Is it me?

[magnatis]

I don't know if it's me or everyone else. I'm a stay at home mum to twins. We are very lucky as the in laws take them one day a week.

It's hard work looking after 2 x 17 month olds. They are our first babies too, so everything is new.

My mum works full time so she doesn't have a lot if time to help. I can't but feel gutted by this. I know it's her choice and I understand my parents want things in life but I can't imagine not being there for my kids. I see so many grandparents in mother and toddler groups - they all love being grandparents. My mum likes being a grandparent too I think. She never makes the effort to do things , as in she'll never ask if I want to go to a cafe/for a walk/soft play etc. I know it was my choice to have kids but I'm just disappointed and things are different with 2 kids. My life has changed , I have had to give up work because childcare is expensive etc. Because I'm disappointed I don't feel like making an effort as often if that makes sense. I've pulled back.

I also feel like this with my husband - I feel like the one putting a lot of effort into our relationship/doing things around the house etc. He never suggests we do anything on the weekends. If it was up to him we'd just sit in the house all weekend. Things need doing outside and I'm always asking him to do it. We had a major argument yesterday because I felt exhausted and burnt out. I felt like I wanted to run away. I just went to our bedroom last night. I've just had enough of asking and making the effort.

Is it me? Should I stop trying and relax? I'm like stuck between angry and sad. thanks

My mum is helpful, involved & a really own grandparent. She does not provide any routine/regular childcare, this is not what it means to be a grandparent in my eyes? My child is mine to raise & provide for.

I love that when she visits it's a lovely treat for my son, she brings books and clothes she has knitted, spoils him with home made cake just like her mum did for me. Plus she gave me lots of support with bf, came to look after me for a couple of days when we returned from hospital etc. I never expected childcare and do not classify grandparents who don't provide it as "uninvolved".

Have you told her you feel like that magnatis?

Yes she came
Over when I told her. I just want to cry when I see her I'm so upset and she is the same. I dont know whats wrong. But then i need support again or advice and she's not there for me again. I need my mum but feel like shes not there.

You can't change her, but you can change you.

Accept facts, stop hoping she'll feel differently and fill your time with other people. Other family and friends that want to be with you and DCs.

I don't and do have a dad at the same time. He exists, we swap a few texts a year, he couldn't care less about me and DC. I often forget he exists and when others mention Grandads it means nothing to me. I don't overthink it as I focus on the deeper relationships I already have.

What about your dad?

He loves the kids , they both do. Its just i feel like im making all the effort. I dont know what it is.

It can be hard for us to see our Mums as people outside of being our Mums, with their own trials and tribulations, which may limit just how much they are able to meet our wants and expectations including emotionally.

I don't know how old your Mum is, but it is possible that she is struggling physically or emotionally herself, or has things going on in her life, that mean she is less able to perform the role you want in yours?

It sounds like she did feel bad when you told her.

I do sympathise - it's hard when you need your Mum and she's not there - for whatever reason. It sounds like you do have support from the in-laws, are you able to lean on your Mum in law a bit more for support and advice? Or is there an aunty you're close to, or an older friend? Even someone at a playgroup or nursery you attend?

At the moment I have a niece who I'm jokingly calling my third daughter - because I'm her go-to for help, support and advice, even long distance.

I think your issue is mostly with your own life and with your DH rather than Mum. Your DH is also the DC’s parent so should be pulling his weight both with them and around the house, you should not be doing everything. He needs to help and maybe you could consider a PT job so you have something for yourself too? Being a SAHM works for many women but some women just can’t do it, I know I can’t. I need more stimulation, maybe you’re the same.

Your Mum isn’t unreasonable to work FT still, my Mum does too as does MIL. It’s more common now since people are retiring much later.

as is so often the case, what you have is a DH problem. I would be very tempted to arrange to see your mum by yourself at the weekend and just hand the DC over to him and tell him you'll be back later.

YAB a bit U about your mum. She's done her child rearing, maybe her idea of being a grandma is vastly different to yours. Did you ask her while you were pregnant?
(i've fought long and hard for my career and am now at the place where i feel i should be - were i to become a Grandma there's no way I'd give it up)

With your DH it's a bit different. What do you talk about when he gets home? his day, your day, your children? or do you go straight into what you want him to do?

i absolutely hated being home with small children, so i feel your pain. I hope it gets better for you soon

We talk about his day. I just want to watch telly to be honest. In peace.

Mbosz thanks this is exactly the case.

OP I understand where you're coming from with you mum. My FIL is the same, absolutely no interest beyond a card at xmas/birthdays. You're not asking for childcare, nor as you asking her to rearrange her life. But it wouldn't kill them to occasionally invite you out with the twins for tea/coffee or just come over sit and chat for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Otherwise it just comes across as disinterested. Then you think why wouldn't she want to do that with you. It hurts.

