Am I being paranoid about mil/ what is her motive?

[NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken]

I have mentioned my Mils behaviour on here before. She is very involved in her children's lives and tries to control everything/ have a say in everything from making sure dh sends a card and present for every family member in the family (even her ex husband and ex Sil) to telling dh not to try for a baby with me, how much to spend on my engagement ring, how much to donate at our sons christening etc. Lots of emotional blackmail, attempts at bribary etc if we don't do what she wants. I have another very long thread about it all.

Now she is trying to get dh to get another job/ career. First she got her husband (step fil) to have a private word with dh telling him he needs a better job to support his family more (dh has a fairly good job that requires a PhD and we are not struggling to pay the mortgage and bills etc. We can afford for me to be a sahm which my Mil hates, she says I should just work even though most of my salary would go to nursery. She then tried to bribe my husband by saying she would pay for part of nursary). She has sent him links to a few jobs now. The jobs don't even pay as well as his current job and don't use all of his qualifications. The jobs are in different cities, both about 160 miles away and one is in a more expensive city so we would definitely end up worse financially, plus the cost and stress of selling and moving house. They are not even closer to where Mil lives either. I can't see any advantage to my dh taking these jobs.

I don't want to sound paranoid, maybe it is but I think it is because the jobs are in cities that are alot further from my parents. Instead of it being an hour drive away it would be a 3 to 4 hour plus drive away. My parents visit every 2 weeks and help out alot. My son loves spending time with them and gives them a big smile when they arrive. Mil rarely visits and prefers us to go to her (on her own turf she can boss us around and treat us like children). She has just retired early so maybe it will be more now. She didn't visit for months once because we wouldn't let her visit one specific weekend because I was very ill with a mastitis infection (could barely get out of bed). We said she could visit any other time when I was better but because we said no to that weekend we were preventing her from seeing her grandchild and she decided not to visit for months (she instead sent lots of passive aggressive texts and texts blaming dh for the smallest thing to dh instead).

What do you think her motive could be? Thanks for any replies

Maybe ask her? Use as few words as possible, eg, "Why do you think dh should move jobs, mil?"

Agree, your DH needs to either ignore the links or tell her it’s not needed as he already has a job that is right for him and his family. His family being the person he married and their child.

Or if he doesn’t want to rock the boat then just - thanks for the information Mum- and then ignore.

How far away do your parents live? I’d have a bit of fun by thanking her very much for looking up the jobs, as that’s given you a great idea. While she’s at it, has she seen any in (insert parent’s area). 😉 That’ll put the wind up her.

You will never know her true agenda. But as she has retired early and has time on her hands, for every job vacancy she sends, I would send - 'more spare time on your hands MIL, have you thought about bowls and link the local bowling club, 'you need to get out more MIL have you seen the local amateur dramatics group and link information'. 'To save you getting bored MIL what about joining a rock choir and meeting new people again link information'
'This looks like a great hobby MIL what about an over 60s exercise class'

For every suggestion she sends you, ignore but send one back in return.

The problem contains its own solution, her way of punishing you is ignoring you and that's exactly what you want 😊👍she will soon disappear up her own arse🤭

You'd be surprised at how competitive PILs can be. My MIL would likely try and do something like this too - if she thought it would work.

I think it stems from not wanting the maternal side of the family to have a monopoly on the GC , which typically happens since the GC are largely with the mother and the mother is more likely to want to spend time with her own mother

I have controlling parents myself so I suspect it's because they feel the job is the sort of job that DH ought to have, or for a company that they feel he ought to work for. Do they know the ins and outs of your finances? (If they do - stop telling them NOW) They may not realise it will actually leave you worse off - and the fact they've had a word to your DH to get a better job also suggests this.

I doubt very much it is to stop your DS seeing your parents - because if they wanted this the first stop would be them complaining that your parents saw DS so much more and how unfair this was. Again - if you're telling them how often you see your parents, then don't. With controlling parents, the best way to handle them is to give them as little ammunition as possible.

The not seeing you because of a perceived slight is also classic - in their mind you are desperately upset about this, so they are prepared to inconvenience themselves to achieve this. My parents have just pulled a similar stunt with my sibling - the only ones losing out are my parents who are not seeing the beloved DGD, and my sibling couldn't care less.

She wants you working OP so that she can mind the baby. I do not believe that she would actually pay part of the nursery fees.
The jobs further away? Perhaps she's hoping that DH will move, you and DS will stay put, leading to marriage breakdown?
I can think of one REALLY big advantage to moving away!!
Why don't you have a bit of fun and pretend that you are thinking of to emigrating to Australia/ NZ and could she find some jobs for DH down there?
Be careful what you wish for, MIL!

But if your DH has no intention of leaving his job then does it really matter? Let her send her weird emails, and he can ignore them - which it sounds like he is already doing?

OMG she sounds a nightmare OP! I thought my MIL was bad. She actually sounds like she may have a mild form of narcissist personality disorder??! It's really not normal to try and have that level of control in an adults life, or to act like such a spoilt brat when she doesn't get her own way! Does she have a sense of self importance? Eg always make the conversation about her? Violates boundaries? Portray a very carefully constructed false image of herself? Come across as falsely nice to strangers or people outside of the family unit? She seems to be very keen on projecting this weird image to ppl with the cards etc? If so, unfortunately there is very little you can do to change her I'm sorry you are going through this! Sorry to go all physco babble, I'm training to be a psychologist lol

She wants you working OP so that she can mind the baby. I do not believe that she would actually pay part of the nursery fees.

