AIBU to ask why you chose to have kids?

[Jade218]

Before I start this thread - I hope noone takes offence to it. It’s not intended to be an offensive question

Whenever someone says they don’t want kids I think it’s odd that people always ask why - as if they are abnormal or something.

So to put a bit of a spin on it I want to ask why people want/chose to have kids?

I only ask because yesterday a thread was started to ask people why they chose not to have kids.

I do want kids so please don’t feel I’m trying to ask this question to be defensive to the thread I’m quoting, genuinely just curious as everyone’s reasons are different and it's interesting to hear the reasons.

People who don’t want kids get asked the question more often that I think is fair, I think only fair to be able to pose the same question to parents (without hopefully causing offence)

@blablaa I imagine OP is worried about causing offence because the other thread she mentioned (‘why didn’t you want kids’) has turned into an absolute shitshow, with mothers turning up and basically explaining to the posters there why all their reasons for not wanting children are wrong and talking about how amazing their lives with children are 😑.

Lots of them seem to be taking massive offence at others making different life choices and seeing the various reasons given as an attack on their lifestyle which they need to defend.

Happens on pretty much any thread about childless/childfree women on here unfortunately.

I always wanted kids. I have two and love them both to bits.

I had a brief look at the other thread - lots of defensiveness on both sides!!

A friend doesn't want children as they'd interfere with her hobby. To me her life sounds very small and boring. But she seems happy.

@hopeishere well that’s fine for you to think that, but I’m assuming you wouldn’t come out and tell her that? Or try and convince her that her reasons for not having children are misguided and wrong? That’s why people are getting defensive on the other thread...

I found that having a child is nothing like what it looks like from the outside

Yes this, absolutely.

I was sleeping too much

I had a naff childhood with an abusive step-father so I guess I wanted to create my own close-knit ‘real’ family. I always dreamed of having my own children and wanted either four or six. I have four and I’m happy with that. It was very much a strong biological urge as well.

We knew we wanted a family, knew we were in a position to raise them and had married so it seemed reasonable to stop using contraceptives and start hoping. We hadn’t expected it to happen quite as quickly as it did.

Some people make a conscious, rational decision to have kids weighing up the pros and cons. For me it was never like that. I was purely a biological instinct, an urge to reproduce. I've felt it for as long as I can remember.

We never wanted to have kids. I was happy with work and a great social life in London.
Then in my early 30’s I was suddenly hit by an urge to have children. Neither of our friends had any kids yet but I really wanted to. After quite a few discussions, we just decided to go for it.
It was probably a biological urge and a bit of a personal philosophical one.

Pure curiosity. It’s one of the very few things you can’t guess at, rehearse or research in order to figure out what it’s like without actually doing it. And as several others have said, actually having a child is very different to what it looks like from the outside.

Having said that, I was 40 when I became curious after not planning to have a child at all — and we only did it once.

What @FaFoutis said.

I wanted to experience everything in life that I could.

No strong biological urge, mostly curiosity. I knew life without kids - so what would it be like to have them? My imagination fell short, I must say!

No @MindatWork I'm not an arse.

It's ok for her to slag off having kids as money draining drudgery but I wouldn't dream of slagging off her choices...

Honestly I had an unplanned pregnancy and I could not face termination. It was hard when she was born, but within a few months I loved being a parent, as did DH (then fairly new DP!) and we were keen to add more, which we did!
I love being a mum. I enjoy watching them change and grow, and I enjoy the feeling of I conditional love. There are hard times of course but I would recommend it!

@hopeishereIm I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.

Does your friend actually say stuff like that to you? If she does then I think it would be reasonable for you to retaliate.

It’s the mothers getting angry and offended about anonymous people on the internet giving reasons why motherhood is not for them (in the context of a thread specifically ASKING why they’ve chosen not to have children) that I don’t understand. And I say that as a mother.

I worked with children, I enjoyed spending time with them, I like my DP quite a lot and thought it would be fun.

It is fun! I have four aged from 13 to 5 months and they are all great. It helps that I don't need much sleep, love being busy and am a massive extrovert. There are totally things that I find hard (lack of time with DP being the main one) but I love having a big family and would totally have more if we magically acquired some more money!

I didn't want a baby so much as a grown-up child, but realised I had to have the baby to get the grown-up. Having listened to my mother go on about what hard work it was having children, and how much she had to give up, I had expected the baby/child years to be pretty awful. In actual fact, they were, and are, fantastic. Can't say as I've loved every minute (not much sleep first few years, no time to myself at all, ever) but the good so far outweighs the bad. Wish I'd started earlier and been able to have more.

MAP failed and couldnt go through with a termination. Et voila, a parent! Had never wanted kids but now cant imagine life without.

Anyway, apologies for derailing your thread op.

I always wanted to be a mum, was always broody even as a teenager. Took 6 years and multiple rounds of ivf for DH and I to finally conceive DD, which was devastating and has massively affected my mental health (the years of trying I mean, not having her!)

When we were in the very worst and darkest times, I really wished we didn’t want children so badly as it was so painful.

Now she’s here I love her more than anything but the early newborn days were extremely hard!

Social norms.

FOMO.

Feeling an urge.

Wanting a family.

It’s not a rational decision. No one would do it if they sat down and made a pros and cons list.

No one would do it if they sat down and made a pros and cons list.

Fact.

Didn't choose, they just showed up

I had never really thought much about it and was very focused on my career until I turned 28. I was married and somewhere around that time I felt like it might be nice to have a baby, but I didn't think about it too seriously. We started trying and I found out I had PCOS which made it more difficult to conceive. That diagnosis seemed to flick a switch and the desire to have a child, coupled with hitting my 30s, was almost desperate - I guess it's one of those situations where you suddenly want something more because there's a chance it might not happen.

With a bit of help we managed to have our DD. I'm still bemused by being a parent. It can be so difficult but she's the light of my life and so very loved. I'd like another, I don't feel 'done' but I do have my moments (remembering the newborn days, the sleepless nights, the guilt and worry over ridiculous things, trying to get it right so she grows up to a nice human) when I think I'd be okay if she was our only child.

I really wanted to, I love kids and love seeing them transform from a baby into an adult. I love taking them on holiday and days out and seeing their little faces light up. I also love their birthdays and I take 1 photo on their birthday and 1 photo of their cake and put into a "birthday" album for them.

No one would do it if they sat down and made a pros and cons list.

Ooh I don't know, I think I would :o Maybe I'm insane.

It was a biological urge I suppose. I just felt broody.

Interestingly the broodiness has been completely absent since having DD. I’ve never felt the slightest urge for another child.