AIBU to ask my husband not to tell his mum about my ovarian cyst/lost ovary

[AIBUregardingmyovaries]

Hi,

I've had a shocking 2 weeks so will bullet point to remain concise!

• Rushed into A+E after 111 referral. Turns out long standing ovarian cyst that was massive + had damaged my left ovary.
• Rushed into surgery, wherein as part of a huge procedure lost my left ovary.
• Surgery very invasive due to nature of the cyst (not keyhole as per norm) which has left me with a large incision/scar which is c-section level, I'm on bed rest for 3 weeks minimum.
• Husband's sister has caused huge issues in the past, all oriented around a 'joint investment property' wherein he paid for everything but her name was on everything. He was happy to go without a fuss but she kept asking for more money after he agreed for his mum to 'take over' his 'investment' (which basically meant funnelling money into the sister's BTL aspirations) until she asked for more 3 months into our new property and I said no. Que massive wrath and abusive messges, I felt his mum didn't do anything to defend/help me so have shyed away from his family since. I used to be super active and regularly visiting his mum's house but feel a bit once bitten now. I explicitly asked husband not to tell his mum as I didn't want it getting back to the sister and being used to hurt me going forward (the messages were truly that vile and spiteful that I could expect such a thing). Never said don't* tell your mum or do not call etc, just not about my OVARIES.
• He agrees - lovely - and I check in when he mentions his mum that he didn't tell her it was my ovaries. He says no, of course not.
• I checked his messages and he had.

AIBU to have not wanted this to happen? I'm really struggling with the idea that I'm potentially goign to find it really hard to conceive and I hate that my autonomy has been taken away from me and I feel like...gossip fodder? I'm crying as I type this so sorry if it's an incoherent mess.

Oh wow. I don't blame you for being upset. What a massive betrayal of trust! Has he said why he did it yet? Does he know you know?

Try to focus on recovery though for now. Hopefully with one fully functioning ovary then conceiving will be ok.

He says that I'm unreasonable - and in our last argument - abusive for asking him not to tell his mum. He says he has the right to tell her for support, and I 100% agree everyone needs their parent's support but I don't believe it was at his discretion to say I've lost an ovary. They're also not a particularly tight knit family, like no weekly phone calls/calling your mum at the first point of crisis/etc like I am with my mum, who I wouldn't have told if husband had a comparable issue (I don't know what - a testicle thing) so I'm finding it hard to empathise.

I go to therapy weekly but I am super housebound now (got home from hospital yesterday) so am waiting until the 19th to go see her because I feel really hurt/betrayed by this. Thank you for your speedy reply just speaking to someone that gets it helps as I'm feeling so low right now.

I would be livid. And also never tell him any medical info again!

@Banhaha I know - I didn't really have the choice because of the way it unfolded, funnily (or not) they first thought I had severe impacted poo when I went into hospital so I had an enema... it sort of exploded all in one day where I had a CT scan, ultrasound & MRI where it came out. I did ask immediately as I am really funny about his mum/sister knowing anything as she was so spiteful to me (it was the final push I needed to get off Facebook where the messages occurred!) but now knowing that at some point in my future I'm going to have someone message me about my shit fertility situation next time they're annoyed at me is just crushing really.

You're not unreasonable to not want your husband to tell his mum about your op. It's up to you who knows, a private matter.

You can and probably will conceive with one ovary. I've know women who have, two or three times, so don't be pessimistic.

All the best .

thank you so much @bluerussian this means a lot as at the moment I'm seeing myself as akin to a no chancer who is bound to a fate of infertility. I can't even talk about the (missing) left ovary without crying.

He's said that our fertility is our business, so he's okay to tell people about it. I just feel like this is painful enough and my heart hurts so much that it's bad enough just living through it myself, without being gossip fodder for his mum and sister (+ the other sister, who is actually thankfully nice) or his mum and extended family. We've just bought a 3 bedroom house in an area for schools etc and now that feels pointless, so any time anyone visits us they get to think about the fact I have only one ovary too

You have a right to medical privacy.

He can tell her you've been poorly and in hospital but you'd prefer to keep the details private. He would still get support from her.

If your other ovary is unaffected, there's not necessarily any dramatic effect on fertility. But you can have tests to see whether you're ovulating regularly once you've recovered from the surgery if that'll help reduce your anxiety.

You'd get nasty messages from the SIL whatever version she heard. By the sounds of it, if you'd had your appendix out, she'd be abusive and if she'd been lied to and told it was your appendix, she'd be abusive. As it is, with that sort of incision wound, it's fairly obvious it's a gynae surgery, as you move completely differently compared to an appendectomy/gall bladder/etc operation. It would be hard to claim that it's anything else if you're actually seen post operatively, even without actually seeing the scar itself.

It was still a shit thing for him to do. It's none of their business - technically, you don't even have to tell your DH anything about it, never mind have him tell anybody else. Perhaps you should start telling people about him possibly needing a circumcision because his foreskin's too tight and keeps getting infected? Or erectile dysfunction?

I'd be furious and feel totally betrayed and peed off that he lied to me. I don't accept being lied to by anyone and if I found out my DH had lied to me I'd kick him out.

Is it really likely he would need support over this - it's you who lost the blooming ovary?

This is exactly how I saw it - the messages she was sending him were probing more into 'do they know exactly what it is' etc? He also knows medical records are private because whilst waiting for a hospital porter he opened my file to read what they had written and he got told off that he can't do that... He was taken aback and I was like well just GDPR alone would suggest you can't do that, let alone other safeguarding things...??? Like I think there's a fundamental lack of understanding as to just how private these things are. Imagine if he had half a dick after a medical issue I wouldn't go around telling everyone?!

