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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is friend BU for sending me photos of her holidays whilst I’m recently bereaved?

60 replies

Kukumbr · 12/06/2019 21:52

3 days ago a very close relative died. I am obviously very upset about this. Best friend (let’s call her A!) knew relative was ill and about to pass, and that they had passed. I got an ‘I’m sorry’ and when I tried to carry on talking about it I simply received a ‘:(‘ emoji. Fine, sometimes there’s just nothing to say, would’ve appreciated the effort of a few more words but okay. Have spoken on and off about the death, plus other things, over the last few days since it happened. However today she’s just sending me her holiday pictures, hasn’t asked how I am doing. I know life goes on and I may be expecting too much. I feel like she’s the type of friend where if it doesn’t directly involve her, it doesn’t concern her, and she is quite selfish and only ever talks about herself really. I am feeling aggrieved that she’s sending me holiday pictures whilst I’m sat here in tears grieving my relative.

Sorry for wall of text. Try and go easy, I am still fragile

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 12/06/2019 22:30

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, hope you are ok. And rest assured, YANBU.

Provincialbelle · 12/06/2019 22:35

Yanbu at all. She is a thoughtless selfish cow. Well rid of her

Biber · 12/06/2019 22:43

So sorry for your loss. You are very very very definitely NOT BU. Your 'friend' has been and you are wise to keep the boundaries up. Right now you need your strength to get through this and concentrate on your own grief and those directly involved and hurting. Dealing with the realities as they come up as you have to. Wishing you strength to get through this difficult time.

Chocolate35 · 12/06/2019 22:43

Sorry for your loss OP.
We had this conversation recently with a friend. Her dad died last year and one of her so called best friends disappeared apart from a couple of texts. My friend told her outright that she was really disappointed in her lack of decency and care. The friendship was ruined and didn’t continue.
Your friend has been really insensitive. Ignore her messages. Do you have support from others? No one needs shit friends.

BananaCatto · 12/06/2019 22:47

Sorry for your loss.

Without background about your friend I would have said that it’s quite hard for others when you’re bereaved. They don’t know what to say or do and sometimes feel that they should just talk about normal fiends.

My best friends did the opposite when my mum died. They just didn’t talk to me. Because for them they didn’t want to talk about every day, ‘mundane’ things when I had this Massive Thing happen to me (I was a teenager).

Rainbowknickers · 12/06/2019 22:50

Sending hugs
Years ago a really close friend died we knew it was coming but it was still a shock
I rang my mother and all she could say was ‘oh,I know she meant a lot to you (this lady was more of a mother than my real mother) don’t forget I want that £150 off you today’
I went no contact 6 months later
You really need to faze her out

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2019 22:51

"I have tried to withdraw from this friendship several times previously but end up drawn back in. She is too draining, and clearly doesn’t care about me."
I'm guessing she drew you back in because you were too polite to tell her to fuck off. Maybe now would be the time to be less polite?

YANBU, and I am sorry for your loss.

tenlittlecygnets · 12/06/2019 23:17

She is a thoughtless, selfish cow. Yanbu at all.

Take this chance to dump her and never be there when she needs you. She may realise what a twat she’s been.

I’m so sorry for your loss, op.

stayorgonow · 12/06/2019 23:34

A friend came to see me before my youngest's funeral. She then proceeded to pressure me into giving her sponsorship money (I had no proof she did the thing required I sponsored her, I agreed a year before when I was pregnant ).

She then told me about her life, smoked and was not interested in me talking about DC or anything.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, a friend in need etc. She's shown you how much she actually cares for your welfare and pain

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/06/2019 23:36

The emoji text essentially translates to ‘I want to come across as though I care, but I’m bored with this now so I’m not encouraging any further discussion’.

I think this is someone to file under the heading ‘fair weather friend’. I’m sure she’s fine for a night out and a bit of a laugh, but she’s not someone you can rely on when the chips are down.

OldAndWornOut · 12/06/2019 23:43

Life does go on, but its reasonable to take a few minutes, or hours, or days out of it to comfort and listen to a friend when they need it.
Saying that, I know through bitter experience that its too much to expect from some people.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 13/06/2019 17:29

Thank you everyone

OP posts:

hazell42 · 13/06/2019 18:18

Looking on it charitably, could it be that your friend doesn't realise quite how close you were to the relative?
Could it be that they are trying to distract you from your grief in a misguided attempt to cheer you up?
It is very easy to upset people when they are bereaved, because, understandably, they are at their lowest point when the world seems a strange and cruel place. But very few people deliberately set out to upset someone who is grieving.
People worry about saying the wrong thing, about not talking about the deceased, or talking about them and upsetting you.
Bereavement is so awful that it is common for grieving people to fall out with someone. We have slept little, our brain is in a fog, and quite often we feel in limbo. It is not the best conditions for interpreting the actions of others.
I would try not to focus on your friends words so much, as the fact that she is texting you, and try to interpret that as a kind of solidarity with you.
Anger is a much easier emotion to deal with than grief, which is why death causes so many family feuds. Avoid this one if you can. Your friend may just be tactless (and a tiny bit self centred)

Original poster

Kukumbr · 14/06/2019 06:53

What got me is, she didn’t even send words, she just send one photo, waited for a reply. Then the next, waited for a reply. It’s clear she didn’t think one jot about my feelings, she was just thinking about showing off the fact she was away. It’s typical of her personality. I’d be surprised if she’d even remembered I was bereaved at the time and wondered whether it was going to come across thoughtless, because she literally is just that selfish. I’ve known her for over 20 years and she’s always been very selfish. We haven’t spoken since. I’ve nothing to say.

