DV - seperated...insane to let him back, right?!

[ConcreteFarmer]

Link to previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3363626-Domestic-Violence-did-you-witness-any-towards-your-mother?pg=13&order=

He's asking to come back - but we could live seperately (house has space for us to live in own rooms, not on same floor), no relationship between us. so he can raise the kids. He's no means to parent them otherwise. Currently miles/hours away living on a sofa.
Said he'll change his phone number, stay offline. He was always active with the kids, so would resume school run, clubs, said he'll do extras, like daily reading, more share in household chores/the grunt work.

Not going to lie, help would be useful as one DC is disabled. He sounds like he's learnt his lesson.
But I don't want to relent or go backwards, because of obvious reasons. It'd be insane, right??

Yes you would be very unwise to say the least. It may be tough now (and 💐 for coping so well) but it would be nothing compared to what would happen if you added an abusive man to the situation. Don't you consider it a second longer!

In no way should you welcome him back into your life

And no he hasn't learnt his lesson, they never bloody do. If he understood the impact of his actions he would be keeping away as he would know this is best for you all, and not trying to win back your trust after doing such awful things.

Don't take him back. My mum bravely left my dad, then went back after him begging to change. Result: another 16 years of abuse, including emotionally and physically abusing us kids.

You have a spare room; can you get an au pair, or rent a room out so you have a bit of adult company occasionally?

Just on the additional needs front, yes it's exhausting, I know that too from experience but that makes you more vulnerable, and more likely to give in to demands (implicit or subtle) through a degree of desperation. You need to be strong if you'd ever be co-parenting with him and if I'm honest you don't sound it, and I totally get that. Don't take him back in because life is hard, it will be harder with him back again. Don't expect to rely on him. Be in charge of his parenting contributions or of keeping him at arms length (or further). Don't let the exhaustion of caring make you dependant but instead go back and see what your family can help with to ease the pressure. Even if they can't offer respite, can try help with other general stuff? And ask around about the respite, I know it's hard to come by but being single with limited support might make that difference x

@Figgygal
What benefits would your kids get from the arrangement that's the only thing I would be asking

This is a very helpful question - thank you.
Not enough, would be the answer.

I struggle to do it all myself -with 2 parents they'd get

• Cleaner living enviroment
• On time for school
• better nutrition, as he did all the fresh cooking
• more outside activities - DC disability needs means it's not actually always safe or easy to take kids out for leisure activities with 1 adult and 3 kids
• long term, I can get a higher income and more to spend on the kids, if there's another adult home to share the load
• i could help my kids with their homework, reading, tuition, music, sports practice, like i used to do

Reading that back does sound daft.
So it was a good question, thought provoking. Benefits for the kids, not monumental. Thank you.

What benefits would your kids get from him staying gone?

I'll start you off:

A safe home
Children can be at the forefront of all decisions made (not how does this affect him, will this piss him off?
Children learn about relationships from their parents. They learn it's not ok to tolerate bad behaviour.

Do the kids miss him? He needs to sort himself out and get somewhere sorted to see them. That would be my first priority if I was the parent who had left.

@blushmelikeyou

It's alright, I don't think it's an overly harsh reply.
You have family around
I don't have family around who help.

How do you think single parents cope? I think ultimately lots of things get sacrificed and it's impossible to do it all.
I'll be genuine and say I'm honestly struggling doing 100% of this myself.
Which is making me doubt myself

Op . A Hv spoke to me in a refuge . She said abusive men do the minimum to get you back I can see this completely now .

It is exhausting looking after a child with additional needs. However you are just adding another problem to the equation imo.

You’re looking back through rose tinted glasses OP. Please do not have him back.

You WILL regret it.

Cleaner living environment
On time for school
better nutrition, as he did all the fresh cooking

Sorry, I haven't read your previous thread so this is a genuine question - is there a reason that you can't provide this? I mean, just because he did do all the fresh cooking - presumably you can, though?

They just don't seem very pressing reasons to let a violent man back into your life, when you could provide all those things for the kids WITHOUT making them live with a violent man, surely?

Don't do it! This will be the biggest mistake of your life.

@Charley50
You have a spare room; can you get an au pair
I've previously advertised for an au pair. I'm in a university city, have room with en suite that's quite self-contained and offered a good allowance, it's a good offer as rents are expensive in this city. The ad template does ask if any DC are disabled. I'm not sure if that's the reason, but I got zero responses.

