Am I being paranoid about mil/ what is her motive?

[NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken]

I have mentioned my Mils behaviour on here before. She is very involved in her children's lives and tries to control everything/ have a say in everything from making sure dh sends a card and present for every family member in the family (even her ex husband and ex Sil) to telling dh not to try for a baby with me, how much to spend on my engagement ring, how much to donate at our sons christening etc. Lots of emotional blackmail, attempts at bribary etc if we don't do what she wants. I have another very long thread about it all.

Now she is trying to get dh to get another job/ career. First she got her husband (step fil) to have a private word with dh telling him he needs a better job to support his family more (dh has a fairly good job that requires a PhD and we are not struggling to pay the mortgage and bills etc. We can afford for me to be a sahm which my Mil hates, she says I should just work even though most of my salary would go to nursery. She then tried to bribe my husband by saying she would pay for part of nursary). She has sent him links to a few jobs now. The jobs don't even pay as well as his current job and don't use all of his qualifications. The jobs are in different cities, both about 160 miles away and one is in a more expensive city so we would definitely end up worse financially, plus the cost and stress of selling and moving house. They are not even closer to where Mil lives either. I can't see any advantage to my dh taking these jobs.

I don't want to sound paranoid, maybe it is but I think it is because the jobs are in cities that are alot further from my parents. Instead of it being an hour drive away it would be a 3 to 4 hour plus drive away. My parents visit every 2 weeks and help out alot. My son loves spending time with them and gives them a big smile when they arrive. Mil rarely visits and prefers us to go to her (on her own turf she can boss us around and treat us like children). She has just retired early so maybe it will be more now. She didn't visit for months once because we wouldn't let her visit one specific weekend because I was very ill with a mastitis infection (could barely get out of bed). We said she could visit any other time when I was better but because we said no to that weekend we were preventing her from seeing her grandchild and she decided not to visit for months (she instead sent lots of passive aggressive texts and texts blaming dh for the smallest thing to dh instead).

What do you think her motive could be? Thanks for any replies

What does your DH say about all this? What's his reaction to the job thing?

Oh my god i reckon youre probably right about hindering your parents relationship.
You need to tell your husband to tell his mom that he is happy the way things are and hes not going to change jobs...

Surely if the job is for less money and would involve moving you all somewhere too far away, it's not even a feasible idea?

SURELY he can just say to his DM 'thanks but no thanks.' Is he happy in his current job? Is there any reason why she's looking?

My DM goes through phases of looking for jobs for by DB because he always goes on about how much he hates it there, and he's also useless and does nothing for himself. But he wouldn't even apply to, let alone take a job which would cause so much upheaval for no real reason...

You also need to just laugh when ots suggested "oh yeah like we would move city and change jobs and go to work on your whim mil! Youre so funny!"

And link previous thread im intrigued

HelloBrass he is a bit annoyed by it but alot of the time with his mum he either isn't bothered or has the attitude ow well that's just how she is

No advice, but she sounds mental...
Presumably your DH isn’t even considering applying for any of these?

I think your DH needs to start shutting her down completely. He's a grown man with a PhD he doesn't need his mother's career advice. If she sends him emails with links to jobs that email needs to go right in the bin.

Fakenametodayhey
I think her wanting to hinder the relationship between my parents and my son is her motive and that is just awful. Who tries to do that and I want to know if I'm being paranoid or she actually is that awful.

my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3454335-Mil-Is-this-normal-behaviour-or-interfering-controlling
Not sure how to link another thread properly

Your DH needs to tell his mother to mind her own bloody business.

Thanks dm but I am happy with the job I have.
Repeat as necessary.
Do not engage with her at all if you don't want to op. My mil never had my mobile number!!

