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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you fell in love with someone you didn’t instantly fancy?

75 replies

Somethingsosimple · 07/06/2019 12:34

I’ve had a succession of rubbish relationships in the past where although I was initially very attracted to them I realised that they weren’t particularly great partners. I have now met someone through a friend who is incredibly funny and warm and friendly but doesn’t instantly give me butterflies. We get on so well and we do flirt with other each other and I love spending time with each other. In the past I have always believed there has to be that initial stage where you can’t keep your hands off each other but wonder if a relationship can grow without this. I would love to hear from people who can tell me that it can.

OP posts:

MinesaPinot · 07/06/2019 13:53

Absolutely. My 'type' was always big, rock-god blokes (probably why I'm still in love lust with Dave Grohl) and DH is nothing like that, but he's the kindest, most loving bloke I've ever met. There's no side to him, and he always tries to see the good in people whereas I can be instantly judgemental. My friends and family adore him, and my divorced boss says that him and me restore her faith in marriage. (If you all want to get the sick bucket now feel free!).

But I didn't fancy him at all when we first met.

starray · 07/06/2019 13:55

I noticed that it is mostly women who are talking about love and attraction grows. Unfortunately, I don't think it happens the same way with me. If they don't fancy you physically from the beginning, they never will.

starray · 07/06/2019 13:56

Lots of typos in last post, don't know how to edit, so reposting. Basically, I noticed that it is mostly women who are talking about how love and attraction grows. Unfortunately, I don't think it happens the same way with men. If they don't fancy you physically from the beginning, they never will.

Loubylou79 · 07/06/2019 13:59

Yes definitely . Remember looks fade!

SingingSands · 07/06/2019 13:59

Yes.

I married him.

ConkerGame · 07/06/2019 14:00

Yes, this happened to me. When I first met DP I was single and “on the lookout” so to speak. We had a nice chat but I actually thought to myself “nice guy, shame he’s not attractive!” Someone asked later if I’d consider going on a date with him and my immediate reaction was “no way, I just don’t fancy him”.

Spending more time with him in a group of friends context allowed me to see him for what he really is - the perfect man for me!

FrogsAreMean · 07/06/2019 14:15

I'm only one page down but loving reading the posts about these amazing relationships. You are so lucky.

WMPAGL · 07/06/2019 14:17

Yes! Far and away the best relationship I've ever had and still going strong. He's gorgeous (objectively and because I'm biased!) and only gets more so because of what a great, loving person he is.

I think I just wasn't 'looking' at him for the first year we knew each other because he was already taken and was just my good friend.

The immediate lust with someone is great fun but, in my experience, says absolutely nothing about your actual compatibility.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 07/06/2019 14:24

Yep! Quite freely admit I'd have walked past my DP in the street without giving him a second glance. We got to know each other as friends, as many PPs have said, and we just clicked.

Now, a few years later, I look at him across a room, and I just melt. And even as I'm trying to objectively think 'your nose is too big, your head's a strange shape, your eyes are too small, your ears are weird' I can't help myself thinking 'you are the most handsome man I have ever seen, because I love you'.

I'm fairly sure he'd say he didn't find me physically attractive at all when we first met, either. Short, overweight, unfortunate face, and the absolute opposite of every partner he'd ever had previously. But we fancy the arse off each other now, because we have this connection.

Having a crush on someone is very different to falling in love with them

VampirateQueen · 07/06/2019 14:51

I met his guy and thought he was a real weirdo, about a year layer met him again and we became friends, over several months, then started dating, 12 years later we are married with 2 kids.

highlighta · 07/06/2019 15:11

Yes for sure. I think the bond with someone is more important than the initial physical attraction.

This happened with my DP. I just felt so safe with him, from day 1. We were in a crowd and I kept venturing over to where he was. It was a comfy place to be in hindsight, I am not that good with crowds. I didn't find him physically attractive at all when we first met. He is much sexier to me now that he was the day I met him.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 07/06/2019 15:17

Yes. I thought dh was sweet but a total nerd and I wasn't attracted to him at all when we first met. We became friends, he helped support me through something hugely traumatic and it went from there. We've been together 20 years this year.

HollySniffs · 07/06/2019 15:24

No never.