I think you need to sort out what you want from your mum, as some of the things you are getting upset are not possible. She can't take your twins to baby groups if she's working full time and, as others have said, you can't expect her to give up work. The feeling like she's not interested is a different matter, but you say yourself that she loves them. You talk about texting, but maybe she isn't a big texter? There are people in my family who send very brief texts like you describe, but it doesn't mean they haven't been pleased to receive the message. Could you ask her if you could have a weekly 'date' with her, with or without the kids? If she works full time, she must be busy too and it's easy to let time slide by when you're busy. She might appreciate a regular time-tabled slot in the week to catch up with you just as much as you would.

You're burnt out, unsurprisingly. You don't want to keep making unreciprocated effort with your mum, so reduce how much you send to her or see her and expect nothing then you won't be disappointed. War plan with your dh and point out that just because you have ovaries it doesn't mean your career has to change into a life of service to others, figure out how to get some equality back. Stop doing things you don't have to do right now. Start doing something you enjoy. And tell your helpful in laws how you feel.

Your comment about how you 'just want to watch TV in peace' rather than speak to your dh is telling. You have to remember that you are not the only one who is maybe feeling lonely or tired - you need to show an interest in him as well as him in you. And if your mum is in her 50s and working full time, possibly menopausal, she is probably knackered too. A dmat she just wants to 'watch TV in peace' (exactly like you!) rather than enthusiastically answer detailed texts about nappy changes or whatever.

How old is your Mum?
Is she still with your dad? Do they both work full time?
Are they local?

I think you are expecting a bit much TBH.

Also, with reference to your DH, remember he's feeling tired, like he never gets a break, and a bit all at sea with the whole parenting thing too. I didn't realise just how hard it was on DH.

I think perhaps you two need to have a good talk about BOTH your needs - and your wants. You need to get on the same page with what you feel has to be done around the house, with the children, and who does it. That might involve some compromise and negotiation.

If both of you can get some time that you spend on you, that is fabulous, but it needs to be equitable. It would make you both feel like you weren't drowning in the day to day tedium of domesticity.

You do need to be kind to one another, and not make it into a battle about who has it worst. You're both the parents, you are the Mum and the Dad in your household. If you see something that needs doing, you don't go past it, you do it. And you both need to be doing that.

You sound like you are just feeling really sorry for yourself and not clearly telling either your mum or your DH what you want.

It's understandable, it's a lonely, repetitive business being a sahm.

I honestly think a job would do you wonders. And an honest chat with DH about what you need. Don't let this resentment build.

Take time as a couple. Can you ask your mum to look after the DCs maybe Saturday afternoon so you can spend some time with DH?

You are bring VVU regarding your mum. She has raised her family and now her time is hers again. She has living expenses lime us all. Was her mother involved in raising you?
My mother or mil never looked after my children and I didn't expect them to. Both sets of my gandparents lived in rural areas. We lived in urban areas so distance was a barrier, saw them a couple of times a year but still had love and affection from them.
Helping out with childcare finances etc does not equate to how much your parents love you or not.
You sound very unhappy in your life and unfortunately only you can change it. Be kinder to yourself and don't try to do it all. Your children will only be children for a short while, try and enjoy it with them. You are lucky to get help from oil and you mention mother and toddler group. Some people do it ALL alone.

You sound utterly exhausted and fed up. I think you are being a bit unreasonable about your mum specifically but it seems like the real issue is much bigger than that, it’s that you feel like you’re the only one putting any effort into your day-to-day life and you want someone to take some of the load off you for a bit. To look after you when you’re burned out doing all the looking-after yourself.

What would a better life look like for you right now? If you could put money issues and so on aside, would you be happier at work? What would you rather be doing at the weekends and in the evenings? If you can’t see any way to be happier and everything looks grey and miserable no matter what you do, would you consider talking to your GP about it?

I hear you and I feel you. I wish my mother was interested in my children too, but she's not. It breaks my heart when I see other grandparents helping out, when mine don't interact with mine. My mum has only ever baby sat twice in nine years for 3 hours. The last time (4 years ago) she said she didn't enjoy it as she cried, so she wouldn't be doing it again! I had really bad post natal depression, I told mum and asked her if she could meet me in town to get me out of the house. She said, "no...I'd rather meet my pals". I was devastated and felt broken at the time. Now they are elderly and she is in a wheelchair. I do the basics for them e.g. food shop, booking hospital appointments/travel, but I'II shoot off straight afterwards. I rarely visit them socially. You reap what you sow. I'm definitley going to be more supportive with my grand children.

I'm only 33 and my Mum didn't even know softplays or baby cafes existed until I took her to them. Try inviting her yourself

I think if your dh was doing his bit and not being a twat on Mother's Day (what's that about?) then you wouldn't worry about your Mum so much. At the moment you don't feel supported by the people you're closest to or who you expected to. If your dh stepped it up then the relationship with your mum would seem more enjoyable the times you do see her.

I was very disappointed by my mums lack of support with first dc. Not sure what I expected given her lack of involvement in my own childhood. However now my dh is supportive, and my in-laws are supportive - so it seems less significant.

"We talk about his day. I just want to watch telly to be honest. In peace."

You need to give your head a wobble OP. Get out and get yourself a bit of a baby social life. Imagine if your DH said that in that way, but about you. You and your happiness is not the responsibility of others. It's on you.

When you figure that out, you'll be a lot better off emotionally.