Probably is no motive as such at all, just more interfering, more areas for her to assert her control ( ie meddle) over her children, more time on her hand to waste on these matters, you're possibly reading too much into her nonsense, she just has her ideas, namely your dh should be seem to be progressing career wise through job moves, you should be working too , why because she did , no other reason its just what she thinks , and you both think otherwise. O f course your dh needs to reply with why take a job with less money? we move to x you'd never see gc. Or maybe imply that you think its a lovely idea to move to x city, you've always wanted to but too pricy for property but your parents could be moving too!! personally I operate on a mind games work both ways

MaMaMaMySharona I think the motive is to hinder the relationship my parents have with my son. I told my parents this and they also think that is the reason. I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid because that is quite an awful thing to do

Dh likes his job/ career and the job she wants would be a step down in terms of career progression I think and would not even use all his qualifications

I think I would suggest DH tells her in a polite firm way that you have no interest in relocating, or even changing jobs and for her to stop suggesting that you do.
It needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets totally out of control!

It really sounds like she is attempting to sabotage your life.

I agree with other posters. I would eye roll and treat with quiet disdain, so all her ideas seem to be quite barmy, thereby minimising her influence.

Head tilt: "But that makes no sense MIL.Why on earth would we do that?"

A loud 'NO' on repeat should shut her up. Or stop visiting her, I would not let anyone interfere with my home life like that.

Does she think the new job is more prestigious? Maybe she wants to boast about him to her friends?

You can't get in some one else s head
You can smile wave and ignore.or a short"thanks for sharing your ideas" non committal.

She can't force you to do anything

As long as DH isn’t considering any move/change of career I think I’d let it go. Let her try all she wants, show her you’re a strong couple and you make joined decisions not based off opinions from her. A simple ‘thanks for trying to help but we don’t need it thank you’ and try and cut down contact as much as possible. If she is trying to interfere with your parents it shows jealousy and she may feel threatened by their relationship with you all. There is nothing she can do, she knows she’s powerless so she’s trying to cause confusion and arguments by suggesting new jobs to take back control. Ignore it for your own sanity. My ex MIL was like her, because she couldn’t control me like SIL she was forever putting ideas in exH head to make us fall out.

I would upset the apple cart totally OP ...what do you have to loose? Tell her to keep her nose out of your marriage..end of.If the worst does happen and she takes the hump then win win you get peace and quiet...sod her and her ideas....and tell dh too that you have heard enough over the years and you dont want to know anymore about her next loony ideas....

You need to buy 2 books by Susan Forward.
Toxic Inlaws for you, Toxic Parents for your DH.
Seriously.

I think I would just keep saying things to piss her off so that she decides not to visit for months and ignore all the passive-aggressive shit
Job done 😂👍

As usual, it's really a DH problem.

You need to sit down with him and explain that he might be able to shrug it off, but you can't - because essentially she's trying to drive a wedge and the loser in it is intended to be YOU.

You need to explain, very simply, that he does need to change how he deals with her enough to block these situations, OR in the long run your marriage will suffer, and in addition, MIL's relationship with all of you will also suffer as you will grow to dislike her too much to maintain good relations... and you don't want that to happen.

It's a good thing for MIL too, in other words, if this kind of behaviour is nipped.

It doesn't have to be confrontational. You need to come up with 'An Approach' which neutralises her. An agreement that he has a phrase - 'Mum can you stop making 'big suggestions' like this? It's inappropriate and shows how little you know about how our lives work and what we want for the future. Of course I wouldn't be interested in jobs like that/ of course we want one of us home with the children full time at the moment/ of course we don't want to make a big move right now'.

And secondly agree with him that she gets the bare minimum of information on your lives. She can't interfere as much if she doesn't know what's going on. Why did she even know he was planning on getting an engagement ring, for example? And any hint of butting in on your relationship should absolutely be met with 'That is really none of your business, butt out'. At the end of the day, if he's someone who can brush off his mother being so breathtakingly rude and inappropriate to tell him not to try for a baby with his partner, then there needs to be a conversation. He should have given her a roasting for that which would have meant that she wouldn't have dared open her mouth about rings or christenings.

So - boundaries and distance. And then, when the sulks and manipulation starts, you give it back tenfold - YOU tell her well good we are glad you aren't coming over because to be honest we still feel very annoyed at what you did/said last week, etc. Don't ever let her play the martyr when it's SHE that's caused the issue.

What does your DH do when she sends him these job adverts? Does he thank her or does he say 'I'm not looking for another job'?

It does not matter what her motives are, as long as you and your DH are on the same page, what your Mil does is irrelevant.

If this was me i would be having words with her myself and make sure she knows she needs to mind her own business.