That's not to say that every initial physical attraction worked out. But the ones that did end up being a relationship, I wanted them physically from the off, yes. It didn't have to be just be based on their looks either, their demeanour, voice, the way they talked to me, body language. It's hard to separate it all but I've always known pretty much immediately.

ChodeofChodeHall · 07/06/2019 15:29

@nornironrock - same here! Maybe I am your wife

I only started fancying him after about 6 months of knowing him. I only seem to fancy people I know and like, not handsome strangers.

missmoz · 07/06/2019 15:31

Definitely think people become more attractive as you get to know them, find them funny and interesting etc.

Unfortunately for me I've never fallen in love with someone I haven't initially really fancied. At least when they're driving you up the wall a few years in you have those memories!

Julietee · 07/06/2019 15:33

Yes, I think attraction grows and deepens with time.

Cosmos45 · 07/06/2019 15:37

Yes! My husband.. I didn't think much of him looks wise when I met him and I am sure he didn't fall head over heels in love with me either. But as time grew and I realised what a lovely person he was he grew more and more handsome in my eyes. I think he's a beautiful specimen of a human being now!

peachgreen · 07/06/2019 15:40

When I met my DH "fancying him" didn't really come into the equation. He was just... right. I wanted him (and continue to want him) because I love him so much. I'd feel the same if he looked completely different.

AzraiL · 07/06/2019 15:43

I'm one of those people that can't develop an attraction for and fall in love with someone unless I've gotten to know them and I really like and respect them as a person and friend first. It's literally impossible for me otherwise. So I can only literally do it the way you described - no attraction, cautious friendship, close friendship, then attraction and love and commitment. I can't even fantasize about sexy encounters with celebrities because I don't know them and I've already chosen my person! It makes me feel ill. I've been married now for 12 years and cannot imagine myself with anyone else.

MotherOfDragons90 · 07/06/2019 15:46

Yep! I was just coming out of a really tough relationship when I met my DH. We worked together and I didn’t fancy him in the slightest but he was an incredible friend to me through it all and we built up this really great friendship. He confessed he had feelings first, and I surprised myself by wanting to give it a go even though I’d never considered it before. We went out, had a snog and have been inseparable since!

Now we are married I think he’s the most beaut thing ever and he’s still my best pal.

If you like spending time with this guy absolutely go for it.

Ninkaninus · 07/06/2019 15:49

There are various levels to attraction. I absolutely will not be seriously attracted to anyone who doesn’t excite me intellectually, so while I might fancy someone in a vague sense they really will not do anything for me if physical looks is all they’ve got. The thing I first noticed about my OH was his fierce intelligence - I knew straightaway that this was a man I wanted to get to know. But sex and sexual intensity is also very important to me, so I can’t really do one without the other. But, if I really am interested in a man’s mind, I will also find him interesting physically. It’s an interesting thing, attraction.

Bujinkhal · 07/06/2019 15:55

@starray I'm a man that didn't fancy his wife when we first met. We went to school together and became great friends but never anything more. (She didn't fancy me either) We lost touch in our late teens and then reconnected in our late twenties. When we met up again we got on well as always but still didn't fancy each other. Over the months of getting to know each other again, an attraction grew.

I find her incredibly attractive now and my love for her is much deeper than anything I've had before. We were terrified of ruining our friendship but in the end lust won out.

When we talk about it, the signs were there when we were younger but we didn't really recognise them as such.

hidinginthenightgarden · 07/06/2019 15:56

I wasn't massively attracted to DH in a physical way. He showed an interest at a time when I was wanting to just go on dates and not make any commitments.
He was so nice and so different to any other arsehole guy I had been with. I fell for him in a very different way to any other guy I had met.

BoudicasBoudoir · 07/06/2019 16:03

I didn’t like my husband when I first met him. And I didn’t fancy him, either. It took about 18 months of meeting most days before I realised that I did.

Triskaidekaphilia · 07/06/2019 16:05

DH and I met and became friends when I was with my ex. I guess I knew in the back of my mind he was attractive but wasn't remotely attracted to him, but we got on well. I developed feelings for him about 3 years later (18 months after splitting with my ex) when he helped me through a very difficult time emotionally as well as generally texting each other a lot. We did have the can't keep our hands off each other phase once we got together though!

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