I mean this nicely as I realise it's a massive deal for you but I really don't think people will be thinking of you only having one ovary when visiting. But I understand why you'd feel this way.

The lying would bother me more. You asked him so many times.

Your body your medical records not his!

How would he like it if you went and told your mum he had a testie removed?

Nah just because it might affect babies doesn’t give him the right unless it’s his body.

Your personal fertility is your personal business. If he wants to discuss any problems he has that's up to him. I had a similar issue with my OH but I managed to stop him before he told his mum. He argued that it was just like a broken leg and so I had to explain it was more like a swollen testicle and then he got it.

I really hope his sister isn't so disgusting as to use this in spite. If she does that is vile behaviour and I hope your OH stands up for you. I'm sorry you are having a tough time

But it's not "our" fertility. It's your fertility, single your, not plural. (Though hopefully not yours either as you have your other ovary)

Your body, it's you who is affected. And even if he felt he wanted to tell her he should have discussed it with you. Not done it behind your back after disregarding your wishes and then lie about it.

If I was in such a situation even if I disagreed with my partner I would respect their wishes.

@MitziK thank you for your very comforting message. I know I'm being OTT at the moment but we had been trying for a few months beforehand and nothing had been working, I had started doing ovulation tests for the last month but due to holidays etc missed my windows so I think that fear is confounding what's gone on this past week. I have a checkup in 3 weeks and going forward I'll always have more than your average degrees of medical support to help with pregnancy because of this, which is also comforting. Also I think it's so fucking rude for people to ask WHAT the surgery is for? Some of my oldest friends haven't asked WHAT it is for and have been checking in on me daily etc...!

@Idontwanttotalk - precisely. He was great and was in hospital all hours of all days throughout visiting hours, but ultimately I'm the one covered in bruises from my (at least once) daily blood tests, invasive tests, the horrific MRI machine, etc etc, then the fear of going under general, the huge incision, the week long healing, etc etc. Like I understand he's been an amazing support system and made my time in hospital infinitely better but I don't understand what additional support he managed to get off his mum by telling her it was my ovaries vs. "XX is in hospital and they're investigating what it is". Maybe that's the key piece of information I'm missing to unlock my empathy.

Just to say that I had exactly the same happen to me with regard to being rushed into a&e and having my right ovary removed due to a huge cyst about to explode. I was told your ovaries don’t function like a game of tennis but rather, like kidneys and lungs, can function as a standalone organ when necessary without much, if any, reduction in effectiveness. I have two children - first conceived after ONE unprotected sex incident and the second who came promptly after two months of not using contraception! I hope that reassures you re. fertility.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible and scary thing to go through and he’s handled your perfectly reasonable request awfully. It’s your body, your operation, your right to privacy about something very personal and he had no right to betray you like that and then lie to you. The fact that he’s not sorry and making excuses is piling insult onto injury. I’d be raging.

@PotatoesDieInHotCars precisely, that's exactly how I felt. Like even the fact i looked through his phone makes me total trash and i acknowledge that but there's been a few little odd lies recently that i just had a niggling feeling that turned out to be right. the seamlessness of the lies bothered me, too.

@TheCatDidSay + @AnthonyCrowley + @Banhaha he is sweet and has said how it's "our" fertility because he wouldn't want to go off and have a kid with someone else. which i get on some level but also, it's my body? my body is going to be made to be the object of gossip fodder and/or shame from evil sister so it's me that not only has to recover, live with the feeling of immense inadequacy, etc but also gets to be sitting on a knife's edge around his family and inevitably hit around the face with it by his sis.

It's utterly shit that he's told her your personal medical information after explicitly telling him not to.

On the fertility front, I lost an ovary at age 19 (twisted cyst that was about to burst) and I have a similar scar as it was emergency surgery so not keyhole. I always had in the back of my mind that it could cause potential fertility issues even though someone reassured me it wouldn't.

When I finally decided to start TTC it was in the back of my mind but we managed to conceive on the second month of trying at aged 38.

I thought it might help to know that it didn't seem to affect me despite worrying about it all those years.

@LadyFuschia thank you, this is so comforting to hear. out of interest were you trying to conceive beforehand? I do wonder if the cysts / damaged ovary was what was preventing us, like my best case optimism makes me think now it'll all be really easy / a total walk in the park. Then I get dark thoughts like my life is ruined and i've bought a pointless 3 bed house.

thank you @SacharissaCrisplock that's ridiculously comforting to hear x

Sorry to hear that OP you specifically asked him not to tell her and he agreed so he shouldn't have done this. Don't let him turn it round on you, he shouldn't have agreed if he had a problem then you could have worked out a compromise. I can see its a bit difficult if she already knows you had an op and asks him what it was, but if he had said that you could have told him what you would prefer to say to her. Instead he went behind your back and lied to you.

Of course YANBU. If he thinks it's perfectly okay to tell his mum, why did he agree not to when you asked? Why didn't he say "I don't understand why I can't - I feel I need her support" and then you could have had a proper conversation about it.

Oh love, I'm sorry you've had such a hard time recently.
YANBU at all, and the lies and deceit would be a real kick in the teeth to me. You mentioned other lies? Are there other issues too?
I've known friends conceive with only one ovary, with no difficulties, so I hope the same is true for you. I'd sort out the issues first though, before attempting to have children.
I hope you heal well, and with no complications. Take good care of yourself. Can you block the sister so she can't get at you while you're healing/ever?