Is it me?

[magnatis]

I don't know if it's me or everyone else. I'm a stay at home mum to twins. We are very lucky as the in laws take them one day a week.

It's hard work looking after 2 x 17 month olds. They are our first babies too, so everything is new.

My mum works full time so she doesn't have a lot if time to help. I can't but feel gutted by this. I know it's her choice and I understand my parents want things in life but I can't imagine not being there for my kids. I see so many grandparents in mother and toddler groups - they all love being grandparents. My mum likes being a grandparent too I think. She never makes the effort to do things , as in she'll never ask if I want to go to a cafe/for a walk/soft play etc. I know it was my choice to have kids but I'm just disappointed and things are different with 2 kids. My life has changed , I have had to give up work because childcare is expensive etc. Because I'm disappointed I don't feel like making an effort as often if that makes sense. I've pulled back.

I also feel like this with my husband - I feel like the one putting a lot of effort into our relationship/doing things around the house etc. He never suggests we do anything on the weekends. If it was up to him we'd just sit in the house all weekend. Things need doing outside and I'm always asking him to do it. We had a major argument yesterday because I felt exhausted and burnt out. I felt like I wanted to run away. I just went to our bedroom last night. I've just had enough of asking and making the effort.

Is it me? Should I stop trying and relax? I'm like stuck between angry and sad. thanks

You are being unreasonable about your Mum. How old is she? Does she still have a mortgage? Maybe she prefers working to looking after 2 toddlers.

I think it’s normal on maternity leave/SAHM to notice more things to change in the house because you are there a lot compared your partner who is out of the house more often. Plus you have a full day to yourself to catch up with the house/chill to notice and think about these things. While you probably are out and about your norm is being at home with the kids but this is different for your DH so he is probably happy to just sit and chill with the kids at the weekend.

It sounds like you are not happy with your life and perhaps you are looking to other to blame.

I think YABU about your Mum, she is there for you. She isn't there for your childcare though and nor should she be as a regular arrangement.

YANBU about DH though, he needs to make more effort and that's probably where most of these feelings are coming from. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean everything is your job. It's still a team effort. Have a talk to him and make some firm plans rather than waiting until Saturday morning and going through the "what shall we do today?" routine.

You say you had to give up your job? What was it? There must be a compromise here if it wasn't what you wanted.

Can DH compress his hours and have one day at home a week, ILs one day a week and childcare another? You could work part time then. In fact if your job includes weekend work you could even work full time.
As things stand I think I'd be looking at going back to work.

I think you're right guys. I do feel like I'm not happy because I want more for myself and the kids. I'd love to stay at home and have all these things but financially I don't think it's possible. I think I should start looking for a job and I think you're right. Just because I'm here all day doesn't mean I have to do it all. I have been doing this and it's just not on. My husband says he's helping by doing the dishes etc. But he lives here too. It's just too much for me - I always say thanks for doing this thanks for doing that - but where's my thanks or appreciation?

For mother's day all I got was a bad attitude because it was his birthday too. It's fathers day on sunday and I've booked a restaurant. I just can't be bothered if I'm honest.

I think, with the greatest of respect it is you really.

Being a grandparent must be amazing but is in no way important enough to arrange your job/ career plans around

Having 17MO twins is really really hard- for both of you. Could it not just be that your DH is too exhausted to arrange nice weekends for you all? I work full time
With one, and it’s so tiring that by the weekend I’m ready to drop. We do do things at the weekend but the temptation to spend it in bed is overwhelming.

You sound really miserable though

(Sorry miserable as in sad, no whingy or whiney)

Make the effort for Father's Day. Show him exactly how you want to be treated. You need to get out of this rut and work at creating a happier family life all round.

Have a look and apply for some jobs. You have 3 days a week currently where you can work. Or possibly some evenings?

You'll meet people, bring in some money and get a break from the monotony of being at home everyday. And when the kids go to nursery and school you can increase your hours.

Maybe write down how you are feeling for your DH if every time you bring it up leads to a row.

Once you get a job a housework rota can come into play. Currently you have a day at home without the kids so honestly I do think you should be doing the bulk of it

Sounds like DH isn’t pulling his weight. That needs to change.

Does DH have anytime when he just has the kids? It might be time to start Daddy time when he takes them somewhere for a couple of hours a week. It will be good for their relationship but he will also get an idea about what your life is like.

Your mum owes you nothing. She does not ever have to help with your childcare arrangements if she doesn't want to. She has done her bit and is entitled to live her own life and spend her time exactly as she wishes. You sound unhappy and need to own it and work out what you need to change in order to feel more at peace.

I know she doesnt owe me anything. I just feel disappointed with my mum. I see other mothers hands on with their grandkids - makes me think there's something wrong with my arrangements. A lady asked me in mother and toddler today if my mother was helpful with me. I had to say no. She said her mum with helpful with her.

My mum also works full time. She has to, to pay the bills. That doesn’t stop me from considering her a wonderful, hands on grandparent however. I would never expect a grandparent to change their working arrangements for children I chose to have.
On the other hand, I empathise as being a SAHM can be an isolating experience. I’m a SAHM to 3 DC (5, 3 and 5 months) and it’s tough, and often lonely. I am looking to get back to work next year to get some of my identity back.

