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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finding out the baby's sex

53 replies

skinnyduplotowers · 09/06/2019 13:19

Would like to know WIBU. I am currently pregnant with second child. For first we did not find out sex until the birth. One of us didn't enjoy that and wants to find out during the pregnancy. The other thinks that is unacceptably playing favourites and treating them unequally. Who is right?

OP posts:

smokyburgandy · 09/06/2019 13:54

Another here who waited for the first and found out for the second. I don't see it as favouritism.

Original poster

skinnyduplotowers · 09/06/2019 14:03

Yes he is often this inflexible, but he is an exemplary father (currently in the bath cleaning off vomity toddler) and is only being like this because he truly believes it would be a problem. I just can't understand why he thinks treating them fairly means treating them equally in every respect, and wanted to check whose judgement was off on this one. Thanks all.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 09/06/2019 14:05

We didn’t find out - wasn’t important to us.

Heyha · 09/06/2019 14:12

Sounds to me like he may have a preference for which sex you're having this time and is worried about projecting that so is coming up with odd reasons instead, to cover that up?

FWIW we haven't found out for our first (novelty value I guess) but plan to if we have a second, mainly for the benefit of DC1 understanding what's happening.

NunoGoncalves · 09/06/2019 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

9nine · 09/06/2019 14:19

How ridiculous, it’s not favouritism in the slightest! He’s going to have a hard job making everything fair and equal - Is he going to make sure this birth is exactly the same as your last just to make sure one doesn’t have a different experience to the other?

I didn’t find out for my first two (my hospital didn’t tell you back then and private scans weren’t a thing and tbh I don’t think I’d have found out anyway) but I did for the following seven because the hospital did tell you then, but not once have I had my oldest two saying it was unfair, the thought would never enter their heads!

I’d say that as you didn’t find out last time at his request, it’s only fair that you get to find out this time.

ItsJustASimpleLine · 09/06/2019 14:26

I had surprise first time and found out second time. Ultimately things were different second time round, I had a 3 year old at home I wanted to be organised and buy the appropriate clothes if necessary (I was having a boy, the first one of 13 girls in the family, turns out I needed some blue), I told DD she was getting a brother so no problems with her wanting a girl and getting a boy she just knew from the start and we couldn't decide in a boys name so it helped us focus knowing we needed to pick.

Its personal preference and each pregnancy is different and your circumstances have changed so it's not treating differently.

PregnantSea · 09/06/2019 14:28

It's not playing favourites, that's a really stupid thing to say. Sorry for being so blunt. Tell your DH to stop being an idiot.

Anyway, I can see why he wouldn't want you to know and him not to - I think you should either both know or both be surprised. There is no real compromise here. Perhaps it would make sense to find out this time as you already experienced the surprise last time, so it would be fair of your DH to let you try it your way this time.

bellinisurge · 09/06/2019 14:32

I didn't find out with the first- and, as it turned out, only. Had I had a second I would have found out to help the first adjust.
I think.
I'm old and there was no finding out beforehand for my mum and her three.

DisneyIsMyDrug · 09/06/2019 20:39

@coffeeaddiction well I’m still pregnant with my second but I think because both pregnancies have been so different in terms of circumstances (first one planned, this one a surprise) that I haven’t really preferred one over the other. I will say I am glad we found out this time as because we’re having another boy (which I was convinced of anyways!) there was a small moment where we were like “oh, we won’t be using our girl’s name”. It wasn’t disappointment, just a kind of final realisation that we won’t be having a girl (last pregnancy!) & I’m glad we got that out the way before he’s born so it didn’t put a bit of a dampener on his birth (if that makes sense.)

Hahaha88 · 09/06/2019 20:44

He sounds like a loon. And a nasty one at that saying it makes you a bad mother to find out the sex simply because you didn't last time.

kelly14 · 09/06/2019 20:46

I’m 21 weeks and my other half found out at 16 week gender scan and I don’t know the sex. Just had 20 Week scan and declined to find out. It’s been 5 weeks now he hasn’t slipped up although I am certain it’s a girl.
We didn’t find out with our 14 month old boy and I thought it was amazing finding out the sex at the birth ( I have a 14 year old daughter from previous relationship also and I had found out with her and much prefer not knowing)
Obviously other half didn’t find it quite so magical as me lol
I felt him wanting to know was as valid as me not wanting to know.
No one but me knows he knows though as otherwise daughter and some family would want to know so this was a rule of him finding out that he couldn’t tell a soul.

