AIBU to ask my husband not to tell his mum about my ovarian cyst/lost ovary

[AIBUregardingmyovaries]

Hi,

I've had a shocking 2 weeks so will bullet point to remain concise!

• Rushed into A+E after 111 referral. Turns out long standing ovarian cyst that was massive + had damaged my left ovary.
• Rushed into surgery, wherein as part of a huge procedure lost my left ovary.
• Surgery very invasive due to nature of the cyst (not keyhole as per norm) which has left me with a large incision/scar which is c-section level, I'm on bed rest for 3 weeks minimum.
• Husband's sister has caused huge issues in the past, all oriented around a 'joint investment property' wherein he paid for everything but her name was on everything. He was happy to go without a fuss but she kept asking for more money after he agreed for his mum to 'take over' his 'investment' (which basically meant funnelling money into the sister's BTL aspirations) until she asked for more 3 months into our new property and I said no. Que massive wrath and abusive messges, I felt his mum didn't do anything to defend/help me so have shyed away from his family since. I used to be super active and regularly visiting his mum's house but feel a bit once bitten now. I explicitly asked husband not to tell his mum as I didn't want it getting back to the sister and being used to hurt me going forward (the messages were truly that vile and spiteful that I could expect such a thing). Never said don't* tell your mum or do not call etc, just not about my OVARIES.
• He agrees - lovely - and I check in when he mentions his mum that he didn't tell her it was my ovaries. He says no, of course not.
• I checked his messages and he had.

AIBU to have not wanted this to happen? I'm really struggling with the idea that I'm potentially goign to find it really hard to conceive and I hate that my autonomy has been taken away from me and I feel like...gossip fodder? I'm crying as I type this so sorry if it's an incoherent mess.

It's the lying. If he had a problem he should have SAID, not gone behind your back. And he's trying to make out its your fault and you're abusive?!? Probably acting out because you've called him out. Hopefully you won't get nasty messages about it but if you do he should have the good grace to be bloody ashamed at what he's caused.

A friend of mine also conceived with one ovary after surgery for an ectopic, so there is hope

Sorry OP but do you really want a baby with this lying twat, him off to tell mummy your business when you told him not to. What part of no did he not understand.

He's a liar, I couldn't live with that. No loyalty. Will your therapist speak on phone or email given circumstances?

I'm sorry op. I'd really struggle to forgive this, how can you trust him ever again? He should be your cheerleader and first line of defence. Bastard.

Speedy recovery. I wouldn't let him come to any more medical appointments with you in the future though.

@AIBUregardingmyovaries I had an 18lb ovarian cyst and one ovary removed when I was 18. Yes, I've needed ICSI due to a combination of factors, including issues on DH's side but I now have a 2 year old DS.

YANBU re what he told his mum under the circumstances

YANBU As it isn't for him to tell his mother. It is for him to say you are not well and that's it. He should leave it up to you to tell her if you want to.

Are you sure you can cope with his lying and your lack of trust in this relationship? Think about that before you have children with him.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through OP. I must admit, for me this would be a deal breaker. Not only did he do exactly what you asked him not to, he then lied about it. And he still doesn’t understand why you wanted to keep this quiet, so when situations like this come up again you will still not be on the same page. I wouldn’t want to tie myself to someone who cares about my feelings so little. No chance.

I agree with a lot of the posters in her, it’s your body and your fertility and he did go against your instructions. All I can think is that he was so worried about you, he just needed someone he could talk to. I know in our household, similar things have happened and my partner has only told his mother when it has been extremely serious, as I can’t stand my MIL and she’s a spiteful cow anyway, so I get why you are pissed off but just maybe he felt the need to speak to someone due to worry. Men are strange creatures especially when a crisis looms!

Oh dear! Not good... I would be very upset by this especially as its an email so didn't slip out under 'interogation'. He should have kept quiet and respected you. Would he like you to tell your mother if he had a testicle removed?
Hopefully his mother can be more respectful and keep quiet.
I understand why you feel annoyed and let down. Big hug to you... Speedy recovery

Yes I would be furious with him, he had no right to do that, and to lie about it afterwards was really bad. You absolutely are not unreasonable. Use the testicle example to try and get him to understand?

Is his relationship with his mum a more general issue between you? His reaction - He says that I'm unreasonable - and in our last argument - abusive for asking him not to tell his mum. suggests that this may be part of a wider pattern. To call you abusive is way OTT, whether he was scared by your illness or not.

It was utterly wrong of your DH to betray your trust after you had explicitly asked him not to, I do hope you and he can move past it though, but he needs to think and do some serious grovelling and understand why he has wronged you.

As for your fears over conceiving with only one ovary, I had my right one removed after my endometriosis had advanced to a point of completely blocking the right Fallopian tube. After removal and given the other damage caused by the endometriosis I was told there was little possibility of me conceiving without medical assistance and even then my chances were slim. I was devastated... my uterus however seemed to take the challenge personally and decided I’d get pregnant three months after the removal (very risky) - not only that, I was pregnant with TWINS! They were born premature due to my uterus being damaged but are now 19mo and going strong :) so I hope this brings you some peace as it can be done OP

He's said that our fertility is our business, so he's okay to tell people about it.

