AIBU or is DP?

[ThanksForThatt]

We are getting married and I have pretty much done all the planning. I have asked him previously for input but he just says it's up to me, he's happy to do what I've suggested etc...

I think I've arranged a really nice day for us. Nothing too fancy, a church ceremony (which he wanted) and later reception in our local town hall. All in all its costing around 5k, which we can afford.

My AIBU is that sometimes when I try to talk to DP about it he gets snappy about it. Doesn't understand why I want flowers or a photographer, why can't we just have the ceremony and get married, we don't need a 'party' afterwards, it's all a waste of money, we don't need friends there etc ...

I appreciate this may be how he actually feels and he isn't interested in a 'wedding day' which is fine, I know not everyone is, but when I first started arranging this he was more than happy for me to book all these things which are now paid for.

I can't explain it properly but it's as though he feels disappointed in me that I don't just want to go to a registry office in a jeans and t shirt and then back home and it makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable, selfish (and a bridezilla) to know I'd be disappointed at the thought of doing this?

Part of me feels really angry though. He's recently started doing his dream 'thing' and I've supported him so much, done lots of paperwork and admin so he doesn't have to when he's got a lot on, not complained when he's worked all hours and I've been at home alone etc...

I am on anti depressants (because of pregnancy loss I really struggled with) and I'll admit, part of me is just looking forward to one day where I can feel nice about myself. Arranging this is the only thing I've really enjoyed recently and been distracted by.

I feel like I'm asking for some 50k white wedding in a castle when in reality I'm not.

Whenever this happens, he apologies, says he was just in a bit of a mood and it's fine but it just leaves a stain on the day each time.

Everything is booked now

He's being unreasonable, sounds like he's just taking his moods out on you and maybe if it wasn't the wedding it would be something else? You need to address that before you marry him imo. Don't be someones emotional punch bag

FriarTuck that's all fine but you make it clear that's how you feel before letting your fiance plan, pay for and get excited about things!
But you're assuming that OP told him at the start that she wanted the works and that it would cost £000s rather than £00s. Maybe it's poor communication on both sides and he thought they'd be having something nice but really simple (and cheaper) and not wasteful.

I would sit him down and say I don’t know what you expected life together would be, but I thought we supported each other’s dreams. You can run your own business from now on, I shall continue dreaming of having a lovely wedding and let’s talk next week if you still want that wedding to be with me. If you do, you’ll stop having a go at me for the things i care about for our wedding. The average wedding cost £30k so I’m hardly exceptional in wanting a nice ceremony and celebration with friends but luckily for you I am exceptional in only planning to spend a fraction of that. Shall we talk on Sunday? And please don’t try and tell me the marriage is the only thing that matters to you as you seem to think saying that means you can be a shit to me while I run around supporting your business, which isn’t how I think of marriage. What matters the most is our life together and it’s not going that well at the moment.

It may be he just needs to realise this. It may be he is essentially selfish and thinks you are less important than him. I’d do my best to find out as soon as possible, as I wouldn’t marry option b.

when I first started arranging this he was more than happy for me to book all these things which are now paid for

I get it's not important to him which is fine but I've discussed it with him before booking everything. It's not like he's been in the dark about what I'm spending and where

From the OP^

My DH and I had different ideas on how much a wedding should cost too. We have been married nearly five years and he still thinks that we spent a fortune on the wedding (£4.5k). As long as you agree on what you want from the marriage then differences of opinion about the wedding day matter less i think. It is only one day, and it sounds like he is more excited about the marriage than the wedding. On the day itself my DH absolutely loved everything we had, and still gets teary eyed over the wedding photos (photographer was one of the bigger expenses).

I can see it both ways - the reception is a party, it's a celebration of your wedding but he's right, it's not the wedding, that's in the church. In fact a church wedding is running currently at £600 ish, everything else is extra, and it's personal preference what is essential eg I didn't have flowers except a bouquet I got from the local florist, I used a friend's son for photography who was at college. Rather than being angry or confused by his attitude, find out what elements he would like - a specific beer, music etc

On the day itself my DH absolutely loved everything we had, and still gets teary eyed over the wedding photos (photographer was one of the bigger expenses)

He's apologised now and said he'll probably love it when he's there too.

It just puts a damper on it though. I don't want to talk to him about it anymore.

Stuck, I have tried to ask him if there's anything he wants. Maybe he could choose the food, the music, the type/flavour of cake etc ... But he just doesn't see the point in any of it.

He wants to go to the church and that's it. I think is feel really strange doing that. You're not actually able to speak to/enjoy the company of your guests at the ceremony.

He feels differently to you about it, and that’s okay too.

I think you’ll need to accept that the wedding day ‘trimmings’ don’t matter to him in the way they do to you. You will likely have to plan it yourself and accept that he’s not going to be excited by it or invested in it to the same extent.

I don't know why people are thinking this is a about money. Yes he did mention it, but he was also happy for OP to spend money and for himself to contribute. The issue isn't money, it's being dragged into conversation about an event that is, at best, a pointless waste of time and money, to him.

I say at best, because for me a wedding, a big social occaision where I'm the centre of attention, is something to dread, and while I'd sign up to it to please someone else, being constantly reminded of the impending day of doom by being dragged into conversation about it would probably make me quite irritable.

I would reconsider the marriage. My husband does this every now and then (wife go spend this money so that I can then start complaining about having spent money). He also does the whole taking out his bad mood on other people thing. It’s a pain to deal with (regularly having to make snap judgements between indulging him, ignoring him or giving him a talking to-not only this issue but in general). In the end I have put so much effort into managing my husband so that our marriage is successful that I am quite bored of it.