OP posts:

PanteneProV · 14/06/2019 06:58

It sounds like you’ve put up with a lot of selfishness for a long time. You’re obviously a generous and kind person, and sometimes it takes a terrible event like a bereavement to show you what you shouldn’t have to put up with. It’s shocking that she couldn’t even spare a line for you, just a stream of photos of her life.

Hope you’re ok, OP, and that you have decent people who are supporting you the way you deserve to be.

justilou1 · 14/06/2019 07:02

Block her... she’s awful

Pikapikachooo · 14/06/2019 07:08

Use this as the excuse to finally fuck her off
No drama needed . Just don’t reply and give head space

Sorry for your loss . May they rest in peace

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 14/06/2019 07:09

YANBU

My step sister (who I’m very close to) is recently bereaved and she specifically asked me to send her photos and videos of my DC, and any ridiculous memes I come across because her nieces cheer her up and memes make her laugh, and she could do with some lighthearted-ness (probably not a word)

But that’s at her request and obviously I am also checking in on her every day.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/06/2019 07:10

I'd send a one phrase reply.
Glad you're enjoying your holiday. My life is rubbish recently as someone I loved a lot died last week.

I did something similar to a 'friend' after the sudden death of my sibling. Said person was sending detailed pics of her latest bedroom she'd decorated

IdblowJonSnow · 14/06/2019 07:15

She's either massively insensitive in which case ditch her, or she's being mean in which case you should lose her.
Block her please! You don't deserve this.
Very sorry for your loss.

BrylcreamBeret · 14/06/2019 07:18

Oh op, it's so careless and self centered that a friend would do that. I'm so sorry for your loss, and your grief. Life is so full of arseholes it's shocking. My best friend sent me a sad face emoji when I miscarried the day before my dad's funeral, it seemed surreal then and now. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/06/2019 07:26

The Prosecco shot was callous.

Banana
My dad also died when I was a teen. It was during exams so everyone went their separate ways thereafter and I basically had no friends anymore as they all deserted me. That’s excusable albeit very painful because teens oftentimes just don’t know what to say and the easy option is to just run away. Shame on their parents (if they knew) for letting it happen - one set was good friends with my parents so they did. It’s different with adults, especially if they’re mid 20’s plus, when the empathy chip and brain should be fully developed.

BiscuitDrama · 14/06/2019 07:29

If it’d had a caption ‘raising a glass to your relative’ or ‘here’s a lovely sunset to give you a smile on a sad day’ then that would have been fine.
Without, it’s just

redcarbluecar · 14/06/2019 07:34

I think some people find it difficult to address another person’s grief and try to distance themselves, so my first thought here is that you ignore the holiday photos and seek emotional support from other friends. However it sounds as if there are quite a few issues causing you to question the friendship overall, so maybe this is worth thinking about further down the line. At the moment you have yourself and your family to look after. Hope you’re ok and getting support

catsmother · 14/06/2019 07:50

I'm very sorry about your loss - and also for the insensitive way your so-called friend has reacted to that. Death is something which admittedly many people feel very awkward about dealing with and of course there are no 'magic' words which make anyone feel better but personally I don't think it requires too much imagination to simply say something, even if it is just 'I'm sorry and I don't know what to say but you're in my thoughts and I'm happy to talk or help out in any other way you might need'. There, done. A true friend would then follow that up with 'how are you' calls or texts over the next few weeks (or months, as necessary) to show they really were thinking of you.

All but ignoring someone who's been bereaved is lazy and unkind. More so when there's tactlessness involved as well. You know … when I've been bereaved I've been happy enough to still hear about other people's lives, if only as a temporary distraction, but certainly NOT to the exclusion of a bit of compassion and kindness. And I also think there's quite a difference between briefly mentioning a holiday in passing conversation and thrusting it in someone's face via photo messages which is far more intrusive. I would expect anyone who really cared to be compassionate first and foremost, which your friend certainly hasn't been and it does sound as if she has form for selfishness. I wonder if sending those photos and waiting for a reply is effectively her saying 'Me, look at ME, me, me, me'? As in …. you've had this major, shocking event to deal with and she feels you've had 'enough' attention now and is trying to reverse that? Some people can be hateful if they're not the centre of attention, whatever the circumstances.

Either way, I'd concentrate your emotional energy on looking after yourself and in remembering your relative. You may well feel as if a weight's been lifted if this is the wake up call to end that particular 'friendship'. It's one more emotional drain you certainly don't need right now - or going forward.

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