Friends offering to 'help'

[HK2009]

Ok so I'm expecting opinions to be divided here as I know I should be grateful that my friends still want to be sociable now that I have a baby, but here goes...

I've recently had a baby - she's currently 3 and a half weeks.
In 3 weeks my OH is away on a stag do for 2 nights. My best friend of 12 years has asked if I'll 'be ok' (by all accounts I think I'm doing pretty well as a FTM!)
I've told them I'll be fine which has been followed by...

"Oh well I'll come to yours and we'll have a takeaway and watch movies and then I can help you out."
Friend has met DD once, and we have already arranged a day out the week before. When she met DD she had a cuddle and handed her back relatively quickly (completely understandable) but wasn't interested in anything else - a couple of visitors have offered to feed/change nappies etc but I don't know what's normal!
Also likes to stay anywhere from 5 hours onwards when visiting.

AIBU to make an excuse to stop her coming round? I love her to pieces but she can be hard work and I don't really want to spend my first weekend alone trying to look after the baby, the dog and the friend.

No you are not BU she sounds like hard work and 5 hours 🤭😵 I'd love to hear your excuse though good luck x

I think it's lovely that your friend has offered to come round. Maybe she thinks to keep you company. However no you arent unreasonable to make up some excuse for her not to come round. Spend the time as you wish 😊

She sounds like she wants to spend time with you, maybe she’s lonely

@salsmum that makes me feel better, thank you!

@Alicewond she is lonely, I know that she is. She doesn't work and lost touch with all her friends from school/college. Obviously previously I would be happy for her to come round for a chat etc but the baby won't just sit through an afternoon of movies. My priorities have had to change.

Same friend also asked to go out for lunch when baby was 5 days old and OH was still home on paternity leave, for perspective. I wasn't ready to go out on my own with DD anyway then so declined and she came to visit instead, but I just thought this to be a bit selfish

Just be honest.

"I'd love to see you but it's hard to take care of the baby so I usually have a nap at x o'clock so we might have to say goodbye then."

Or ask her to take the dog out while you chill.

If she's a good friend, she'll understand.

She doesn’t have kids so she has no frame of reference- I think she’s just trying to make the effort to keep the friendship going as often they don’t when babies arrive. Certainly none of my friends offered to come and hang out like this after my twins were born - most of them vanished entirely after a couple of cursory visits! I think it’s nice that she asked if you’d be okay on your own, it’s not a slight on you - some new mums really worry about those first times on their own with the baby.

At that age your baby definitely can sit through an afternoon of movies at home - all they need is cuddles and milk and not much else. Little ones are remarkably adaptable and portable and you can do lots of the things you did before, plus you can settle them down with some milk in most cases! If I’d known how much harder it gets to do things as they get bigger, I would have done more of this!

Of course, I don’t know her and you do - if you think she’s more likely to be a hindrance than a help then just make your excuses.

YANBU to make an excuse to stop her coming round but I genuinely don’t see what the issue is. She is your friend and wants to see you - it’s quite normal for other people not to have an interest in children that are not theirs. I’ve been out for lots of social lunches when my babies have been newborn and my husband on paternity leave as it’s the ideal time to be driven to and from places by him.

Toddlers won’t sit through an afternoon of films but babies will sit through days of it!

My DD is 9 weeks & so far DH has been away with work twice for a few days at a time, so I speak from recent experience!

I'd only have people round if they'll genuinely be as useful as they claim. I was surprised at how emotional I felt about DH going away the first time, not helped by DD missing him and having some cracking meltdowns.

First time DH was away my dad stayed which was great cos the dog adores him so he did all the walks, he's also chill company and a good cook! Second time both DM and MiL stayed, likewise, MiL helpful with dog and my DM happy to pitch in with housework (she even ironed my tea towels and pants ). Both were brill at cuddling DD so I could nap or have a bath. They all genuinely wanted to help out.

You know her so it's entirely up to you, but helping doesn't have to be with the baby directly.

Keeping you company, doing the dishes or a load of laundry or a grocery run or running the Hoover round can all help too - if she is the type that would do this kinda thing.

When I had dd I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby, the few that had babies of their own were helpful with cuddles etc and not thrown if dd screamed, the others were happy to make cuppas, throw a laundry load on etc if they popped round. Not that I expected or asked but they knew I was recovering from a section, ex only got a couple weeks off work and he also had to go on a course for work for a week when dd was about 5 weeks old.

But if she's the type to expect you to wait on her definitely postpone.

I think she's genuinely trying to be nice/helpful in offering to come over. She doesn't know what it's like to have a baby and she probably thinks you'd really like the company. She sounds lonely too and I imagine you having a baby would probably make her feel even more lonely (not that it's your problem, just making an observation). I would avoid pushing her away if you want to maintain the friendship.

Can you meet up with her in the day? Just tell her that you're far too tired to have people over in the evening but that you'd like to go to the park or a coffee and cake date with the baby on saturday morning. That way you can control how long you're there for and just go home when the baby (or rather, you!) has had enough.

