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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you fell in love with someone you didn’t instantly fancy?

75 replies

Somethingsosimple · 07/06/2019 12:34

I’ve had a succession of rubbish relationships in the past where although I was initially very attracted to them I realised that they weren’t particularly great partners. I have now met someone through a friend who is incredibly funny and warm and friendly but doesn’t instantly give me butterflies. We get on so well and we do flirt with other each other and I love spending time with each other. In the past I have always believed there has to be that initial stage where you can’t keep your hands off each other but wonder if a relationship can grow without this. I would love to hear from people who can tell me that it can.

OP posts:

Ninkaninus · 07/06/2019 12:37

Yes it can. I mean you need to fancy them of course, but it doesn’t have to be intense physical lust and chemistry right from the beginning. And especially if your track record hasn’t been great it can be really good to give the slow burn a chance.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/06/2019 12:37

Yes!! I have found relationships that start as lust have no legs, for me I need to build a friendship first and I think the more you get to know them and like them, the more attractive they become. I knew one guy for years, never fancied him in the slightest, then we started chatting, became more and more connected and in the end when I looked at him I thought he was the most beautiful man ever.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 07/06/2019 12:40

Yes

FilthyforFirth · 07/06/2019 12:40

Yes definitely. I met my DH when we were teens. He fancied me but he was quite geeky and I definitely didnt fancy him. The connection between us was undeniable looking back now. We connected later in life and I kick myself for all those wasted years.

I really fancy him now and he looks largely the same! I would definitely perservere with someone who you like but dont initially have 'sparks' with.

cosmicdoughnut · 07/06/2019 12:41

Yes, several times.

PoptartPoptart · 07/06/2019 12:42

I agree with BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack above.
There is so much more to a relationship than the initial rush of lust (which never lasts long term anyway). Of course you have to find them physically attractive, but imo that develops as you get to know each other.

Giraffeinabox · 07/06/2019 12:48

100% yes. My marriage started fro.me being a very sober 17 year old being approach by a very drunk 25 year old who wasnt sure of his age and kept telling me id been on his radar for ages. I even tweeted about this 'creepy guy' who kept approaching me. Weve been together 6 years, married 3 and an 8 month old ds. Dh is ace (if a bit of a lazy knob at times!) And i love him more than ever... he still gives me butterflys now but didnt for about 6 months. He was also really funny hense the continued contact!

TheGoogleMum · 07/06/2019 12:52

Yes I knew DH for a year before getting together and we didn't pay each other much interest. Once we started finding out how much we had in common and got on well we started to like each other. His looks aren't what I would have considered my type but since falling in love with him I think he's very attractive. We still had a can't keep hands off each other phase though (young love!)

LadyVox · 07/06/2019 12:59

Definitely! My ex gave me that instant spark the second I laid eyes on him, and it wore off into the most boring relationship in history.

When I first met my husband I felt nothing, we became friends over months, still nothing, although I knew he liked me. One day I looked across at him and it hit me like a bolt of lightening- he was the most attractive man I had ever met.

6 years on and I genuinely feel the same about him as I did our first week of dating. He makes me giggly and gives me butterflies, I can’t wait to get home and see him and our favourite thing to do is just sit and talk. It’s the kind of relationship I didn’t think existed and I can’t believe I found it! And all this after being largely indifferent for the first year I knew him.

So to sum up- go for it!

Nickname1234567 · 07/06/2019 13:06

Yes, i didnt find my OH attractive but he had a fantastic personality and made me laugh, still together after 8 years.

Snugglepiggy · 07/06/2019 13:10

Absolutely.A very slow burn with my DH.We knew each other on and off for several years as friends in a big group before suddenly almost overnight I realised the nicest man I'd ever known was right under my nose.I had spent 2 miserable years trying to convince myself the relationship with the more conventionally good looking and 'catch' of a boyfriend was right.The penny dropped.I finished with him and DH swooped in and his sister told me on our wedding day he had fancied me from the start and patiently waited.Lucky me.Turns out a sense of humour and kindness are far more attractive.Still feel the same 30 plus years later.