I suspect that's not the case. If she pays part of the nursery fees she can boast to all her friends about how helpful she is to her son and DIL. And of course she can then hold it over them forever.

I doubt very much she does want to look after the baby, because that would require actual effort on her part. She will probably tell her friends that of course she would have looked after the baby but her DS and DIL were adamant they wanted nursery and she is being an absolute saint by paying some of the fees.

(ok, I may be projecting based on my own experiences)

OP - you have said the jobs would be a step down in career, but is your DH actually considering it?

MIL wants him to step down so there isn't as much money coming in which will force you back to work, with the aim of her paying nursery fees..... which she'll then hold over you forever. She can then threaten to stop paying if you don't do what she wants

It sounds like DH is happy to "smile and wave" and just ignore her. I think you should do the same.

Distance yourself from her. Never initiate contact. If she calls the home phone, ignore it and let her leave a message.

If you do have to see or speak to her, then don't be afraid to say "I don't know why you keep trying to persuade DH to change his job when he isn't remotely interested in your suggestions MIL" Then change the subject/wander off.

If she takes offence and cuts contact again - yippee!

How do you avoid the temptation to look at her intently whilst stroking your chin as if you are psychoanalysing her or looking at a bug down a microscope. Then let out a little laugh and turn away.
Seriously she sounds batshit and very interesting to a psychology student! I have a relative like this. She is filled to the brim with schemes, malice and lies. The efforts she goes to engineer rifts and drive wedges is an art and a science all of it's own. How these people find the energy for this is a mystery but it's part of their personality I guess. This relative loves drama. Absolutely loves it and that is what her motives are basically.

A good way of distancing yourself is to avoid real-time communication if someone calls you never ever pick up if they leave a message reply to the message a day later by text or email, and don't reply with any kind of a 'sorry I missed your call' write the reply as if you are replying to a message, it must not sound like an apology for missing their call.

Stop giving this woman any head space

Your husband sounds sensible and is ignoring her (probably used to it!)

No need for you to get involved

AnnieMay100 I think your right, she is trying to cause us to argue. Its the only thing we argue about/ the only problem in our marriage. She would probably like it if we got divorced because I don't do what she wants.

FizzyGreenWater I wish dh would stop telling her all the information and set boundaries. I have started going low contact with her

LiverpoolVictoria so far it's been via texts and emails, except the step fil bit. He doesn't reply to the texts or emails about the jobs. No doubt she will start calling him about it because she just retired last Friday and will have lots of spare time to meddle now

Not sure if it's best to tell her to back off or is that a bad idea?

S1naidSucks parents live about 60 miles away. Mil about 60-70 miles also.

KC225 she probably still wouldn't get the message if we gave her suggestions about her free time and she will continue on as normal.

Jbonesmumma1
Does she have a sense of self importance? Yes
Violates boundaries? Yes
Portray a very carefully constructed false image of herself? Yes
Come across as falsely nice to strangers or people outside of the family unit? Yes
I think your right she might have some sort of narcassitic personality disorder

Could be to make you more isolated and more reliant on her if you move very far and earn less so she can be lady bountiful and control you by ‘gifting’ money to you if you do as she says.

Also she then has a point about you going out to work as your DH earns less in a more expensive city you need a double income.

She thinks your both stupid and will happily give up what’s working we’ll for you and follow her demands.

If your DH ignores her, leave it. Turn it into a joke between you both, your mum has batshit ideas doesn’t she type thing.

And definitely go low contact and keep your DC away from her as much as possible. Leave all contact down to your DH. IME most of the time men cannot be bothered.

Start having fun with it. When you speak to her, contradict what DH has likely said to her. Make up plausible stuff and then when DH asks what you said to his mother, deny it. Give her some back. Have some leaflets lying around about emigrating to Canada or Oz if she's coming around and will likely see them but again, if DH mentions it, deny it so she looks like the crazy. Have details of houses for sale near your family or in North Wales or Scotland. Let on that an ex boss of yours has headhunted you for a job in Thailand. Mess with her melon until she disappears up her own arse.

She could be jealous of the bond my parents have. She was obbsessed with trying to get me to stop breastfeeding. She asked my DH every day if I was still bf, tried to bribe dh with a prep machine. She started negatively talking about bf months before dh was born. She barged into my room when I was trying to establish bf and said its too difficult I should just not do it anymore

If you want to mess with her head and get your own back for all the hassle she's caused you she is very very low hanging fruit

Sometimes the words fuck and off and then the actions of blocking are useful to use when dealing with toxic people.

She will not change

She will continue with her behaviour

She feels entitled to treat others like shit.

You however can limit your her communication towards you.

FizzyGreenWater I wish dh would stop telling her all the information and set boundaries. I have started going low contact with her

No, you need to not 'wish', but tell him that he NEEDS to do so or it is going to start causing big, BIG problems... for HIM.

That's the way he needs to understand it.

'DH the choice seems to be that you either stop telling her details and we come up with a way to minimise this stuff and shut her down, or it continues and I end up falling out with her and not willing to have her be a part of my life. That will have huge negative impacts on all of us, but probably mostly MIL. I don't want that to happen. Add on to that that if this goes on much longer then I will eventually come to believe that indulging your mother is more important to you than sticking up for me and having some pride in the fact that we are an independent adult team. That's not exactly a recipe for happiness either. One thing that won't happen is me ignoring feeling undermined and attacked for the sake of a 'quiet life'. It's not quiet to me. It's unpleasant and I'm beginning to not want her to be close to the children which is a shame.'