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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being a boring wife...

84 replies

Alicewond · 10/06/2019 03:32

So I don’t want to bungee jump, I hate heights. I also don’t want to swim with sharks. Also terrifies me. Should I feel bad that I’m withholding experiences from him? I’ve been told I’m boring. Maybe I am

OP posts:
cocomelon23 · 10/06/2019 07:01

It's a bit rude to call you boring however I love to do this kind of stuff with my dp. I'd be a bit gutted if he said he didn't like any of that type of thing.

Have you ever tried anything like this? You might love it.

Loveislandaddict · 10/06/2019 07:07

What’s stopping him doing these experiences, and you going along to support him.

Eg, make shark swimming part of a nice holiday.

I wouldn’t want to do these experiences either.

CostanzaG · 10/06/2019 07:13

Why are you with holding experiences? Why can't he do these things on his own? Did he actually call you boring?

xJodiex · 10/06/2019 07:13

What matters is not what people call you, but what you want to do, if there's things you don't want to do, you have every right to say no. If you're around people who call you boring, I'd think about finding new people who have more respect for you.

PS I do not want to do those things you mentioned either but I did go on 2 rollercoasters for the first time in my life last week to be 'daring' - I'm not sure I could do it again because one f**ked my neck up - it still aches now - regret. It's not worth to try things you think you might regret.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/06/2019 07:18

Thrill seekers respond differently to the more cautious. MRI scans show different parts of their brains light up when they look at emotionally-charged pictures.

For thrill seekers, there's more activity in an area associated with addictive behaviours.

For the more cautious, there's more activity in area associated with emotional regulation.

His response is not his fault. Your response is not your fault. And he shouldn't make you feel as if it is!

mumto2babyboys · 10/06/2019 07:23

He can't be much of a thrill seeker if he hasn't done any of this stuff on his own before marriage and it's all bog standard/get insta likes stuff that any adrenaline junkie would have done already.

Has he only recently decided he wants to live a little then or what's the reason why he can't do it himself

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2019 07:26

He can do those things on his own or with friends though. Surely he knew what you liked when he married you?!

TemporaryPermanent · 10/06/2019 07:28

Are you stopping them? i would make an effort to facilitate a partner's adrenaline habit. While scheduling in time to read a book myself. I like physical activity but don't enjoy being scared in any way. I love a long walk, a view from a modest hill, outdoor swimming, historical sights. Adrenaline is a drug like any other and I don't enjoy drugs.

It's also true that I've never been with a partner who was happy with a relationship model of 'do stuff separately and get together to talk about it'. This is partly why I'm avoiding another relationship. For you, I would definitely fight back against the boring accusation. Not ok from anyone, especially your partner.

Hollowvictory · 10/06/2019 07:29

Why can't he bungee jump etc without you? I'd be 'that sounds nice dear, off you go'.

CountFosco · 10/06/2019 07:29

There's a bit in Fleabag about this which you should show him. But basically men go chasing adrenalin and pain and fear through war or climbing mountains or bungee jumping because their lives are boring. Women menstrate and give birth, that's visceral enough to mean we don't need to chase fake highs.

SoupDragon · 10/06/2019 07:29

Surely someone has to stand on the sideline and video these exciting things for posterity (and maybe an insurance claim)

category12 · 10/06/2019 07:31

He can go bungee jumping and you can watch?

He can go in a shark-cage and you can sit on the beach?

What's his beef with that?

SallyWD · 10/06/2019 07:39

My husband's an adrenalin junkie. I am the opposite. It's never caused any problems. He goes off and does his own thing, either alone or with similar friends. If I want to watch I can but there's no pressure from him. Everyone's different. You shouldn't feel bad (or be made to feel bad) because you're not like him.

Didiusfalco · 10/06/2019 07:43

Agree with what other have said. If he can’t go off and do these things by himself then the problem is him being needy and demanding.

statetrooperstacey · 10/06/2019 07:48

Are you sure he actually wants to do these things or do you think he wants you to say no so he can say “I would but boring wife says I’m not allowed🤷‍♀️“
Change your mind, say yes and watch his arse fall out😁

Thatsnotmyname4291 · 10/06/2019 07:51

My partner hates big rides. I love them. We have an agreement that they hold the coats while I whoop and scream.

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2019 07:51

How are you withholding these things from him? It's fine to not wish to, I wouldn't either, but is the issue he thinks he can't without you also doing it? As that would be weird, or are you stopping him?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/06/2019 07:52

Check his life insurance is up to date, then tell him he's welcome to jump off whatever he likes and swim with whatever he likes, and you look forward to hearing about it when he gets home.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 07:53

Tell him to 'crack on'

Don't see the issue, unless you are stopping him.

TriptychDebbie · 10/06/2019 07:53

My ex was petrified of horses so I went riding without him. Equally, he'd quite happily spend hours watching Formula 1 so I'd do something else instead. I don't see the problem OP.

foreverhanging · 10/06/2019 07:55

My dh did a bungee jump last week. There is absolutely NO WAY you would ever catch me doing that. He wouldn't ever call me boring!

madcatladyforever · 10/06/2019 07:55

How ridiculous OP, I wouldn't have called any partner of mine boring because they didn't want to accompany me to the annual dollshouse exhibition (I am a dollshouse nut), why would they be interested in that.
Similarly bunjee jumping, if it's not your bag why would you do it. You can be supportive of each other's hobbies without being part of them.
I think your OH needs a strong word.

Longdistance · 10/06/2019 08:03

He sounds like the boring one. My dh does these things, zip wires, bungees etc, he likes doing them, I wouldn’t even contemplate them.

He’s not an accountant by any chance?

woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 08:04

You're fine as you are. I like all that thrill stuff. DH doesn't. I'll be honest and say I do get frustrated or depressed sometimes that the stuff I most want to do we are very unlikely to do together, but I'd never judge him for it. And it means I can honestly admit these days that I really don't want to spend a week in the Prado staring at staid, dark paintings. As PPs have said, we have plenty else in common.

Cantthinkofausername1990 · 10/06/2019 08:06

Me and my dh are the same, although he wouldn't call me boring for it. He knows if I did these things I would physically be sick. He understands and would do these things with someone else while I watch.
Luckily our ds who is 5 is the same as dh so he doesn't have to look too far to get s partner any more!