave, unpaid leave, etc.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/06/2019 12:34

All this talk of 'you want'...the dh may should want to be there for as long as possible with his wife and new child.

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