Jsmith99 · 07/06/2019 13:14

Yes, definitely. Instant physical attraction is great for a one-night-stand, but as a method of choosing a life parter, it’s seriously overrated.

My relationship with DP evolved out of friendship, not lust. We were good mates for years before we got together. 20 very happy years later, we’re still together.

Gin96 · 07/06/2019 13:14

Yes, never really fancied my husband at the beginning, we’ve been together 30 years, I fancy the pants of him now 😊 because he is such a lovely, kind person, I don’t know where I would be without him

FooFighter99 · 07/06/2019 13:21

Definitley!

DH was not my type at all (shorter then me and blonde) and I really wasn't sure I fancied him in the beginning...

We've been togther 12 years this year, married 8 and have a wonderful DD togehter

He is my soulmate and we are perfect for each other

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 07/06/2019 13:25

Yes. Started as friends with a shared interest. Went out for the day together to spectate at a relevant event related to that interest. I can remember telling a friend a couple of days beforehand that I was going out for the day with X but I didn't fancy him.

Ended the day snogging the face of him, and now we've been married over twenty years. I love the very bones of him.

mistermagpie · 07/06/2019 13:29

Me and my DH were friends before we got together (genuinely just friends, not flirty 'going to definitely end up together' friends) and I never really considered him attractive. He isn't conventionally good looking, that's just a fact.

But all of a sudden there was chemistry there and I started to actually fancy him loads and I still do. He still isn't conventionally good looking, but the spark is definitely there and we have a great relationship and are really compatible in bed as well.

It can happen. Every relationship I've had based on lust just fizzled out. Give it a chance, youve nothing to lose!

RiddleyW · 07/06/2019 13:31

It's lucky for ugly people (like me) that this can happen!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/06/2019 13:38

I've never fancied anyone believe it or not. Not even as teenager.
I know I'm not asexual as I do enjoy sex and its certainly not something I do just to keep dp happy.

I enjoy dps company.
Probably because we're not together all the time. However I wouldn't go as far as to say "I'm in love with him".

I certainly don't melt and weak at the knees whenever he walks in the room.

However surely being in love with someone goes a lot deeper that fancying them.

NannyRed · 07/06/2019 13:40

Yes.
My husband, I love him, but didn’t even fancy him when I first met him.
Message me if you want to chat.

juls1888 · 07/06/2019 13:41

Yes, I just wanted to be friends with my DH then started to realise I actually liked him more and more until we got together. Been together 16 years, married 10 and he still gives me butterflies when I look at him

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 07/06/2019 13:43

Yep all my best relationships were ones I where I thought “you seem nice” and then love/attraction grew (caveat I still thought they were objectively handsome / attractive but was not weak at the knees with lust at first sighting)

The ones I immediately fancied were all total car crashes

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 07/06/2019 13:44

I didn’t fancy my DH at all the first time I met him. He asked me out and I made some vague excuses. The next day i thought about it and regretted it as he seemed nice. The next time our paths crossed he asked again and I said yes. We had a great first date but I clearly remember thinking he was a bit odd looking.

At some point, quite quickly something changed. We were married within a year and I thought he was the handsomest man I’d ever seen. We are coming up to 35 years married now.

Limpshade · 07/06/2019 13:45

Yes - my DH! And the feeling was mutual, apparently. We're still together coming up 14 years.

MancaroniCheese · 07/06/2019 13:46

OMG yes. When I met DP I felt it was too soon for me to get romantically involved having come out of a long marriage, but really really liked him so thought I would give it a go and see how things went.

Several years on I fancy him so so so much - he is not your typical sex God by any means - he describes himself as short, fat, bald and wrinkly - just so you don't think I am being unkind, but my God I desire him so bloody much and can't keep my hands off him.

Give it a go - what is the worse thing that can happen?

nornironrock · 07/06/2019 13:50

Yes yes yes!

We just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.

My wife thought I was an idiot when we first met.

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