To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

I never ever wanted children and never felt that maternal yearning for them

This exactly. I love my baby nephew sooo much but would never have DC myself

Holy fk, you two sound shallower than a damp patch here.

Honest you mean.... this is a controversial subject and should have a warning for these people getting defensive over facts.

Because it looks awful. And because three of my best friends who have had kids have individually told me, in confidence, that if they had their time again they would not have children for all the reasons mentioned here

I did want children. Always knew deep down I would have them but in the back of my mind was the horrendous childhood I had. (In and out of care, father left when I was very young, mother who tried to kill me and was in and out of the local psychiatric hospital several times per year who when I have described her behaviour on here recently it was described as batshit and cruel) Even my cousins lives were completely chaotic. .

It was drummed into me that having children would ruin my life.
I think as a family we probably have a combination of ADHD and I think there is an element of a genetic hyper low cholesterol.

I waited till I was in my late 30s to have my first and 40s for my second and my only regret is I didn't start sooner .

I love being a mother (DC in there late teens now) and my DC tell me I am the best mummy in the world. And so do their friends.

I just think about what my mother (NC with my family for decades) would do and do the exact opposite.
It has worked out every time.

I don't get the drudgery comments

Isn't that up to you what you do.

Mine both have ADHD (one diagnosed, one ticks all the boxes)

My house was kept relatively clean and tidy because we went out all day.

In the summer it was Legoland, the zoo, parks and picnics etc. Not so nice days they ran around in the shopping mall, ikea offer free childcare for an hour, whilst I would have a wander or a coffee.

When I was working they had nursery.

Never felt drudgery once

*@chanderl you don’t think it’s drudgery, personally I think that providing cooking, cleaning and other services to another human is objectively committing to a life of drudgery.

It’s fine for you not to think it is, and it’s fine for other people to think it is. 100% agree.

And it’s not just the baby stage is it? You’ve got school drop offs, name tags to sew in, parties to be a taxi service for, nutritious food to cook because you can’t afford a Deliveroo and it’s not cool to feed the kidos beans on toast two nights in a row.*

Every single life has some sort of drudgery, I actually hate just cooking for myself for example.

To each their own indeed.

I take issue with non-parents who assume what being a parent is like. They haven't done it, yet believe it's all shit. Which is just uneducated opinion.

These are the parents who will also struggle to let their children go, as they then no longer have a purpose
My parents were like this. It wasn’t just a problem in the sense they had no purpose and were boring. It also made me feel like I couldn’t grow up and live my own life because I’m all they have. As a teen I was quite isolated because I felt guilty when I went out and left them. I left home twice and came back because they weren’t coping. It ruined my career because I’m fully qualified but can’t get a job around here. My parents still pop in on me about 3-4 times a week and I’m 40. I want to emigrate but I know I can’t even consider it until they die. I’m determined not to make my own child feel like he can’t go out and live his life.

three of my best friends who have had kids have individually told me, in confidence, that if they had their time again they would not have children for all the reasons mentioned here

Lol my mum told me this too

chanderl

Ok I'll bite.

Ok. But what are you actually hoping to achieve with your responses? Presumably you’re not trying to talk the poster into having kids?

yea like that doesn't happen LOL.....

@chanderl 'I take issue with non-parents who assume what being a parent is like. They haven't done it, yet believe it's all shit. Which is just uneducated opinion'

What do you want us to do? Give birth then realise 'Christ yes I was right, this is shit!'and leave the kid in a shop? No thanks. I trust my judgement and indeed the three friends who I also trust who individually told me being a mother is fucking awful.

I didn’t want kids up until last year. Something just switched in me and at 33 I’m now planning on losing weight and getting healthy to start ttc

I didn't want them. Never liked children, didn't feel maternal at all. But when I got married my husband really wanted a child so I did it for him. And I'm so very glad I did. Best thing ever.

Decided when I was a teenager & have not changed my mind
It's a huge responsibility
I have plenty of work, hobbies that fill my life

However, I do understand that other people have strong parental urges. It just isn't something for me

I take issue with non-parents who assume what being a parent is like. They haven't done it, yet believe it's all shit. Which is just uneducated opinion.

We don't all have to experience something to know it's not for us. In fact having an educated opinion is what most of us do to apply our feelings and knowledge to anything to decide whether to do it or not.