I will say it’s like pretending not to
Be pregnant as I don’t like to talk about baby much incase he slips up and think he is terrified too for same reason as I would kill him lol
In ideal world I would have preferred he didn’t find out.

WhiteRedRose · 09/06/2019 20:49

Errm...OP. You need to have a long hard look at your partner here...

If you want to find out, then you find out. End of. It is your body and your baby that you are growing.

WhiteRedRose · 09/06/2019 20:51

And an exemplary father doesn't call the mother of his children a 'bad mother' ffs

Frustratedandalone · 09/06/2019 21:07

I did with my first. I didn’t want to originally, I declined at the scan that you can tell. But I was having a difficult pregnancy and decided to see if they could tell at my next scan. It lifted me so much and planning her room made me enjoy what I could do during that pregnancy.

Second time round I wanted to know because our eldest wanted to. She was so excited to help me do the bedroom and pick clothes, me and DH thought it would make it easier for DD1, to help her feel involved. It really did!

NoWordForFluffy · 09/06/2019 21:14

We didn't find out with either, though I would've done with the second if DH had also wanted to. As he didn't, I didn't find out either.

I quite enjoyed finding out at their births.

Your DH is being a bit odd on this one, however. What bizarre reasoning he's giving.

ChristmasInJuly · 09/06/2019 21:36

“Playing favourites” is a really odd way to look at it.
We didn’t find out with DC1 but did with DC2 and personally, I thought it was lovely not finding out, and kind of wish we hadn’t found out the second time (after having a DS, it would’ve been a lovely moment in the delivery room to find out we had a DD). I am also not one of those people who couldn’t “bond” with my baby because I didn’t know if it had a penis or a vagina.
We just looked at it as we’ve experienced it both ways, and they each have their merits.

Di11y · 09/06/2019 22:24

I think it's useful for the older child to get their head around new sibling if they know what sex, e.g baby brother, rather than baby.

Original poster

skinnyduplotowers · 09/06/2019 22:40

Frustratedandalone, I had hoped that too. Unfortunately if only I found out we couldn't very well tell DC1.

WhiteRedRose, that's not quite what he said and you don't know what I said to him! He is a great father, but sometimes says unkind things in the heat of the moment (as do I). It's probably because he knows I'm right...

Very much appreciate the replies, thanks again all.

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 09/06/2019 22:52

We didn't find out with dc2 because we wanted to see what it was like to not know the sex beforehand but we did with the others. None of my dc care at all about this.

Personally I found it very special finding out at the scans but some people think differently and that's fine too. The moment your child is born isn't always a magical experience full of joy and with some of my children the anomaly scan was a more special moment than their birth. With my youngest in particular I much prefered discovering the sex of our baby in the scan room when both me and dh were happy and more importantly conscious, rather than when he was born which wasn't a happy occasion.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/06/2019 22:57

I found out as soon as I could, I don't like surprises. I don't dress DS is any more blue than I would if he was a girl either.
I think the argument of being able to explain to DC1 and manage expectations is a good one.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 10/06/2019 07:39

The other thinks that is unacceptably playing favourites and treating them unequally.

This is utter rubbish.
Proof of this is I am not even clear who the favourite would be in this scenario?
The one who you loved so much sex was kept as an “amazing surprise” for when you “met them” or the one you loved so much you could be “bothered” to find out the sex of?

I cannot imagine anyone caring whether their parents did or didn’t find out the sex. I don’t even know if my parents found out my sex before I was born.

I would crack on and find out the sex and in public forums mention his laughably stupid attitude “Geoff said I was a bad mother and was playing favourites. Can you imagine? Hahaha!”

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 07:42

You want to find out the sex of the baby inside you? Find out. It’s not a joint decision.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 10/06/2019 07:43

I just can't understand why he thinks treating them fairly means treating them equally in every respect

This will also be an issue for the foreseeable future. They will have different needs and a one size fits all approach is short sighted

00100001 · 10/06/2019 08:46

YY to equal not always be fair!

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