If you were one of my kids, I'd be saying, 'are you looking up as well as down?'

Yes, you're seeing a lot of grandparents who are more hands on with their grandchildren. You're obviously fairly keyed into that.

However, perhaps what you're not noticing as much is how many people do not have involved grandparents - not a one. You have the in-laws who very kindly take your children one day a week. It possibly doesn't occur to your Mum to suggest that she and you go to soft play or something, perhaps you need to pull back from pulling back, and be a bit proactive about arranging things you can all do together - while remembering she's working, getting older, and doesn't herself have the energy she once was - while running her household.

Some people have absolutely NO grandparental involvement. Whether because their parents are dead, they're toxic, seriously can't be arsed, or because of location.

My mum is a fantastic hands on grandma, she's great.

She works full time in a different town to me. But she dotes on my kids, will have them overnight here and there if I need her to, showers them with love and plays with them when she can get here to see them. She asks about them and loves getting pictures of them.

She's never taken them to baby group. So what? YABU on that part.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take some ownership.

So you think your mum should give up her job to look after your kids?

It will get better as the children get older and you get more free time. It’s interesting what you said about mother’s day and your DH’s birthday, you were both disappointed because you had expectations that weren’t met. It’s really miserable when you’re feeling resentful, but it’s up to you both to work out what’s going to work for you both.
I had twins, it’s really hard at times and I felt really resentful quite often. Could you say to your mum you’d like to have an afternoon out with her and the children, doing something really nice?

All i see is grandparents helping and my in laws being so kind. I am really appreciative , and I realise we are very lucky for this. My mum in comparison seems uninvolved. I dont know whats normal. I dont see those without uninvolved grandparents.

If your mum called more often or popped in more would it feel better? I just think it sounds as though you would like to feel emotional support and it feels harder when you see other GPS taking active roles. If it helps, my mum actively helps me but emotionally has been unsupportive (making me more insecure).

Stop thanking your DH for doing jobs that one of you has to do. Instead say we have X and Y to sort tonight, do you have a preference or I'll start X?

Everyone is being mean. Youre not unreasonable to want to go to the cafe or to soft play with your mum. Why do people think parenting stops when youre kids are grown? You obviously need your mum while youre finding your feet as a new one. With twins.

And dint get me started on dh and lack of housework. Or time out as a family.

I think you need to break down everything youre feeling to him quickly though because another couple of years will go by quick and you will end up resenting him. Be clear. And sort it out in your own head first

Yeah its just the lack of general interest. Id update her on things and id get a thumbs up. Its like a long text message with "k" as a reply.

I'm not trying to be mean, and no, parenting doesn't stop when your kids are grown. But if you still need your Mum when you become a Mum, then that could be a bit of a problem if your Mum isn't willing or able to give you the level of support you want or feel entitled to.

And if you're not seeing people with no uninvolved grandparents, you're not looking very hard - because there's plenty! But maybe they're just copping on and getting on with it.

My Mum is an abusive grandma. I don't know why I thought she'd be nice when she is an abusive mother. My dcs don't have a relationship with her anymore , or my dad as he's worse. I imagined when I had dcs, it would fix my parents and we'd have wonderful times together with extended family. My abusive parents got to keep the extended family when I went no contact, even though my relatives know what my mum is like.🤷🏻‍♀️
All I'm saying is it sometimes isn't what you hoped it would be. You can't change how it is, you have to learn to accept your mother for who she is. You will find that the time you have is better than now.

I see these posts all the time "grandparents don't have to provide childcare" and "their part is done". Fair enough. My GPs used to have me over for the 6 weeks summer holls every year (they lived abroad). They and I cherished that time and we were so close. Compare that to my own mother who has spent probably a total of 2 weeks with my kids in 30 years (an afternoon here and there and never alone) and my kids have no relationship with her at all. They have quite honestly said that when she dies they won't be particularly upset and why would they be? She's a distant relative.

So yes, grandparents don't "have" to do anything. But if they want a loving relationship with their grandchildren then yes that takes effort.

I can understand where you're coming from. My DM is the same - she works part time and I'd love her to ring and ask to spend the day together when she's off, but she doesn't. However, if I ring her and ask she'll always make the time (on her days off) Would your mum do that? I think grandparents are now automatically seen as free childcare. If they want to, great. If they don't, fair play. None of our DC grandparents have ever offered childcare, except the odd day out. They didn't want to provide weekly care and that's fair enough. But we still see them all lots and they all have a great relationship with the DC regardless.

Absolutely Asta19, the relationship they have with their grandchildren (and their children) for that matter, is the one they earn by virtue of how much effort they put into the relationship.

And yes, it really hurts when they're disinterested, and not particularly involved, particularly if you could really do with a caring listening ear, or a helping hand!

Exactly that. I'm not asking her to be here for them and I don't expect her to be. I just said I was disappointed and I cant carry on with the same level of communication and effort on my part because I dont feel the relationship is equal. I dont feel she wants to know or is particularly interested so whats the point messaging.