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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP?

57 replies

ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 08:01

We are getting married and I have pretty much done all the planning. I have asked him previously for input but he just says it's up to me, he's happy to do what I've suggested etc...

I think I've arranged a really nice day for us. Nothing too fancy, a church ceremony (which he wanted) and later reception in our local town hall. All in all its costing around 5k, which we can afford.

My AIBU is that sometimes when I try to talk to DP about it he gets snappy about it. Doesn't understand why I want flowers or a photographer, why can't we just have the ceremony and get married, we don't need a 'party' afterwards, it's all a waste of money, we don't need friends there etc ...

I appreciate this may be how he actually feels and he isn't interested in a 'wedding day' which is fine, I know not everyone is, but when I first started arranging this he was more than happy for me to book all these things which are now paid for.

I can't explain it properly but it's as though he feels disappointed in me that I don't just want to go to a registry office in a jeans and t shirt and then back home and it makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable, selfish (and a bridezilla) to know I'd be disappointed at the thought of doing this?

Part of me feels really angry though. He's recently started doing his dream 'thing' and I've supported him so much, done lots of paperwork and admin so he doesn't have to when he's got a lot on, not complained when he's worked all hours and I've been at home alone etc...

I am on anti depressants (because of pregnancy loss I really struggled with) and I'll admit, part of me is just looking forward to one day where I can feel nice about myself. Arranging this is the only thing I've really enjoyed recently and been distracted by.

I feel like I'm asking for some 50k white wedding in a castle when in reality I'm not.

Whenever this happens, he apologies, says he was just in a bit of a mood and it's fine but it just leaves a stain on the day each time.

Everything is booked now Sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/06/2019 08:24

He hasn't made any effort to organise it so he's out of line to be complaining about anything. Is he paying for it or are you?

Original poster
ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 08:43

I've paid so far but he is supposed to be contributing when the final payments need to be made.

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 12/06/2019 08:49

Has he got firm for being a bit tight with money? My DH doesn't understand wanting things to be special (and paying for them), he'd have been fine with a quick service and a pub afterwards to keep the costs down.

But I made the point that unless he really cocks up, we'd only get one wedding day so we were going to make it count! 20 years on, he's still got miser tendencies but they balance out my spending impulses.

If your DH is acting out at the thought of spending just 5k on your wedding then I'd be making the point VERY clearly that since the average U.K. wedding costs £30k he's getting a bargain (with a hard and pointed stare).

QuizzlyBear · 12/06/2019 08:50

*form not firm!

averythinline · 12/06/2019 08:54

he sounds horrible - does he always piss on your chips like this...?
do you do everything around the house/life etc if its too much for busy lord n master to do.....
People generally show who they are by what they do .... and don't do..
so you've organised all the wedding stuff...and all his hobby stuff - what does he do for you? I dont mean say or exist (eg hes around for a chat -) what does he actaully do for you?

Original poster
ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 08:54

He is if it's something he doesn't see as necessary.

He doesn't get why I want flowers or photographs etc... He sees it as spending 5k on a party whereas I see it as something we'll hopefully only get to do once and I want it to be memorable.

OP posts:
averythinline · 12/06/2019 09:04

Why does he get to decide what is necessary?
My DH has these tendancies - is v minimalist about stuff and eco minded with reuse/replace /functional spending etc etc but it equally applies to himself ....

However - if i said cos I want it/do it/like it he would be supportive not miserable... and is a generous soul as in would lend a hand to anyone/ enjoys spending money on 'experience type stuff eg theatre/travel/music'

If your DP though is tight in the soul or thinks he should be the only one to decide what is necesary etc does not enjoy you enjoying ..

when we got married DH would have done teh jeans n tshirt thing - I wanted a bit more but didnt want huge either - so yes I organised most things - he sorted his suit/friends and the music -
but We chose teh venue/food etc as it was our wedding- not mine or his -ours... even though organising stuff like this is DH idea of hell

Veterinari · 12/06/2019 09:06

So he’s made no physical or financial effort to contribute to your wedding and has belittled your own efforts whilst expecting you to support him?

Nope. I’d not be marrying that.

aprilanne · 12/06/2019 09:06

Tell the miser that's it's once in a lifetime and if you getting it in for 5000 it's a bloody bargain my son's is costing 15000 and to be honest thats nothing flash .The only thing I think is a bit pricey is 500 to hire a chauffer driven mustang to the wedding for him.dil is staying in cottage near barn the night before .his barn Is 2500 his photographer 1400 so enjoy yourself and good luck bet when he see you looking all beautiful he will be glad you made the effort to make it a special day xx

Original poster
ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 09:19

He keeps saying how the reception is just a party. I'm trying to explain that it's a chance to thank people for coming and giving our families chance to mingle etc...

I know it's not his sort of thing, but I really really don't want to sacrifice it.

OP posts:
Geminijes · 12/06/2019 09:21

Are you living with him? If you are, then maybe he thinks that you're like a married couple now so why the need to have a white wedding and a reception etc. Maybe he thinks a smaller wedding would be more appropriate.

Have you asked him why he is saying flowers, photos etc doesn't matter, why he doesn't see them as important?

