Is it me?

[magnatis]

I don't know if it's me or everyone else. I'm a stay at home mum to twins. We are very lucky as the in laws take them one day a week.

It's hard work looking after 2 x 17 month olds. They are our first babies too, so everything is new.

My mum works full time so she doesn't have a lot if time to help. I can't but feel gutted by this. I know it's her choice and I understand my parents want things in life but I can't imagine not being there for my kids. I see so many grandparents in mother and toddler groups - they all love being grandparents. My mum likes being a grandparent too I think. She never makes the effort to do things , as in she'll never ask if I want to go to a cafe/for a walk/soft play etc. I know it was my choice to have kids but I'm just disappointed and things are different with 2 kids. My life has changed , I have had to give up work because childcare is expensive etc. Because I'm disappointed I don't feel like making an effort as often if that makes sense. I've pulled back.

I also feel like this with my husband - I feel like the one putting a lot of effort into our relationship/doing things around the house etc. He never suggests we do anything on the weekends. If it was up to him we'd just sit in the house all weekend. Things need doing outside and I'm always asking him to do it. We had a major argument yesterday because I felt exhausted and burnt out. I felt like I wanted to run away. I just went to our bedroom last night. I've just had enough of asking and making the effort.

Is it me? Should I stop trying and relax? I'm like stuck between angry and sad. thanks

Maybe go back to work ? I worked even though it was almost not worth it financially but by god was it worth it mentally, I’m happier being around people and working makes me a better mum, if you can earn money you can pay someone to do the jobs as your oh sounds knackered and worn out too. It’s normal to be snippy and knackered at this stage but it does not last and they will be able to sit and be calm and old enough to take you eyes off them very soon

I think YABVU. You chose to have children and are now complaining because your DM won't give up her job to do your and your DH's job, ie raise them. What is she supposed to live on? Fresh air? Your sense of entitlement is shocking. What you should be doing is ensuring your DH is doing his share.

Yay calm ! 🙈 thank u all for your responses.

3/4 of my children’s grandparents are dead and the remaining one is awesome but lives abroad, we see each other 3x a year she gives us 3 nights a year to go in a date night and we are grateful for that if you met me at a toddler group I would not talk about my situation as it’s painful and sad I would tell you my mil is awesome and does lots for us and it’s true,but doesn’t give full picture. I am also very jealous of friends who have living parents and free childcare as it’s so fucking expensive. Be wary of toddler group conversations and looking at things through shit smeared glasses

YABU about your mum, but it sounds like you know that. If she works, she might be tired a lot and just not have the energy often to spend helping with two toddlers. Or, having raised you, she now enjoy a big of peace in her free time. That's okay. She might get more involved with the kids are older and less tiring to be around. Or she might continue to prefer her own space. I know it's sad for you but I always feel like when people are geandparent age they start to deserve a bit of a rest and to spend their time how they want. I feel like you expect a lot from her and want her to be closely involved as you're stressed and your husband isn't doing a good job. He's the problem here, not her. You and your husband made he decision to have children, you and your husband have an obligation to look after those children. Your mum didn't have a say and doesn't have the obligation. If your husband pulled his weight you'd probably feel supported and not like you needed your mum to step in. I agree that you sound really miserable and feel for you. I think you have some things to sort out with your husband.

I get where you're coming from regarding your mum not wanting to do stuff with you and the kids, mine is the same. It does hurt sometimes when you want them to want to do stuff with you and not just be doing it because you asked.

Her needing to work full time though is a separate issue and nothing that you can do anything about. It doesn't mean that she's not there for you though. You sound really fed up with everything. Do you have friends with young children that you could meet up with?

You need to tell your dh how you're feeling.

A grandmother to 8 here , I work full time ( run a business ) and I do like spending time with my children and grandchildren , Some of my friends have dropped days from work to do childcare , sod that for a lark

Could you have post natal depression?

You're being very unreasonable about your mother. You're not a child you're an adult woman. Your mother works full time and has a life of her own. Expecting her to come to toddler groups and take time off is really unreasonable.

But it sounds like you need support. You're struggling and that's understandable with twins. But as said there may be more going on.

However I couldn't do it, be a stay at home mum, and many couldn't. It sounds like you might be like this, the sheer monotony of it might not be for you and getting backto work might be the answer.

My DM works full time in high position which takes her out of the country often.

I am laughing at the thought of her sitting at soft play or baby group.

However, both my in-laws are retired and love spending time with 2 year old DS (including soft play) and helping out where they can with DD nine weeks.

