Friends offering to 'help'

[HK2009]

Ok so I'm expecting opinions to be divided here as I know I should be grateful that my friends still want to be sociable now that I have a baby, but here goes...

I've recently had a baby - she's currently 3 and a half weeks.
In 3 weeks my OH is away on a stag do for 2 nights. My best friend of 12 years has asked if I'll 'be ok' (by all accounts I think I'm doing pretty well as a FTM!)
I've told them I'll be fine which has been followed by...

"Oh well I'll come to yours and we'll have a takeaway and watch movies and then I can help you out."
Friend has met DD once, and we have already arranged a day out the week before. When she met DD she had a cuddle and handed her back relatively quickly (completely understandable) but wasn't interested in anything else - a couple of visitors have offered to feed/change nappies etc but I don't know what's normal!
Also likes to stay anywhere from 5 hours onwards when visiting.

AIBU to make an excuse to stop her coming round? I love her to pieces but she can be hard work and I don't really want to spend my first weekend alone trying to look after the baby, the dog and the friend.

If I didn't want her there I'd make an excuse too. To be honest though, I have pretty much cut out all the old friends I used to make excuses not to see. Too much stress.

Sounds like she's trying to stay friends, don't really see what the issue is here tbh

Your first weekend alone with the baby and the dog won't be any different from your weekdays when your DH isn't around, apart from the overnight aspect, so you may well find you're very grateful for some adult company.

Is there any real reason why you would have to look after your friend? Surely this is the perfect opportunity to get her to make tea etc for you, also to sort out the takeaway and any washing up.

I don't see how a friend can help unless they look after the baby while you e.g. go to the supermarket or something. Or have a lie down for half an hour.

Guests are tiring if you ask me and then you have to offer them food and drink they bring work in themselves. It is nice she is interested in the friendship enough to bother though as most wouldn't.

Goodness by that time I would have begged someone to come over and keep me company! I had a c section but was out at a restaurant day after coming home (first bf in public too). I found looking after a baby pretty boring and had to get out every day. Luckily my baby was pretty chilled (reflux and fussiness came with second one). I never asked anyone to do nappy changes or tidying up and certainly no one ever offered!
A takeaway and chat/movie sounds great. But of course you should only do what’s comfortable. I was stir crazy, you may be blissful!

Takeaway for adult company while he is away? She brings it round and leaves by x time so you can sleep?

I feel sorry for her. She’s is just suggesting something that she thinks is suitable and is making an effort to maintain your friendship. It doesn’t matter whether she is very interested in your baby or not, she is thinking about you and what you might feel like doing. If you are bothered about maintaining the friendship you have to try and make allowances for her, she is trying to help when a lot of people wouldn’t think to.

I think the problem is that you feel unable to tell her what suits you, not her or other friends wanting to see you in ways which you find uncomfortable.

Can you be assertive in a way which doesn’t offend them?

If you want to see her then just say ‘I’m extremely tired due to new baby and would prefer you come over for a tea but I’ll only have an hour’ or whatever.

If you’d prefer to be on your own then just say you can’t have visitors at the moment as the baby needs to settle into a routine.

I do think you ABU as it’s up to you to tell them what suits you, not for them to know exactly how you feel and having not had babies themselves to know what to do to help you.

She is just trying to help and hang out with you. She has not got a baby so likely didn't realise inviting you out for coffee would be such a hardship.

If she was a friend, you would be able to speak to her about this. Instead your just bitching about her on here.

I would have loved this when I had a young baby!! I’m not sure why someone wouldn’t, but if you don’t want to, your friend wasn’t wrong to offer.

I think offering to feed and change baby is a bit intrusive but that other adults normally take care of other things while you deal with baby.

And surely you’ll be sitting about feeding anyway with such a small baby and it’s the perfect time to watch films?

You do sound like you just don’t want to, which is fine, but she’s done a really nice and thoughtful thing by offering!

Also, if you look at half the advice pages for “what do do when your friends start having babies” she’s actually doing all the “right” things - “Don’t just go over and hold the baby all the time, bring food over for the new parent, suggest nights In rather than nights out, reach out to check they’re OK when the dad goes away”. Unfortunately you’ve interpreted this as her not being interested in the baby and her suggesting you can’t cope!

I'd have loved a friend to offer to do this with me after having my DC and it's great that she has picked up on that a lot of new mum's may feel apprehensive about being alone with baby and even though she has no experience herself, she sounds like she believes she's helping which is lovely.However, if it's not what you want or need you will need then don't do it. Could you suggest a walk out in park with her and a coffee rather than her coming sitting at your house for hours? Will get you and baby some fresh air and it's a chance to see your well meaning friend and you might enjoy it. It's not so full-on if not in your home.

My best friend of 12 years has asked if I'll 'be ok' (by all accounts I think I'm doing pretty well as a FTM!)

I think you’re reading into her comment a slight that isn’t there tbh. You could be doing the best job in the world as a FTM and still be a bit anxious about 48 hours alone with your tiny baby, or want some company, or simply someone to make you a cup of tea.

You sound like one of those “my whole world has changed, you can’t possibly understand what it’s like” new mums who are, frankly, a bit precious and a bit annoying.

If you usually enjoy her company I think YABU.

Unless your DC has colic, reflux or something, there should be no problem with watching movies at home.

Visitors needn’t change nappies or give a bottle.

IME being “helpful” includes things like making drinks, bringing or helping make food and clearing up, walking the dog, keeping company, and if you’re sleep deprived and comfortable doing it watching the baby for a bit while you snooze.

I don't think it's 'selfish' that a friend offered to come over after you said you couldn't make coming out for lunch. If it doesn't suit you, just gently explain. They sound like they are trying to be good friends and keep you in their lives.

