AIBU or is DP?

[ThanksForThatt]

We are getting married and I have pretty much done all the planning. I have asked him previously for input but he just says it's up to me, he's happy to do what I've suggested etc...

I think I've arranged a really nice day for us. Nothing too fancy, a church ceremony (which he wanted) and later reception in our local town hall. All in all its costing around 5k, which we can afford.

My AIBU is that sometimes when I try to talk to DP about it he gets snappy about it. Doesn't understand why I want flowers or a photographer, why can't we just have the ceremony and get married, we don't need a 'party' afterwards, it's all a waste of money, we don't need friends there etc ...

I appreciate this may be how he actually feels and he isn't interested in a 'wedding day' which is fine, I know not everyone is, but when I first started arranging this he was more than happy for me to book all these things which are now paid for.

I can't explain it properly but it's as though he feels disappointed in me that I don't just want to go to a registry office in a jeans and t shirt and then back home and it makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable, selfish (and a bridezilla) to know I'd be disappointed at the thought of doing this?

Part of me feels really angry though. He's recently started doing his dream 'thing' and I've supported him so much, done lots of paperwork and admin so he doesn't have to when he's got a lot on, not complained when he's worked all hours and I've been at home alone etc...

I am on anti depressants (because of pregnancy loss I really struggled with) and I'll admit, part of me is just looking forward to one day where I can feel nice about myself. Arranging this is the only thing I've really enjoyed recently and been distracted by.

I feel like I'm asking for some 50k white wedding in a castle when in reality I'm not.

Whenever this happens, he apologies, says he was just in a bit of a mood and it's fine but it just leaves a stain on the day each time.

Everything is booked now

IMO next time he complains about something, I'd simply reply with, 'I've previously asked you about XYZ, and you said you were happy to go with what I wanted, you've not helped, or given any opinions on the wedding, with the exception of the church, which you've got. So I suggest you stop moaning' smile and move on

That's when he flies off saying 'I don't know why you need photographers and flowers or a cake etc...', marriage is the most important thing to me, why does the world need to know about it, why do you care about putting on a day for everyone else

I'd reply with; That's your opinion darling, but opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one'

Then you need to start challenging him on it every time. Who does he think he is?! He’s not your boss, he’s not superior to you, and he’s not to continually talk crap at you about things that matter to you. Tell him that you will not be entertaining his judgy, hypocritical comments any longer, and stop talking to him about the wedding when he asks about it.

Also think carefully about what I said. Do you truly want to marry him? Stingy as a husband often means stingy as a father, too.

(That’s assuming you will be looking to have children with him in the future; obviously if you don’t want children that’s not relevant.)

Just chiming back in with pp who said he will get worse as he gets older. Men do that. You expect them to mature but the vast majority seem to crystallise their personalities at the point of marriage and only sink deeper into bad habits. Reforming them take a lot of patience and effort. If you do go through with the wedding I strongly reccomend that you do some reading, evening maybe consider courses, on people management because he clearly isn’t managing himself. How to win friends and influence people is an excellent starting point. Most importantly though please don’t take his words personally. You have no reason to feel guilty. If you are up to it try to explain to him in a non-confrontational way how he makes you feel. If you don’t feel you can manage his behaviours then you need to mitigate by managing your own responses, it’s not a nice way to live being made to feel guilty each time someone else looses their temper.

see, in the past, it wouldn't have been to do with the man. you would have sorted this with your mum/sister and your dad would have paid for most of it, probably without suffering the cost in silence.

it's different when you do it yourself. Just pick what you want, and I am sure he will be happy with whatever you want.

You should really rethink marriage to this man op, or at least postpone the wedding for now. He isn't supportive of your dreams and dismisses your wishes. Like pp have said, men like this only get worse. He thinks he is superior to you, and his opinions are more important than yours.

Your wedding sounds positively frugal and he's still not happy. Can you imagine what divorcing a man like this would be?

I suspect you will marry him though. Good luck with whatever you decide.