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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you fell in love with someone you didn’t instantly fancy?

75 replies

Somethingsosimple · 07/06/2019 12:34

I’ve had a succession of rubbish relationships in the past where although I was initially very attracted to them I realised that they weren’t particularly great partners. I have now met someone through a friend who is incredibly funny and warm and friendly but doesn’t instantly give me butterflies. We get on so well and we do flirt with other each other and I love spending time with each other. In the past I have always believed there has to be that initial stage where you can’t keep your hands off each other but wonder if a relationship can grow without this. I would love to hear from people who can tell me that it can.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 07/06/2019 16:05

My DH and I started off as friends. He actually seriously dated by next door neighbor for 2 years. Over time, that friendship deepened and bloomed into attraction. So yes, we had the can’t keep our hands off one another phase, but we didn’t start out that way.

CMOTDibbler · 07/06/2019 16:11

Yup, married to dh for 22 years, but he doesn't fit my physical 'type' at all (and neither do I his). I knew him as a friend for years before, and once we were together it all just felt so right - and thats endured

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/06/2019 18:33

DH and I started as work colleagues, then friends, though I thought he was a bit of a knob at times! He even told me he didn’t fancy me! But as time wore on and we liked each other more, that friendship turned to flirting, then lust then marriage! We’ve been together 20years now!

scaryteacher · 07/06/2019 19:35

I didn't fancy dh when I first met him, but he stuck around and got under my skin. 34 years together this year and married 33.

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery · 07/06/2019 19:55

Yes. Met my DP on POF of all places. He messaged me first and I wasn't keen on initial glance as he had only one photo on his profile and he is dark blond with blue eyes, whereas my 'type' that makes me go weak at the knees is black hair brown eyes. Grin

But his opening message was really warm and genuine and so I ventured into a reply.

After two weeks of messaging, swapping more profile pics and finding out we had a so much in common, plus mutual friends and the exact same sense of humour, we decided to meet.

He's a chef and baked me chocolate brownies for out first meeting. He was a lot keener on me than him and I found it sweet, but a little overwhelming too, but I went with it. We went to a huge crazy golf course and then my local, where we stayed until a lock-in and I drunkenly snogged him. I regretted it instantly as I didn't think I fancied him. But we got on so well, I was open to seeing more of him.

Second date he cooked a beautiful dinner for me, third date we went out for a meal and he bought me flowers. I still didn't "fancy" him, I thought he was good looking, funny and kind, but there was no spark. A month later we had the test of a seaside break and after three months together it was Christmas and he came over (we both aren't huge fans of big family Christmases) and had a lovely day together, with a meal we both cooked. He stayed for two weeks, we had a relaxing time, no work to go to, lots of laughs and that was when I started to unexpectedly fall in love with him.

We have never argued in the five years we've been together, he moved in three years ago and we laugh until we ache every day and he was my absolute rock when I lost my mum a few weeks ago.

I'm so glad I pushed away my doubts. It was a slow burn for me with him and it seems to be working. I count myself lucky every day for having such an amazing man, I love him so very much.

So, yes. What have you got to lose? Go for it!

Kleptronic · 07/06/2019 20:12

The first time I considered my now-husband's body I came to the conclusion that he was a smackhead. Plus he had a terrible long mullet/pony tail and was balding.

He's not and never has been a smackhead, he's really bloody thin (think greyhound). Eats though, whatever he likes, the bastard. He is baldy - he's shaved the mullet off.

I like him very much and I'm glad he's not going to be a portly elder, unlike me. Smile

heartshapedpositnotes · 07/06/2019 20:44

No! Am loving these stories though and don't doubt that for many people this is the case, so don't listen to me. Whenever I've had a partner I got on swimmingly well with and found kind of attractive but didn't actively fancy, I lost interest pretty quickly.

For the first three months it's 'oh wow you're awesome and I really enjoy you as a person and having sex with you, let's do it all the time!'. Then that initial rainbow wears off and I quickly fall into 'oh right it's been a week, we'd better do it'.

So it totally depends on you OP. All the other posts are in your favour! I personally have renounced myself to a life of happy singledom because I'm not willing to forsake that lust (which of course is an untenable dream even if you do have that instant attraction).

Definitely pursue and see how it pans out...

QuitMoaning · 07/06/2019 20:50

Yep.