She sounds like a really good friend.
Your baby will be 6 weeks, she won't be doing anything other than feeding and sleeping and you won't have any sort of routine by then! A movie day will be perfect and, unless you prefer to be alone, the company will be nice.
You may feel differently in 3 weeks as you'll have been at home just you and baby more by then.
At least if the baby is fussy you'll be able to have a shower! If she's no good at baby related things ask her to help with other bits, making you a drink whilst your feeding etc.
I'd hold on to any friend that was happy to come and sit in the house with me and my newborn, 3 weeks is no indication of the first year of motherhood so don't shut a good friend out who may be invaluable in the future.

If you haven’t been alone for 24 h with the baby yet maybe give her offer more thought. Especially if you are breastfeeding you might end up needing food and a shower, or to poo. It’s easy to get to the end of the working day, harder to get through 24 h.
The perfect person to do this would have kids of their own, like my SIL who with both of mine walks in, takes the baby, changes nappies without asking and can tell when the baby is hungry or tired, but also knows exactly what lines not to cross.
Someone without that experience can’t do that, it’s true, but they can do other things. However, I would only let her come if you are comfortable with asking her to hold the baby while you shower and asking her explicitly to e.g. make you tea, make a sandwich for your lunch the next day, put the takeaway leftovers in a tupperware for your lunch. You also have to be comfortable leaving her in the living room alone for hours if you need to be somewhere else with the baby.
It sounds like she’s not that kind of person for you, but someone else could be.

Maybe leave it till closer the time and see which way the baby is.

2 hours after the first time my DH went out after DS was born, I walked in to find DS had thrown up all over his bed and himself. He then proceeded to throw up all over me as well. I stood there is a sea of vomit, dripping, and all I needed was another pair of hands.

This is what she is offering, and if I were you, I'd grab it with both hands. She isn't criticising your parenting skills. She's probably just been told by others that it's helpful to have another adult warm body around so you can have a shower, answer the phone, make a cup of tea, get the remote control after you've started feeding (and 6 weeks is often pin-to-the-sofa- cluster-feeding time), go to the loo.. so many things that used to be no brainers but can be difficult with a little baby.

She doesn't need to change nappies or hoover or provide you with food. Sometimes having someone who will sit in the room with a sleeping baby so you can get on is priceless.

Please just be honest with her.

I realised recently (unconfirmed) that my ‘BFF’ silently has issues with our friendship.
I was always the more popular one at school and she always hung around me, she was more reserved than me, had more family restrictions than me but I always thought we made it work. We shared everything, always made time to see each other and speak to each other. I thought everything was hunky Dory.

I realised it wasn’t when she started making comments about me/copying my style without including me etc. around college age. Comments were that she hoped later in life she could make me jealous with her wonderful life , remember that time when things went terribly wrong for me?, I have weird looking hands .

We still make an effort to see each other now and again, but she will never call me. When I call her she says she is pleased that I have as she is too ‘busy’ to call but will need to hang up now as somethings come up (fair to say that this is usually after a long period of time). If I go over to hers she makes me feel I have overstayed my welcome but not directly saying anything (I just know).
She only ever really speaks to me properly now to brag about how wonderful her life is, hardly ever follows up after asking how I am if I respond negatively, and is just generally uninterested.

I have persisted a few times when I really need someone to be there for me as things have gone to shit, and especially as I have supported her through tough times. But as time goes on I can’t believe I failed to see it!
Looking back now I remember that whilst she was always involved in my family life, would never involve me in hers. I would go out to support her if she needed but she would never return the favour and much more.

Anyway since she has had her child, she has become smugness amplified. I am currently struggling to conceive but haven’t let that stop me giving her presents, offering to see her but not persisting if she says no, being there to speak to her, asking how she is etc. She has done nothing but use me to brag to, never followed up when I’ve told her I’m very much failing to cope with the ttc situation and STILL never called me to see how I’m doing.

I wished she’d actually told me something so I could tell her to fuck off.

On the face of it, it sounds to me that you’re very much absorbed in your own situation to bother about her. This is fine if it’s how you feel. I would just be honest with her and put her out of her misery tbh.

Yep, she's being a caring friend, and doing the 'right' things.
That doesn't mean you have to take her up in the offer though, if you'd prefer that weekend alone.

When it eventually happens for me I would personally love to have a good friend over to help get me through the day/give me some companionship. Let’s see if any of them offer ha!

I've been ill lately and had the same thing. Whereas I would love visitors I cringe when the door goes. Enjoy your space.
Maybe you could offer to meet for a coffee out somewhere instead? That way she can't overstay her welcome.

Cinemas have babes in arms showings for up to 1 year old precisely because they will be happy to be cuddled through a film at this age.

Re the lunch offer, you said you weren’t confortable going out on your own with DD at that point, but you also said that your DH was at home on pat leave. Did you mean to type “without”?

This sounds less about your friend not being genuinely helpful and more about you feeling that you have moved on from the friendship and not wanting to include her in your day-to-day. Makes sense that she’d help with the non-baby side of stuff freeing you up to focus only on DD/go to the loo or shower a bit more freely.

I feel a bit sorry for your friend. She hasn't had a child but you found it "selfish" that she asked if you wanted to go for lunch and was interfering with DH's paternity leave. It's not selfish is it though. I get that you don't really want her visiting for 5hrs, especially when DP was on paternity leave but you just need to be clearer with her.

And I think it's nice she's offered to come round. A baby is the best time to have a movie night actually if your baby doesn't have any colic issues etc. and is happily settled. She might not be great with handling the baby but she can make you drinks, dish up food etc. Keep you company. I'm just guessing you don't want her company.