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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finding out the baby's sex

53 replies

skinnyduplotowers · 09/06/2019 13:19

Would like to know WIBU. I am currently pregnant with second child. For first we did not find out sex until the birth. One of us didn't enjoy that and wants to find out during the pregnancy. The other thinks that is unacceptably playing favourites and treating them unequally. Who is right?

OP posts:
AphidEater · 09/06/2019 13:21

It’s not playing favourites - it’s not like one is gaining an advantage by you knowing the sex.

That said, if you don’t want to know you don’t want to know. Could the one who wants to find out just keep it a secret? I know I couldn’t but some might be able to!

user1493413286 · 09/06/2019 13:22

I don’t think that’s playing favourites, I can’t imagine it mattering to either child when they grow up so I don’t see why you shouldn’t find out if that’s the only argument against

WhatIfIHadnt · 09/06/2019 13:22

The one who wants to find out is right

Alsohuman · 09/06/2019 13:22

The person thinking they’re being treated unequally is being absurd. I’m holding up my riot shield in preparation for the flaming but I don’t understand why people can’t wait until the birth like we had to for millennia.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 13:23

'Playing favourites' makes no sense, unless you think the baby will somehow know? Grin

I think ultimately it should be a joint decision to find out before its born.

WhenZogateSuperworm · 09/06/2019 13:23

We didn’t find out for our first as we wanted a surprise. But for the second we did find out because I wanted to clear out the boys things to make room if they weren’t going to be needed.

00100001 · 09/06/2019 13:24

Playing favourites? Hmm

How odd. Why would it be favouritism?? Confused

Baloonphobia · 09/06/2019 13:24

We had to find out with both of mine. I can't understand not finding out. Horses for courses.

Lost5stone · 09/06/2019 13:25

Either way is fine but it's doesnt make a difference re treating them differently, neither child is gaining or losing anything

gumbucket · 09/06/2019 13:26

Playing favourites? Which one is favourited? This implies that even the reluctant parent thinks that one option is better than another.

fairislecable · 09/06/2019 13:27

I was given the opportunity when I was expecting twins I wanted to know but DH didn’t.

I was told when he wasn’t there the sex of one of them and I kept the secret until the birth.

Both happy.

SundayMorningSun · 09/06/2019 13:27

They're not "being treated unequally", they are different people being born in different circumstances. If one parent found it hard last time, then that is a good reason to do something differently - just like any other pregnancy-related decision.

Fwiw, my parents found out with some of my siblings and not with others (not me, for example). I don't think any of us could care less.

DisneyIsMyDrug · 09/06/2019 13:28

I found out with my second just because I wanted to know what it was like knowing beforehand. I didn’t think of it as favouritism, just wanted to see what it was like! Sounds stupid but that was my logic Grin

coffeeaddiction · 09/06/2019 13:30

@DisneyIsMyDrug which did you prefer , finding out early or at birth ?

Butchyrestingface · 09/06/2019 13:31

The one who wants to know finds out before the birth and keeps schtum, painting the nursery in nice, neutral pastels.

The one who doesn’t want to know sets money aside for the day offspring no 1 finds out about one parent “playing favourites” and needs a blank cheque for years of Freudian psychoanalysis. Except, wait... that’s never gonna happen.

CocoLoco87 · 09/06/2019 13:32

If you find out, then you can prepare your first child by saying "When your brother gets here, or when you have a sister..." etc. We named DC2 at 20 weeks so DC1 was always referring to him by his name before he was born. But we're all different Smile

Original poster
skinnyduplotowers · 09/06/2019 13:40

I am the one that wants to find out, and have offered to keep it secret, but that's not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
skinnyduplotowers · 09/06/2019 13:41

Apparently this is making me a worse mother, and I am being judged.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 09/06/2019 13:42

I am the one that wants to find out, and have offered to keep it secret, but that's not good enough.

Is this the first time your partner had been so rigid and controlling inflexible?

userabcname · 09/06/2019 13:43

No it's fine....how does that make you a bad mother? What an odd notion.

Pepperwand · 09/06/2019 13:44

I didn't find out with either of mine and just my personal opinion but I think it is more special that way. That moment when baby is born and you find out what you have is so exciting and I wouldn't want it any other way. I also didn't want to find out what I was expecting and start referring to it by the name I had picked out. I know it's probably ridiculous but I felt it was almost tempting fate before the baby had even arrived safely. But, to each their own. If you didn't find out last time surely all your newborn things are neutral anyway but if one of you really wants to know perhaps the sonographer can write it on a piece of paper and then it can be kept a secret from the other parent?

ElizaPancakes · 09/06/2019 13:45

Your partner is being absolutely pathetic, and trying to have this hold over the mother of his children makes him a terrible father.

We found out, both times, but it is possible to find out and keep it a secret.

Butchyrestingface · 09/06/2019 13:47

Apparently this is making me a worse mother, and I am being judged.

Judged by who, your partner or a wider circle?

YANBU.

ElizaPancakes · 09/06/2019 13:48

@Pepperwand that’s really interesting you say that about tempting fate (sorry to derail a bit OP). We found out the first time because there were potential fatal issues with the pregnancy. Everything was fine the end tho. It made us both feel more connected I think.

Second time we found out for more practical reasons - neither time was really a surprise tho as there are no girls in DH’s family!

ToastyFingers · 09/06/2019 13:50

I wanted to know and my husband didn't. We compromised and did one of each. This is because my husband thinks my feelings are just as valid as his. Yours' doesn't, so I think you have bigger problems than whether to find out the sex of your baby.
I hope he shapes up and you get to enjoy your pregnancy OP.