In 3 weeks you might be glad of the company/ help. In 3 weeks you might find baby refuses to be put down and you struggle to get a shower or make a meal without someone to hold him.

the baby won't just sit through an afternoon of movies. My priorities have had to change. The baby will likely sleep most of the time and feed the rest. Movie marathons are often needed at that point!

If you don't want her over, you don't want her over and that's fair enough but to me it seems like she's trying to be nice and supportive. Those first few weeks/ months with a new baby can be lonely and in a couple of weeks you might be glad to have her around.

She's basically just offering to hang out, but she's inexperienced with babies. TELL her what will work for you and baby. Invite her to yours if it is easier. She'll learn by seeing for herself.

Ok at 6 weeks your baby will be at the perfect age to sit snuggled up wit you, napping, having milk and staring around. I spent a lot of time at that age catching up on box sets - glad I did as once they’re older you’ll have no chance.

She’s offering to bring you a takeaway so you don’t need to cook, keep you company at a time when a lot of new mums find it incredibly stressful to be alone with the baby, and am sure will hold the baby while you go to the loo etc.

It sounds like a genuinely helpful offer.

If it doesn’t work for you, then tell her what would. But honestly she sounds like she’s really trying to help, and a lot of people would like the help she’s offering so she’s not really done anything wrong here.

I agree with the previous posters. Your friend is asking if you would like a bit of company whilst your husband is away and you are possibly sleep deprived - I don't think she is being patronising or insinuating you can't cope.

My DH had to go to a once a year week lo g international conference when my twins were a month old, at the time they weren't even full term. My friend came round with a takeaway, took the rubbish out and changes the bed whilst I had a rekaxing bubble bath without the baby monitor.

Treat it as a girly night in but with less wine.

and MASSIVE CONGRATULATIONS.

She is making an effort but five hours is too long.

I would cut back, with 'I'd love to see you but not today as I am too tired and will be having a really quiet day'

or if you want to see her

'Yes I can do from xx to xx as I need an early night' ten minutes before cut off time, please start tidying up and saying you are looking forward to seeing her again soon.

Always plan to see her before you have an appointment, so the time naturally ends when you need to leave.

If its too much, nip it in the bud kindly, if you like seeing her and have the energy then just cut back days and length of visit.

I would say offering to feed/ change nappies is probably not the norm, especially as she hasn't had a baby herself. The better visitors got on with looking after themselves and me whilst I looked after the baby. Think about what would be nice and helpful and then tell her. If you only feel up to one film then put a limit on the visit. You could teach her how to feed and wind your baby so you can have a shower, if not this time maybe next time. Nappies are probably a step too far at this stage. I know that you had to learn this all but it feels very different when it isn't your own.

'That would be great Sarah, if you could come about 5 and take the dog for a walk then we will have a takeaway and watch .I am afraid I tend to go to bed about 8 though these days so I can get some sleep before the first night feed.'

She’s your best friend, she’ll be concerned for you after such a huge life change and I’m guessing won’t know what will or won’t help - so you could tell her?

Your priorities have changed, but there’s absolutely no reason why you couldn’t have a couple of movie and a takeaway at home, your 6 week old will still be at the cuddles, milk and sleep stage. If you don’t want her to be there it’s fine, you could explain you’re looking forward to having some time at home just you and baby but I can’t see that she’s doing anything wrong in what you’ve described.

Congratulations on your baby!
It sounds a little bit like you are desperate to prove you can look after the baby all by yourself and that by having your friend over it is somehow admitting that you need help. Nobody will see it this way. You say your friend is lonely so see it as doing her a favour by having her round for the afternoon/evening. You are still her friend, baby or not, friendship doesn't become one-way because you have a baby. Of course, if it really isn't something you can face then just gently explain that you have plans, or that you're looking forward to having the weekend to yourselves and arrange a catch up another time.

Sounds like she is simply being your friend and offering to help. She has no idea of what it’s like having a new born but you can show her.

She is able to make cups of tea, walk the dog, cook etc so will certainly be a help. And you can watch films while your baby sleeps or feeds. Sounds great to me...

You don’t sound very nice, tbh. Your friend is trying to fit into your new priorities and keep your friendship going, and you find that irritating. You probably should let her know where she stands so she knows not to wait for you.

My husband went to Afghanistan eyebrow our dd was12 days. I wish my friends or family offered to come over 😓

When

Sounds lovely to me! Another adult around, movie marathon, takeaway...

My baby was about 6 months old when we finally watched a film. Not all babies are film friendly. Colic can be all consuming and not really something that anyone other than DP could help with.

Another one saying your friend is just trying to be helpful - it’s not like she’s suggested a night on the piss! There’s nothing wrong with gently redirecting your friend to something else if you would find it all too much - have her come over earlier and leave earlier if that works better. As if she wouldn’t mind walking the dog or changing the sheets.

Your post smacks a little bit of that annoying thing some new parents get of “No one can POSSIBLY understand what’s it’s like to be a parent”. Don’t drive a wedge in between you for no real reason.