I think your earlier point about how you support him doing his dream thing days a lot.

Marriage is about supporting each other not always in everything that we want but want out partner wants. There are lots of things that are important to me that my husband supports me to do.

He feels differently to you about it, and that’s okay too

Yes that's true. I will try harder to accept that it's just not his 'thing'.

I just hate the guilt, like I'm doing something wrong or the implication that he cares more about the actual marriage than I do because of it.

Does he like attending weddings? Does he like parties? Is he embarrassed his family? My DH is introverted and insecure about his friendships and embarrassed by his family. Classic sort of person who will never throw a party because of the fear no one would turn up. We had a smallish wedding that he really enjoyed in the end, but I think he had all these anxieties on the way through.

I would really reconsider if this is how you want your marriage to be ?

Imagine your spouse has a hobby they love, maybe bungee jumping, they have persuaded you to participate once despite you feeling fear and loathing at the prospect, then they get angry with you because you're not anticipating the event with the joy they feel...

It's almost as if they can't take on board that other people don't have the same feelings about things.

Summer, no he doesn't like parties or social events really. He isn't an awkward person, he always ends up having good conversation and often tells me he actually enjoyed something he was dreading but they just aren't his scene.

I have done things to try and minimise his 'nerves' in this way. He didn't want a first dance so I said no problem even though I would like to do one ideally. I've never pushed it because I know he would hate it. I've cut the guest list because he didn't want loads of people there etc...

But what else do I do? Do I just sacrifice what I would enjoy because he wouldn't? We never go to events together, I go on my own because it isn't his thing and I never complain but I really don't want to give in on this occasion.

then they get angry with you because you're not anticipating the event with the joy they feel...

I'm not angry because he isn't filled with joy at the idea of a wedding. I'm angry because he makes me feel guilty or like I'm wrong for wanting one, like I mustn't care about marriage as much as him because I want a nice dress.

I'm angry because I support him in what he loves even when it has a negative effect on myself because I know it's something he wants to do. I might not be filled with joy when he does it but I'd never make him feel guilty for wanting it.

I think he's being quite unfair here. Weddings come in all shapes and sizes and it's completely fine for him to want a no frills quickie at the reg office (we did this and it was perfect for us), but if he felt that strongly about it then he should have told you and discussed what he wanted properly. Instead, he's done the lazy cop out thing of saying "I don't mind, we'll do whatever you want darling" because he can't be arsed planning things or discussing it with you. And now the arrangements are all coming together and things have to be paid for and he's feeling like it's a lot of hassle and money and is resentful of that. Queue him pointing the finger at you, because you wanted all of this, and he would have been happy with a quickie at the reg office. So it's all your fault and he is blameless.

Sorry for being so negative about your DH, I'm sure he's wonderful in many other ways, but I've seen lots of men over the years pull this routine on their partners when planning a wedding. It's a classic. My DH tried to do this at the very start of all the planning and I very firmly told him that I knew "I don't mind" meant "I can't be arsed" and that I was having none of it. I made us have a proper sit down discussion with a pen and paper to plan something that we both wanted.

Is it too late to get him involved in any planning? It helped my situation a lot to get DH properly involved.

I just hate the guilt, like I'm doing something wrong or the implication that he cares more about the actual marriage than I do because of it.

Yes but is he actually saying that, or is he simply stating his feelings on wedding stuff? He’s entitled to not be interested in the trimmings, and it’s not really his fault if you’re inferring something more into that than he actually means by it.

I’d try to make your peace with what you want instead, and cut the guilt as it’s not necessary. If you’ve nothing to feel guilty for then don’t give guilt any room.

Yes but is he actually saying that, or is he simply stating his feelings on wedding stuff?

Just to give an example into the conversations..

Last night he said 'so what's going on with the wedding stuff'

I replied saying the photographer came back and confirmed they have our date so that's most things sorted now.

That's when he flies off saying 'I don't know why you need photographers and flowers or a cake etc...', marriage is the most important thing to me, why does the world need to know about it, why do you care about putting on a day for everyone else.

It isn't said with just a 'its not really my thing' type of vibe. Its said in an argumentative, accusatory tone.

And no, you don’t need to sacrifice what you would love. Just ask him straight out, every time, ‘are you saying that actually you don’t want me to have a beautiful dress/lovely shoes/a veil/gorgeous decorations that make my heart sing/the people I love around me on a day that means so much/etc etc, even though we have the money for it? Because if that’s what you’re saying then let’s talk about X, X and X that you have wanted and I have supported you in. Why do you think this imbalance is okay? How come I’m supposed to sacrifice things I want when you don’t have to?’

Or something to that effect.

Can you afford it? I mean easily where it’s not a huge hardship? Do you both contribute to the household finances? Do his things that he wants and that you have supported cost money to a comparable degree?

If he’s mean and stingy and doesn’t approve of you having lovely things and paying for lovely experiences when you can afford to do so then I think you have bigger problems than a disagreement on the particulars of a wedding day! Especially if this doesn’t work both ways and if it’s always you who has to compromise.

Think very carefully to yourself about the fact that marriage will not change him, he will always be exactly the man he is now, and in fact he’s likely to get worse as he gets older.

Yes we can afford it, my father is also giving us some money towards it so we aren't even paying the full 5k (not because we asked, he insisted as he had put some money away for a wedding already).

The thing I supported him in has cost a lot, in both finances and time. We both contribute to the household. I contribute more timewise to the house because he isn't there as much due to it. I also do all the administration and paperwork for it.