DV - seperated...insane to let him back, right?!

[ConcreteFarmer]

Link to previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3363626-Domestic-Violence-did-you-witness-any-towards-your-mother?pg=13&order=

He's asking to come back - but we could live seperately (house has space for us to live in own rooms, not on same floor), no relationship between us. so he can raise the kids. He's no means to parent them otherwise. Currently miles/hours away living on a sofa.
Said he'll change his phone number, stay offline. He was always active with the kids, so would resume school run, clubs, said he'll do extras, like daily reading, more share in household chores/the grunt work.

Not going to lie, help would be useful as one DC is disabled. He sounds like he's learnt his lesson.
But I don't want to relent or go backwards, because of obvious reasons. It'd be insane, right??

You really should look into whether you can get more respite care - don't assume that your council's decision is necessarily correct. You should contact solicitors who specialise in social care (e.g. Irwin Mitchell, Leigh Day, Simpson Millar) and you may well get legal aid, either in your own name or you're son's. Also perhaps consider whether residential school might be better?

Please don’t. Please. From the child’s perspective, please don’t.

I was 5 when my parents split for the last time. I’m the youngest, and the only one actually able to cope with relationships, friendships etc. The trauma is still there though, the abuse itself, the police and SS, the secrets and lies. The tension of what the fuck is going to happen next at any one time. That is so so unhealthy for a child, living in tension, let alone actual violence. You need not be a sacrificial lamb, in order to get your kids to school on time. Talk to the school about the difficulties you’re having. Particularly in relation to the fact that you are a lone parent with a disabled child, and are struggling to get them all out on time.

I am the only one of many siblings, (some from dad’s other relationships), that isn’t now in an abusive relationship, and/or still in extensive therapy 30+ years down the line. Even my lovely DB, who is so ill of self-loathing and fear that he could be an abuser like our dad, is being constantly abused by his wife because he has no skills of asserting himself respectfully, or removing himself from shitty situations. My sister is in an abusive relationship, and her eldest child is now in an abusove relationship - which is absolutely devastating and I’ve tried everything to get her out of.

OP you need to address all of this with a therapist. Unpick why your self-esteem is so low that you think being abused is preferable to being late and the house being a tip.

Start a new thread, or put on here, questions about support for your disabled child’s condition. Ideas of how to keep on top of the kids and house as a loan parent on a low budget. Pursue your ex through CMS, find about other forms of financial and practical support.

Take it from me, DV ruins lives. The far-reaching effects of it ripple down through generations. Please don’t give this legacy to your children.

And oh, he’s a terrible father. He’s a disgusting terrible father. I don’t care if he does the school run or makes meals, he abuses you. That makes him the worst father, and a potentially very dangerous influence.

Post a thread asking for quick fresh meal ideas, don’t take him back so he can make dinners but ruin your kids’ futures. And yours.

I think he'll be really helpful for a few months then slowly revert back to his old ways.

If he genuinely wants to be a good father to the children then he needs to get accommodation nearby and help from there. He doesn’t need to live with you to help.

Suggest it to him and see how he reacts. You will soon see where his motives lie.

The question how will the children benefit is a really dangerous question .

Witnessing Dv is damaging to children. And even if he was super dad ( not possible if abusing Mum ) Mum has a right to be safe. Safety is the no. 1 priority.

I would try and step back and see if there are ways you can reduce your workload. Can the children help at all. Should at least be able to tidy up .
Can you batch cook? Can you afford a cleaner?

He is telling you what you want to hear so he gets what he wants — you, back under control

Do not take this man back EVER!!

Things are hard now, but they do have a chance to improve as the kids get older, keep putting the ad for an au pair out there, you never know, it might work at some point - even live out?

This is a long game, this is your life and that of the dc, letting him back puts you all at risk.

Say no, not in a million years will he ever set foot under your roof again and keep it that way.

My ex was out of the picture for 5 years and even when it was absolutely clear he was there to see his dc and nothing more, that still didn’t stop him trying to tell me how to live my life!

They never ever change. You know this.

He isn't the solution to your problems OP. He'll just come back and cause more of them.

Could have wrote this myself op. I am a single mum to 4 (two with sn) I have no family support and quite frankly I am finding it impossible to do it all on my own. Ex (who was also do) has contacted again and I have left him comeback simply because I need the help. Yes people can judged but unless you are in the situation then I think it’s very easy to judge. We are not in a relationship though he is just staying here to help. He also lives 2 hours away and can’t take them to his so very similar to your situation.

And people say it gets easier, I have been alone for 2 years and it has not got easier, it’s got harder if anything.

To answer your question, OP, yes, you would be insane to let him back.

I appreciate that you're stretched to your limit but letting your abusive Ex back into your home is a totally terrible idea. Your poor kids deserve better.

I grew up in a dv household. I think if you take him back it would be fairer to put your kids in care. I longed for someone to take me away from my parents.

I lost my entire childhood and remained under my parents control for many, many years after leaving home. I do not love them, I am particularly looking forward to the day when my Mum is gone forever.

Also, I think there is this idea that as kids grow up they will respect the sacrifice you made for them by staying with an abusive partner and feel forgiving towards you as a victim of dv.

I feel very differently. My Mum allowed me to grow up in a fearful, unpredictable environment. I was anxious and scared. I have spent 100s on therapy to become the happy person I was meant to be.

I do not forget and I do not forgive.

I've not read your previous post but I work in DV, specifically with children who have experienced or witnessed DV.

Please do not let this man back into your home. I know it's hard, trust me I do, but you must protect your children.

Believe me and the other posters who have said you could lose your children if you move him back in. It happens more than you would think.

I don't think people are judging you BigRed. We're afraid for you and your dcs because we understand the risk violent men pose.

I've been on my own since I had a tiny baby, a 4 yr old and an 8 year old. It's been the roughest 5 years of my life. Of course I've had fleeting thoughts of "wouldn't it just be easier" but do you know what? Hundreds of women make that mistake each year and end up dead. It's not their fault, it's the fault of the violent men who murder them. However, I'm going to do everything I can to keep myself and my dcs out of that statistic, even if seems impossible at times to cope alone. The rest is in the lap of the gods.

@ConcreteFarmer
It's pretty shitty isnt it? Being stuck between a rock and a hard place

It’s not a rock and a hard place though

If you go back to him you will be placing yourself and your kids in real risk of physical danger, or worse...

You know he will never change, and your kids rely on you to make their lives as safe as poss.

Yes it’s hard, yes it takes years to be less hard, but it will get easier. The first 5 years of any child is a lot of work.

With him in your life it will only ever get worse.

Then he’ll start on the kids. When they are old enough for an opinion.

Don’t ever give up on standing up for your family, away from him