Friends offering to 'help'

[HK2009]

Ok so I'm expecting opinions to be divided here as I know I should be grateful that my friends still want to be sociable now that I have a baby, but here goes...

I've recently had a baby - she's currently 3 and a half weeks.
In 3 weeks my OH is away on a stag do for 2 nights. My best friend of 12 years has asked if I'll 'be ok' (by all accounts I think I'm doing pretty well as a FTM!)
I've told them I'll be fine which has been followed by...

"Oh well I'll come to yours and we'll have a takeaway and watch movies and then I can help you out."
Friend has met DD once, and we have already arranged a day out the week before. When she met DD she had a cuddle and handed her back relatively quickly (completely understandable) but wasn't interested in anything else - a couple of visitors have offered to feed/change nappies etc but I don't know what's normal!
Also likes to stay anywhere from 5 hours onwards when visiting.

AIBU to make an excuse to stop her coming round? I love her to pieces but she can be hard work and I don't really want to spend my first weekend alone trying to look after the baby, the dog and the friend.

It’s also quite telling that you are sort of complaining that she always likes to stay fro “at least 5 hours” as if this also pissed you off pre-baby. I love it when friends come for a proper long visit instead of squeezing me in between other commitments and having to leave just as the conversation gets going, it reminds me of being a child or student and just hanging out. I mean my true, comfortable to be with friends. If you are counting the hours that someone is with you then you probably don’t like them all that much.

It sounds as if you don't really like her very much, and she probably knows it. You're not very kind in the way you describe her. What can happen in such a dynamic is that the other friend tries too hard, which I suspect is what she's doing.

If you don't want her to come for a visit just say so then she'll know where she stands. Or, if you do want to keep her friendship, arrange to meet up with her at a cafe, and say you can only stay for a limited time.

I completely understand how you feel.
I was exactly the same when mine were newborn.
You just have to take things at your own pace and if anything feels too much, don't be afraid to tell people.

I think your friend means well but doesn't understand as she's not had children of her own yet.
Just be honest with her and explain you appreciate the offer of support (which is how she sees it and probably doesn't realise how over powering/ in your face she is being), but that you need some time alone with your new baby.

You are not being unreasonable to want that.
Everyone is different, and what may be helpful to one new mum, may be too much for another, and you just have to do what feels right for you. x

She's being a good friend - thinking you might be lonely and welcome some adult company.

You are understandably aware that 'looking after a guest' is just one more burden you could do without.

You can solve this euqation, if you want to, by making it clear you won't be 'hosting' and telling her, very directly, what she can bring or do during her visit to be helpful.

I've found, from the 'childless guest' perspective, that, at first, the start-stop nature of conversations was a bit frustrating, as you're used to having your adult friend's undivided attention. But you soon get used to it and realise that the rythmn of 'conversation flowing but with pauses' does work perfectly well - especially over relaxed longer time periods, when nobodody's trying to rush off and force a conversation into the allocated half hour.

From a parent's perspective, I found that one thing you really can do with babies, is sit and chat (in a stop-start way) with people. Which is why so many parents with babies spend a lot of time meeting for coffee. You can also watch a lot of television, or films, again stop-start.

She'll get used to the new rythmn of your life pretty quickly. She could also make herself useful if you direct her a bit.

So, depends whether you want to stay friends, see her and think she can be directed.

You make it sound as though you're doing her a bit of a favour by staying friends with her after others have drifted away. Hubris might bite you. You might be surprised at which friends you lose, because they're not interested in hanging out with babies, thinking about your needs, or willing to fit in with you.

asked if I'll 'be ok' (by all accounts I think I'm doing pretty well as a FTM!) is a silly comment, that speaks only of a defensive state of mind on your part. No-one's awarding medals for good parenting. Your friend just thinks you might be lonely.

I don't think you're being unreasonable & can really relate to your post. I think it's really worth remembering that all babies are different. My daughter has always been very alert, even as a young baby. She also never napped much & still doesn't so I never had the option to watch loads of films or boxsets. For me it was hard having friends over for long periods as she would cry a lot. Do what's right for you & don't feel under pressure to agree if it will cause stress.

I think your friend sounds lovely. Your OH is leaving you alone with a new baby to go on a jolly...but your friend is the selfish one for offering to keep you company? What kind of looking after do you think she will actually need from you!?

There are plenty of threads on here about friends drifting apart when one has a baby. Because maintaining friendships takes effort from both. If you want to keep her as a friend then you need to stop thinking she's selfish for trying to be a friend.

Does she maybe not like your OH and sees this as an opportunity to see you without him there. She sounds like she means well.

She is probably inexperienced around babies so is unfamiliar with what to do or how to hold your DD. The more time she spends with you and DD the more helpful she will be. Ask her to make a cup of tea while you feed the baby and often in early days you can just cuddle baby while watching a film.if you are lucky enough not to have a Velcro baby and want to catch up on sleep just tell her you need to take a nap as you are tired.

I feel like I maybe need to work on my phrasing as the childless friend who has often asked my Mum friends if they'll be ok / if they'll need anything whilst their OH's are away (often a combination of work / stag do's etc).

Most of them have pretty involved families but I always make sure they know they can call on me if needed for company (usually with a takeaway or I will cook and, depending on the friend, bring goodies for the next few days) or just general "oh shit" moments when it's not feasible for them to drop everything and go out (ran out of nappies, need calpol etc etc).

Hopefully she's just being nice and thoughtful. It's hard to know how to navigate it without causing offence sometimes.

Honestly you can't win as a childfree friend- either we don't make an effort or make too much effort! I think it's nice she has offered to bring food and she's checking you're ok. YANBU to say no but don't moan if she doesn't offer again

I think you are being unreasonable, she was being supportive by asking will YOU be okay; she wasn't hinting you wouldn't be capable of looking after your baby. Has your DH been away overnight yet? I think you might be surprised how much of a difference some adult company makes and how different the nights can be alone. Sounds like she is making an effort to keep the friendship going, which can be tricky from both sides- if you can't be arsed with her then for her sake let her know so she doesn't bother in the future.

The OP has disappeared, probably because she isn't getting the responses she was expecting.