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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DV - seperated...insane to let him back, right?!

66 replies

ConcreteFarmer · 10/06/2019 13:28

Link to previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3363626-Domestic-Violence-did-you-witness-any-towards-your-mother?pg=13&order=

He's asking to come back - but we could live seperately (house has space for us to live in own rooms, not on same floor), no relationship between us. so he can raise the kids. He's no means to parent them otherwise. Currently miles/hours away living on a sofa.
Said he'll change his phone number, stay offline. He was always active with the kids, so would resume school run, clubs, said he'll do extras, like daily reading, more share in household chores/the grunt work.

Not going to lie, help would be useful as one DC is disabled. He sounds like he's learnt his lesson.
But I don't want to relent or go backwards, because of obvious reasons. It'd be insane, right??

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 10/06/2019 14:04

He's no means to parent them otherwise.

Aw...diddums!

Of course you'd be mad to let him back! If he's not together enough to get somewhere to live near his kids, that's NOT your problem.

It's his.

He says he'll do all sorts doesn't he?? Stay offline, read, do school runs....and he will also sneak his way back into his abusive ways.

Of course it would be helpful ON PAPER but in reality it would be awful.
NO. Move on. Tell him to piss off. Chancer.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/06/2019 14:08

No don't do this.

I remember how hard it was getting into a rhythm on my own but you will get there and it's far better than letting him back so he can mess you around.

CatToddlerUprising · 10/06/2019 14:11

He still has a hold on you- making you feel sorry for him instead of what the children have seen. Please don’t take him back or even let him into your home (your children’s safe place).

Hollowvictory · 10/06/2019 14:14

You could lose custody of your children if you did this. It's your job as their parent to protect them from Dv. You need to do that. I can't believe you even remotely think this is appropriate. Your poor kids.

TheChildChomper · 10/06/2019 14:16

He's trying to keep that grip on you. He's telling you what you want to hear, because he'll know it's hard for you being a single parent, it's a way of worming his way back in.

He could sort himself out and get his own place nearer to his kids. He does not need to live with you.

Antigon · 10/06/2019 14:25

Please don't OP. You'll be back at square 1 and you've come so far.

hibbledibble · 10/06/2019 14:25

Don't let him back. I read your previous post.

You need to keep yourself and the kids safe.

Can family help? Can you get paid help? There may be financial help for this if your child is disabled

Nursejackie1 · 10/06/2019 14:36

Absolutely no way. It would unravel everything. Why would you want a person like this raising your kids? It would be a living hell for you and especially the children. Do not let him convince you it’s a good idea. Abusers are very good manipulators. Don’t fall for it.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 10/06/2019 14:52

I tried with an ex. It was a foolish mistake and I've no idea why I thought it could work. He very quickly slipped back into his old ways. I was kidding myself it would be different.

Figgygal · 10/06/2019 14:54

Absolutely not no way Should you do this

What benefits would your kids get from the arrangement that's the only thing I would be asking

1WayOrAnother · 10/06/2019 14:56

Definitely not. For all the reasons other posters have said. It would be a huge backward step, just don't.

Kittykat93 · 10/06/2019 14:59

God can't even believe you have to ask..of course you shouldn't let him back! You've done the hard part...don't undo all of that now

feckinarse · 10/06/2019 15:13

No, never ever ever.

Orangecake123 · 10/06/2019 15:18

OP he's already shown you who he is. Believe him. Don't let him back in.

PicsInRed · 10/06/2019 15:38

If you're married, taking him back could invalidate a future unreasonable behaviour petition.

If you let him back, he'll treat you even worse and you'll have to struggle to get him out again.

How much of his "active" with the kids was you asking him to do stuff, and how much did you later get "punished" for asking?

Don't do it.

Devon1987 · 10/06/2019 15:44

Don't do it. My mum did, my brother came home from playing out to find her pinned up against the wall with my step dad's hands around her throat. He had to threaten to call the police to get him off mum. He was 8.

thethoughtfox · 10/06/2019 17:38

Type out what he did to you. Read it back. You don't need to post it.

Cherrysoup · 10/06/2019 17:40

If he’s living in the same building, he will repeat the behaviour, people don’t change.

TheClitterati · 10/06/2019 17:50

Another one to say no way don't do this.

Also do be careful when you say no to him - my EA/VA ex continued to be very abusive for years after I ended things - despite my very minimal involvement with him. It only really changed once he was established in a new relationship.

Wonkybanana · 10/06/2019 22:53

Don't make your children go through that again.

They'd be so confused, and possibly frightened.

Gilead · 10/06/2019 23:16

I let him back, regretted it within a week. Thank heavens we’ve been apart a couple of years now. It’s been much better without him.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/06/2019 23:29

Don't. Just don't. Your children deserve to feel safe and to trust you. If you do, how can they ever trust you to keep your promise and keep them safe?

Original poster

ConcreteFarmer · 11/06/2019 06:01

@hibbledibble

Don't let him back. I read your previous post.
You need to keep yourself and the kids safe.
Can family help? Can you get paid help? There may be financial help for this if your child is disabled

He gets disability living allowance and the disability premium on child tax credits, etc.
But in reality that doesnt go far, it covers part of the costs of his additional needs.
No family help - they cant really cope with his needs easily.
No respite - the threshold is really high in this area, prob due to budget cuts.
I'm exhausted doing 100% of the parenting. Running on fumes - emotionally, physically, financially, completely drained

OP posts:

Original poster

ConcreteFarmer · 11/06/2019 06:07

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth

I tried with an ex. It was a foolish mistake and I've no idea why I thought it could work. He very quickly slipped back into his old ways. I was kidding myself it would be different.

What was your next steps afterwards??
He's been gone 7 months and nothing here seems to be moving fowards yet.
I've no idea why I think it would work either.
Yet here I am posing the question.
Wisdom from someone who's been in this position would be well recieved, thanks

OP posts:

blushmelikeyou · 11/06/2019 06:08

If you let him back in then I'm sorry but you are stupid and selfish only thinking of yourself and not the children. How do you think single parents cope? You have family around why not ask them for help and not some woman beater!

Sorry if my post is harsh!

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