You actually don't need to be educated to have a child. It's just sex and anatomy.

'I take issue with non-parents who assume what being a parent is like. They haven't done it, yet believe it's all shit. Which is just uneducated opinion'

But that is exactly the same as someone who had kids at (say) 20 assuming they know what life is like for someone aged 40 who didn't.

Hence all the posts about how people without children are assumed to be flitting off on holidays every 5 minutes, cocktails permanently attached to one hand, new dress in the other.

my husband really wanted a child so I did it for him

Actions like these confuse me. I always wonder what would have happened if you had the child and realised that you had been right all along, and you didn't actually want a child.

*@chanderl 'I take issue with non-parents who assume what being a parent is like. They haven't done it, yet believe it's all shit. Which is just uneducated opinion'

What do you want us to do? Give birth then realise 'Christ yes I was right, this is shit!'and leave the kid in a shop? No thanks.*
No obviously not. Just don't say it's shit when it isn't.

I trust my judgement and indeed the three friends who I also trust who individually told me being a mother is fucking awful

I bet for those three people there are three thousand that will tell you it's great.

You spend lots on your hobby horse

You don't have enough money to take your partner out for a birthday meal

Look at where your priorities are !

Even when I was a kid myself, I remember not wanting kids in the future (to which I used to get told that I was "not normal"). I found dolls an affront (even when I was small I used to think it was sexist bollocks) and would chuck them out the window, much preferring soft toys and art materials.

The doll thing is interesting imo. I was never into dolls, either. I had a baby-type doll bought for me one Christmas, but never played with it. I asked for a Sindy doll when they were all the rage, but I was only really interested in her outfits. Even with soft toys, I preferred the ones that were like real animals, rather than teddy bears. My favourites were a donkey and a rabbit, and I used to make up stories about them.

When I was approaching 4, my dad took me shopping to choose my presents. I opted for a machine gun that made a horribly realistic noise and a mouth organ. I bet my mum was delighted by that!

After that it was books, books and more books. If I'd read all my books, I would start on adult books. My mother found me reading Casino Royale when I was 9.

Hearing from childfree MNers that they weren't into dolls either makes me wonder if perhaps there is something genetic that gives the urge to procreate and we don't all have it.

To which the only reasonable response is BINGO!

You need technicolor for the star prize.

You’ve got school drop offs, name tags to sew in, parties to be a taxi service for, nutritious food to cook because you can’t afford a Deliveroo and it’s not cool to feed the kidos beans on toast two nights in a row.

I am either an awful parent or I have parenting hacked.

I did do the school drop offs, but I never sewed anything I would write their initials or names on to the label, probably was a taxi service but where we live you have to get in your car for everything and I like driving.
I can't cook so my DC grew up on a combination of eggs, beans and chips and the occasional vegetarian spaghetti bolognaise. DP cooked at the weekend.

Would have used tskeaway but no one delivers to our address

I admire people who never have kids for not giving in to the social pressure.

Calling a baby an alien is irrational.

It may be so, but you know that bit in the film, "Alien", where the alien bursts out through whatshisname's body? That just made me think of pregnancy!

I find the thought of another person growing inside me really yucky. And as for getting it out ...

You can have a great life with or without children.
You can also have a s**t life with or without children.
A lot of it is down to luck.
I do feel sorry though for the children who are totally smothered & feel if they leave home their parents will fall apart. That must be awful for all concerned.

As I said on another thread, I read Mumsnet too much. You guys paint quite the picture of parenthood

Seriously, my husband and I have put it off another couple of years. I don't pretend to know how I'll feel in a couple of years, but I don't see either of us having the temperament to go through more than one birth/toddler experience (twins common in my family).

Our lifestyle has changed to a lot more sedate and grounded, homebody type style, but we're not yet - and will possibly never - have the urge to add children to the mix. Cats are plenty for the time being!

@chanderl

Is it so hard to understand that what you consider "not shit" could be shit for another person with a different background, personality, etc?

We are not all the same. Not everyone is cut out for being a parent. Some of those people did it anyway and have caused a lot of damage to their children (sadly I speak from experience as one of those children).

If someone tells you they don't want kids, you don't have to argue the toss with them to validate your own choice.