I have never had butterflies with my partner and we set out to just be friends but that didn’t work and 10 years later, I love him deeply and will never do anything to jeopardise our relationship.
Still don’t get butterflies but I am so genuinely happy.

pigglypug · 07/06/2019 21:04

Yes! I didn't fancy my partner at first but one day it just clicked and I realised there was no one I enjoy spending time with more. It was a slow burner and different to other relationships as there wasn't a huge amount of physical spark but I couldn't love him more and he makes me so happy. Grin

FortheloveofJames · 07/06/2019 21:30

Absolutely. Me and DP met through work and instantly became good friends. I always knew deep down he had feelings for me but for ages I literally cringed at the thought of us actually being more than friends. Fast forward 5 years- currently expected DC2 and can’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else.

DramaAlpaca · 07/06/2019 21:33

Yes. We've been together over 30 years now & he's perfect for me.

FarTooMuchWashing · 07/06/2019 21:33

Yes. I’ve been married to DH for 19 years and we’ve been together for 26 years. We really didn’t like each other when we first met; 4 months later we were madly in love and now have kids, mortgage, dog...

BarbarianMum · 07/06/2019 21:36

Slow burn here too. We were colleagues, then friends, then 1 day I just started thinking hmmm. Married 15 years now.

Mamabear12 · 07/06/2019 21:38

The instant attraction is called lust. That usually doesn’t last or make for a great relationship. Giving someone a chance and getting to know someone can be the foundation of a great relationship and you can become attracted to qualities such as humour, smarts etc.

janetforpresident · 07/06/2019 21:39

Another yes here. Give it a chance.

BarbarianMum · 07/06/2019 21:39

Oh and I did get the butterflies, just not when we first met. Smile

heartshapedpositnotes · 07/06/2019 22:01

Apologies for jumping in with a further question here that's not OP's. I went in with 'No! Lust is so important, yet can also be misguided':

Looking at all your (truly) amazing relationships that may or may not be built on the initial physical desire. Do you feel the natural desire to have sex with your partner? I guess that's the difference between having sex and 'making love'?

TheDarkPassenger · 07/06/2019 22:02

I’m the complete opposite of most people here in that I had two relationships with people who I didn’t immediately fancy and both times it wore off so bad that I couldn’t even stomach the thought of shagging them.
First time I met my now fiancé we both were in relationships, nothing happened but the intense mutual attraction was insane and it has never wore off, I look at him and I still get butterflies, the sex is insane and has never been boring or shit and after 3 kids and a shit load of shit with my bipolar being so up and down we still fancy the pants off each other, I’ve nevrt felt intensity like it. If we broke up I would defintley try to find that instant attraction again. It was like a ‘I need him’

Just to clarify we knew each other a year we didn’t flirt or do anything behind anyone backs and only admitted our mutual ‘lust’ after wed been single for 6 months. I knew from the moment I saw him though that there was something very specific about him

Tunnocks34 · 07/06/2019 22:03

Yep. DH and I were best friends for a long time before getting together, never in that time did I ever look at him and think ‘phwoar’

SerenDippitty · 07/06/2019 22:07

Yes, been married 30 years.

Tunnocks34 · 07/06/2019 22:07

I must say though, I wasn’t not attracted to him. When we met, we were both in relationships and it just was one of those where we were both at the time, happy with our current partners and do attraction to each other was never something we considered. I remember as I was falling in love with him, having fleeting moments that because increasingly more common where I’d be like ‘god has he always been this good looking?’ And now when I look at him, I think he’s gorgeous. He’s funny, kind, considerate, an amazing dad and husband which only makes me fancy him more!

heartshapedpositnotes · 07/06/2019 22:08

DarkPassenger, your relationship is true goals! I know one couple like you, who have two children. They went on a joint couples (all happy couples) and children holiday. They, in comparison to all the others were having sex every morning, still touching and cuddling all the time despite youngsters around them. It's seems like such a rare thing, good for you and congratulations!

MsScribbles · 07/06/2019 22:13

These stories are lovely.
Also- I can’t help but think of Bernard and Lydia in Four Weddings.

Walnutwhipster · 07/06/2019 22:18

I knew DH as a friend of my best friend's brothers for five years before we started dating. When I first met him I thought he was a bit of a wanker, definitely didn't fancy him. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next year.

Tinyteatime · 07/06/2019 22:23

Yes definitely. I met my DH when we were teens. He fancied me but he was quite geeky and I definitely didnt fancy him.

Are you me? I didn’t even look at my now dh in that way until someone told me he fancied me and then I sort of thought about it...and realised behind the awful haircut he was the most beautiful man I’d even seen. We’re still together 15 years on and he’s even more beautiful now.

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