All my children's GP's love them to pieces and vice versa, whether they are on hand or not. We don't see DM often, but regardless of that, the children dote on her and I also keep them involved in her life when she can't - I show them pictures she sends when working abroad and talk about her often. Her not being around often is not a sign of her disinterest in her GC.

Twin toddlers must be absolutely knackering.

But....

Your Dm does not have to help at all, that is up to her.

You get a day off in the week (if I've read correctly) to have down time. Your dh should get equal amount of time off at a weekend.

You say your in-laws are helpful so build on that and try to accept that at this point your mum isn’t the grandmother your hoped for. She may show much more interest when they are older.

I have only sons and if/ when they have children I’m deeply aware that I will always be No2 Granny as far as their partners are concerned but IF they were to reach out and ask me for more participation, send me texts and generally involve me I’d be beyond thrilled. Obviously I’d be there anyway and offering help but as you say, it’s not always what’s wanted.

So try to look on this from a different angle and utilise the support you have. And as for DP you have to keep chipping away, it’s hard. As often as possible leave the DT with him and take some time out.

I hate to suggest the MN Cure All, the spa day but an afternoon at the shops or cinema with friends might be a tonic.

And 17months is a bloody awful and exhausting age IMO. It will improve.

I felt a bit like you OP, different circumstances but feeling depressed and just like I was only a mum never anything else?

I also have twins, my parents live too far to help and in laws work full time. It got to the point where I just couldn’t be bothered, with anything. I went back to work. It wasn’t easy - we barely broke even - but it was worth it to have some of my sense of self back. I would seriously explore going back to work. It is so worth it.

PS now my mum is retired and my boys are much older, she takes them on holiday! It’s amazing!

I forgot you get a day off when your parents in law babysit - that is amazing!

Nah its not a day off i work for my husband.

It is most definitely you. Wrt your mum, give your head a wobble. She works full time, her life doesnt stop just because you had children. How entitled are you to think she actually owes you her time!
Wrt your husband if he is working full time then weekends are his downtime. I'm also a sahm and I completely understand when my dh just wants to be home over the weekend. Not all the time but sometimes.

OP you have had some harsh posts here. It's ok to feel dissapoinment that your mum replies to long texts with thumbs up and doesn't want a closer relationship, ok to want your DH to pull his weight. MN is a place where people can say negative things and be very judgmental just because they can.

OP we have grandparents on both sides, who love our DCs dearly but both sets are utterly useless and wouldn't look after them for an hour let alone on any sort of regular basis. They have never even babysat.

I do understand your disappointment, it is hard with no help. I work 4 days/ week, and DH full-time. Both DC are preschool age with a small gap. It is tough and such a juggle. Luckily we have a good nursery, but no help when we are not at work, so never get a "break" or time together.

But some grandparents just are not prepared, willing or capable of providing childcare. In my case, I predicted this, so I have never assumed they would help, and therefore I have never been disappointed by them. But it is sad and I think children thrive when they have established and close relationships with other family members, particularly grandparents.

And it is not you. I think some people are being quite judgemental and unnecessarily harsh and one-sided on this thread. I expect some of them are grandparents themselves.

You are being a bit unreasonable OP. You’re a stay at home mum, so you’re not having to juggle child care and work and still trying to do all the mum stuff. Your in laws have your twins a day a week, so you get a whole day to yourself to recharge and do what you like.

Your mum works full time, which is completely her choice. I’m sure she loves your twins, but maybe she doesn’t want to spend her spare time running around after them.

My mum doesn’t work, hasn’t for years and she does nothing for me. I’ve always had to work and juggle and she has never offered any help, despite being home all day every day. My in laws are much older and both still worked until recently and have always helped out. People are different. In fact, I do way more for my mum than she’s ever done for me.

You and DH have been through two massive transitions , from non-parents to parents and from a two income family to a single income one. You are transitioning from having a career to being a SAHM. Your husband has suddenly become financially responsible for 4 human beings which is also a big change.

On the whole life and marriages run along quite nicely until something changes. Then all a sudden people have to adjust and these adjustments can be very difficult. It’s why so many marriages run into difficulties at these times. I would strongly urge you to attend some couples counselling to help you talk about this and negotiate your new roles and responsibilities. I used to work for a great charity called Marriagecare which offers affordable counselling - get in touch with them or Relate.

As for your mum, there’s not a lot you can do about her. If she’s working full time it’s understandable she's not around. Maybe ask her round once in a while. The more her and your DC see if one another the better. Even a quick cup of coffee on her way home from work is better than nothing.

Good luck,