@Charley50 I think you might of commented on my original post, month ago

OP you would be unreasonable to let him back in. I read your previous post - that man clearly terrorised you for years. Your children saw him do it. Having a cleaner house is no recompense for that. It does sound very tough but this will not make it better. to you

@theonlylivingboyinnewcross
is there a reason that you can't provide this?
At school my DC gets 1:1 care and they still really struggle. The assistants look completely drained.
At home I've got to add two more kids to parent. I can do it (I made a point this weekend of deep cleaning the house, and cooking fresh last night, the kids weren't on time tho) but I'm honestly on my knees trying to do it all myself. I'm chronically exhausted and in pain.

You poor thing, you sound desperate for help.

Unfortunately this man is NOT the answer.

How many replies have said anything other than a categorical and very loud no? That should tell you something.

You do sound low OP, and I dont doubt things do sound tough at the moment. But imagine how you'll feel when the realization hits you what you swapped this life for, once your ex moves back in. As tempting as an extra pair of hands feels it's a horrendous swap to get a cleaner house, some food and help in the morning. I cant even imagine he'll do any of the above longer term.
I haven't read your previous thread, so not sure the sex of your kids, but if you take him back you're teaching your daughter that this is the level of relationship a woman is worthy of, and sons, it's ok to treat women like this.
I'd advertise again, go see gp, let him know your on your knees, look online for charities that could help.
Anything than take this man and his pathetic offer back.

Also, is he paying maintenance for the kids?

Tell him no, and see his reaction.

My ex asked to come back and live with me, not in a relationship but again so he could be there for the kids etc.

I said no.

The conversation went from 'I really thought you would want me to come and help' to 'you are the biggest bitch I've ever known' in the space of two minutes.

I think you would be mad to take him back. But say no and see how he responds. Not a wishy washy 'oh I'm not sure', where you give him leeway to try and work his way back, but a decisive 'no, that won't work for me'.

I think your life might well be at risk if you do.

I did similar and nearly ended up dead. What haunts me is what he might have done to the children after he'd killed me.

I'm sorry if that sounds like scaremongering but statistically the moment you split up with an abusive man and then the first three years after a split are the most dangerous for a woman and for any children. My ex was calm, polite, joking around being a 'good dad' the day he made an attempt on my life. I honestly thought we were through the worst and we could be friends. Don't fall for it.

YABVU. I am in the same situation as you. Please have a hard look at yourself, and put your dc's best interests first. The longer they are around this man, the more you'll regret it later on in life.

Ok, let's assume for the purposes of this that he genuinely means his words (I think that's unlikely and he most likely just wants his nice cosy home back, but let's say he's genuinely sorry for this exercise). Has he been on an extensive abuser programme? Because even with one of them behind them, these men struggle to change. This is partly because once a barrier of unacceptable behaviour has been crossed, it's hard not to cross that barrier again.

Without this behind him, his chances of change drop from small to zero. Because even if he has great intentions, living with someone (even on a separate floor) requires compromise and DC are stressful. The moment things are difficult or you disagree, he will revert back to his violent behaviour. That's his most recent model and these habits are nigh on impossible to break.

It may be great for a week or so if you're lucky, but rest assured the abuse will resume. Then you'll be in a much worse position than you are now.

Tell him if you are even to consider this, he needs to go on an abuser programme first (and you need to see evidence of proper completion) and find somewhere of his own where he can parent the children. Tell him only once he's done this successfully and it has worked with him parenting the children from his own place for x amount of time will you consider it. I suspect once he doesn't get his own way and you make these two things a requirement, you'll get the measure of just how much he's "changed".

You obviously have space, so if you can't get an au pair, rent the room to a lodger and use the money for some paid help. That'll be far better than letting an abusive man back in the house.

The kids could well end up in care if you allow a Dv ex into the home. They could also end up with psychological trauma. No child should be in an environment where there is violence. Speak to ss and ask them for help eg respite for your son.

Btw I'm in a similar position with having a disabled child, abusive ex and no support. If you need virtual support from someone in a similar boat please feel free to send me a direct message on here. Better for women to support each other than to go back to men who never can.