Ummm no. Marriages don’t work like that. You’re supposed to be a partnership where you take the other persons feelings into account before you act. And even worse, this is absolutely completely up to you because it’s your confidential medical information!!! I would be beyond livid and his reaction (calling you abusive ?!) would make me seriously question having a baby with him.

He lies easily? You don’t trust him.

You need couples therapy to unpick all this before you continue ttc

Oh and nightmare in laws don’t get easier when children come along - I speak from experience

I’d have lost my shit. Our fertility is his business to share?! When you do get pregnant, tell him that if there’s a whiff of a lie in the next 9 months he’s not going to be there while you’re in labour because YOU are having a baby. It might be your joint baby but it’s YOUR, Singular, body, and you don’t want his mum to have details of how dilated you are, how torn you are if you had a tear, how you pooped, whether gas and air was amazing or made you throw up (or maybe that’s just me), there are all YOUR medical details and if he can’t respect that he can come and visit his baby after you’ve had some cuddle time and wiped and dressed baby. And every medical person in the hospital will support this plan because he’s the only idiot in town who doesn’t realise it’s your body.

YANBU at all, that was a massive betrayal on the part of your husband, compounded by his lying. I hope you manage to work through it, but he has to realise that his loyalties lie with you. It’s your body, you decide who knows about it.

But please try not to worry too much about losing your ovary. The other one will take over and it will release an egg each month, provided it’s working properly, which it would be a good idea to get checked.

I lost an ovary, to an ectopic pregnancy rather than a cyst, and had small cysts removed from my other ovary, and subsequently have had DS and DD. I had the same operation as you and was left with a CS type scar. Went on to have perfectly fine pregnancies and births. The operation is a pig to get over though, make sure you look after yourself and don’t overdo things.

If he had a legitimate reason to tell his mum any details, he could have talked to you about it and there could have been a reasonable discussion. By lying and saying he wouldn't tell and then lying again to say he hadn't, he has completely undermined the normal, adult process of reaching joint decisions.

I can completely understand why that would be so upsetting for you and I definitely think that he'd have to do a lot to regain your trust, but do you think he actually would? It sounds like he's not only convinced he's right, but also believes that gives him the right to take unilateral decisions about your life and that you are wrong to complain about that. It's a worrying mindset and I don't know if I could put up with that.

So sorry you've been through all this OP, it's an incredibly painful experience. I had a 10lb cyst removed, along with my right ovary, under emergency open surgery, so I know what you're going through.
Like other pp, I just want to reassure you that it may very well have little impact on your fertility. I have 3 DC, all conceived very easily.

This is really important information.
He is this disrespectful now, how bad will he be when you're pregnant really stuck?

Awful inlaws get worse with children in the mix.

Have children with SOMEONE ELSE.

Hi OP

I'm sorry, I don't have anything helpful to say about your OH, I don't agree he should have told his mum the specifics if you expressly told him you didn't want him to so that was out of order on his part.

I just wanted to come on and tell you that I had a similar issue with an ovarian torsion a couple of years ago. The doctor said he might have to remove the ovary to which I cried and said we were trying to conceive and would that ruin the chances. He told me that your fertility only goes down by 5% as the other ovary will just take over the job so please don't worry too much about that aspect of the situation. Abdominal surgery is so painful and uncomfortable so you need to concentrate on resting 💕

@Ginger1982
I had an 18lb ovarian cyst and one ovary removed when I was 18.

18lbs?! As in twice the size of a large baby? Bloody hell!

I am pretty shocked that any man would describe his wife, recovering from traumatic emergency abdominal surgery, as “abusive”.

And he was a pathetic child to nod and agree with you and then go ahead and do it and lie about it. That rings huge alarm bells. How can you trust him, and does he even respect you, never mind love you?

My heart goes out to you. I just want to say something about the loss of the ovary:

I remember someone who had donated a kidney to a family member describing to me the feeling of loss after the operation (which she had gone into willingly), saying the process was somewhat like mourning, she fell into a depression, and that she had been completely unprepared for it and the surgeons of course had no advice for her. I don't think it's an underestimation to describe what you have gone through as potentially a kind of traumatic loss. What others have said above, is really helpful in the sense that functionally your fertility should hopefully not be affected. But you have still been through an awful lot physically and psychologically, so please don't underestimate this. Give yourself time and kindness.

As for your husband's actions - he clearly hasn't gathered quite how huge and shocking this is for you. I am not sure how you can get this through to him. I imagine if he had lost a testicle unexpectedly, for example, he would be in a complete whirlwind of physical and psychological shock. I think this is comparable to what you are dealing with so perhaps a comparison like that may make him understand.

Why are you checking his messages OP? Surely he has a right to privacy as well?

i hope he realises that "our" fertility goes both ways... maybe his mum needs to know how his std tests went or how he might be shooting blanks or how his penis has a odd bend to it and that might effect "our" fertility
also i hope he realises that he wont be going into any doctors visits with you any more as he cant be trusted to keep his mouth shut or not to look into private medical files, and that you have the right to say wait out there dear

I've got no advice on the fertility side I'm afraid but I am very sympathetic about the breach of privacy. It isn't something to be discussed generally even if you hadn't specifically asked him not to. When you are feeling a bit stronger I think that you do need to talk together about boundaries. You might ask him how he would feel if he'd had an op to remove one of his balls and that now all your family was talking about it? I imagine he would find that very embarrassing and might then realise how he has breached your privacy.