Think you need to communicate more with him. Find out his reasons behind it all and then decide if you want a future with him

ShartGoblin · 12/06/2019 09:23

I do understand his logic, I'm also organising a wedding and my priority is the marriage and I'm not that fussed on how the day takes place but you have accepted his stance and made compromises already. His attitude is awful and he shouldn't say it's ok for you to organise what you want and then get snappy about the cost when you have paid for everything. Not on! How has he compromised exactly? By letting you pay for what you want? That's not a compromise, he's being a dick.

I have to say that while I agree that a single day shouldn't cost the earth and is less important than the marriage (in my opinion, everyone is different and that's ok), I do rank photography as really high on my list of priorities. The fact is the wedding is 1 day, the photographs last a lifetime so actually have much more value for money. I want to show my future children the pictures and I want to look back at them when I'm old with fondness. Maybe that argument will help?

Do you think he's getting snappy because he's actually a bit deluded about the costs of weddings? Your budget is really low compared to the average costs so it's clear you have compromised and taken his thoughts into account. You deserve to have him do the same for you. He needs a kick up the arse and to be more involved I think. Me and my DP are both getting quotes from various suppliers so he's quite realistic about the cost of things and we save where we can. He can generally be quite tight so I think if he was less involved we would be having the same arguments as you.

As others have said though, you need to think about whether this is unusual for him or if he's generally this arsey. If he's not normally like this then I think with better communication and more involvement this can get better but if this is a reflection on his general personality - I would be considering whether or not I wanted to marry him

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 12/06/2019 09:25

Is he actually asking you to sacrifice anything? Because it reads like he's happy for you to go ahead and book whatever you want and he'll pay half. He just doesn't want to get involved with planning and discussions about it. Which isn't totally unreasonable given that he doesn't like weddings.

Babdoc · 12/06/2019 09:27

I wonder if he didn’t want to get married in the first place, and is getting cold feet, and being more unpleasant the closer it gets to the date.
Or he’s mean with money.
Or doesn’t care about making you happy.
Whichever, I’d be having a serious think about whether you still want to marry him.

Original poster
ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 09:36

Is he actually asking you to sacrifice anything? Because it reads like he's happy for you to go ahead and book whatever you want and he'll pay half. He just doesn't want to get involved with planning and discussions about it. Which isn't totally unreasonable given that he doesn't like weddings

Not directly asking no but definitely making it clear he doesn't want/understand X y or z and saying things like 'I guess the marriage is just the most important thing to me' making out it must not be to me because I want a wedding reception.

I could try and ask him to get more involved but this is what happens when I do.

This isn't his personality generally, it's why it's so confusing.

The biggest thing is that he let me book and pay for things and then told me afterwards. I get it's not important to him which is fine but I've discussed it with him before booking everything. It's not like he's been in the dark about what I'm spending and where.

It's also the way it makes me feel like I'm really odd for wanting what I see as fairly normal wedding things. It makes me embarrassed to talk to him about it like he's 'tuting' at me for being a silly girl wanting flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 09:44

Maybe I am being selfish knowing that he'd rather not.

I just can't picture having a wedding ceremony and then going home. I want to celebrate with our guests afterwards.

OP posts:
ShartGoblin · 12/06/2019 09:48

You are NOT being selfish. Relationships are about compromise, you have already compromised, expecting to be treated with the same respect is not selfish.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/06/2019 09:50

He sounds unpleasant. Why are you marrying him?

Floralhousecoat · 12/06/2019 10:00

Look him in the eyes and ask him 'what's wrong with a party to celebrate our MARRIAGE?'

His attitude would really put a dampener on my enjoyment of the day. I am a minimalistic person, however a wedding is the one time you should definitely push the boat out within your means. If you can't throw a party to celebrate with your loved ones on your wedding day, well honestly, when can you? How joyless would life be?

I really would rethink getting married to him. At least tell him he's spoiling it all for you.

FriarTuck · 12/06/2019 10:08

But at the end of the day it's £5k that you could be spending on something real and solid. He's right, it's £5k for a party. The marriage is the important bit. I'd guess that he expected it to cost less and he's now wondering why you're having to fork out for a glorified piss up. He doesn't sound unpleasant, he sounds like his priority is the actual marriage (which is a good thing!) and that he doesn't believe in squandering money (also a good thing).

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 12/06/2019 10:18

Are you sure he wants to get married. Perhaps he’s happy with the status quo.

Original poster
ThanksForThatt · 12/06/2019 10:21

I am sure he wants to get married. He'd go to the registry office tomorrow. He asked me, I wasn't overly fussed before this. He really wanted it.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 12/06/2019 10:21

Does he definitely want to get married? Seems like either he doesn't really want to or he's just a total kill joy who would rather suck the fun out of everything you do rather than enjoy it with you.

CheeseIsEverything · 12/06/2019 10:25

FriarTuck that's all fine but you make it clear that's how you feel before letting your fiance plan, pay for and get excited about things!

Ninkaninus · 12/06/2019 10:30

He doesn’t have to want to do it or see the value in it, but you do. You shouldn’t feel any guilt about that.

And we actually are doing the registry wedding with no frills, so it’s not that I don’t understand his position. But that doesn’t mean I can’t also understand why you want to celebrate it properly in a way that feels meaningful to you!