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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teen doesn't deserve to go to camp but if they don't go I won't get a break from them!

96 replies

Campgate · 07/06/2019 08:28

I'm a single Mum to a previously lovely but at the moment not so lovely 16 year old who has some SEN. I've said about the Sen so as not to drip feed. It's not relevant to her behaviour at the moment imo.

Teen DD is due on camp tomorrow and is very much looking forward to it. However their behaviour this week has been quite frankly rubbish.

Completely ignoring me , saying she doesn't have to listen to me, I can't tell her what to do, saying okay in a sarcastic voice when I speak to her, waiting until I've gone to bed and then getting up messing about half of the night.
She won't lift a finger in the house, she's leaving food everywhere, she won't help me despite the fact I have some medical issues going on. She's just been horrible tbh.

We have some discipline in place but honestly she really doesn't deserve to go.
The downside however is that is she doesn't go then I literally have no break from her. I am on my own with her apart from school and work and 24/7 in the holidays and I get no break.
I have a lovely time planned for myself with the cinema booked tomorrow night to see Take That at the cinema and some time to myself and if she doesn't go I lose out too as she is not capable of being left home alone normally never mind when she is in a mood.

Wibu to let her go for my own benefit even though she doesn't deserve to?

OP posts:

Notabedofroses · 07/06/2019 10:26

God send her. I have teens and it is very easy to feel completely burnt out.
This is not forever. For either of us.
It is a stage, and it shall pass like all the others.
Keep hugging her, keep telling her you love her even when she is vile. Keep biting back what you really feel like saying, enjoy some down time. Recharge. It’s her hormones not her say on repeat

SapatSea · 07/06/2019 10:27

Another vote for sending her. You need a breather from each other. She is trying to asser her independenc but going about it all wrong.

Enjoy the break x

AryaStarkWolf · 07/06/2019 10:59

jesus take your break woman, don't punish yourself along with her. You'll just have to think of another strategy for how to deal with her behaviour!

Deadringer · 07/06/2019 11:05

Absolutely send her, she may not not deserve it but you do! The only thing that worked with my DD at that age was taking her phone from her, she had to improve her behaviour to get it back. Enjoy your break.

Gorjus · 07/06/2019 12:37

Enjoy your freedom and the space in your head. Raising teens is like giving birth: a lengthy process, with some respite, but there's no avoiding it!

Teddybear45 · 07/06/2019 12:39

Send her but take the cost of picking / dropping her off and all housework from her allowance - - and keep doing this when she returns too

notsohippychick · 07/06/2019 12:41

I’d let her go, HOWEVER.....when she comes home tell her that she needs to be responsible for organising herself and the things she wants to take. Don’t do it all for her, get her to take responsibility.

At the same time sit her down and tell her you considered not letting her go due to her behaviour. When she gets back you expect things to change, outline what you expect of her and that consequences will be put in place if her behaviour is awful.

Enjoy the break!

BertrandRussell · 07/06/2019 12:43

Honestly- don’t send her off resentful. Send her off as happy as possible, hope she has a nice time then talk when she gets back. Don’t risk her being seething and miserable at camp, it’ll just make things worse.

cakeandchampagne · 07/06/2019 12:45

Send her to camp & enjoy your peaceful break.

1moremum · 07/06/2019 13:17

Letting her go because you need a break is valid. you aren't the first to do it and you won't be the last. what's more, the people at camp will demand the same sorts of behaviors she isn't giving you. eventually it will sink in that you aren't thinking up things to torture her, what you ask is exactly what all adults are expected to do. What's more, with the threat of going home over her head, she will clean up after herself, show them proper respect, etc and reap the rewards of approval. maybe she will come home with more awareness this time, or maybe next time.

sometimes with all teens but especially SN their treatment of us is worse than the treatment of others. my ASD child can be sweet as honey at school and monstrous as soon as we walk in the flat from all the stress of having held in his frustrations all day in front of teachers and peers. I'll love him anyway, others might not so I bear the brunt of it. He will learn to vent his frustrations differently as he grows, but at the moment, this is how it is.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 07/06/2019 14:39

You need a break from each other. Send her.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/06/2019 14:45

Keep the chat until she returns, Most of all enjoy every minute of your free time.
You'll both be rested for a good chat.

isthismylifenow · 07/06/2019 14:56

Enjoy your break OP. It will probably do you both good.

I too am a single mum with a 16 year old dd. They are bloody hard work and draining sometimes.

Do what you need to do to get some time for yourself.

And although I didn't quote, I agree with above poster who says just to start fresh when she gets back. I have found there is no point harping on about the same thing over and over. Ie attitude. I find it a lot of it as attention seeking, so I just ignore it now. If i dont then we both get upset after an argument about it. If I ignore it, I am calmer too. It after these times she will message me a little later to say shes sorry etc but if I pull her up on something it gets blown way out of proportion. So, yes, I ignore a lot for an easy life. It will pass. I have a 20 year old as well so I know it wont be like this forever.

Original poster

Campgate · 07/06/2019 15:25

'sweet as honey at school and monstrous as soon as we walk in the flat from all the stress of having held in his frustrations all day in front of teachers and peers. '

Can relate to this incredibly. It's been exhausting recently to be honest.

Just waiting for her to get home so I can pack her off again!

OP posts:

littlebillie · 07/06/2019 15:44

Let her go and have a break

megletthesecond · 07/06/2019 15:47

Send her. You both need a break from each other .

LinoleumBlownapart · 07/06/2019 15:48

I'd be tempted to tell her that her attitude is shoddy and you've decided to send her to camp because YOU deserve it!

ArloRoo01 · 07/06/2019 16:55

Definitely let her go. Sounds like you both need a break. You can discipline /consequence her when she returns.

theWarOnPeace · 07/06/2019 17:32

Let her go. Not just because you need the break, but because she doesn’t deserve to be punished IMO. She has dyspraxia, SPD and learning difficulties, plus is teenager - not known for their sweetness, helpfulness or genera decorum. She’s got a lot going on, and once you get a bit of distance and headspace you can gain your perspective again, plus not feel so stressed. Teenagers are mostly dicks, but coupled with Sen it’s a huge emotional battleground for them within themselves apart from anything you’re asking of them on top. It’s all so complex. I was a horror at 16, but don’t leave crap everywhere or have any sense of entitlement as an adult. Follow through at the time of asking/problems, particularly with Sen, this wider and more devastating punishment is too much. Don’t help with dinner, don’t get dinner, don’t go to bed, turn off WiFi and confiscate electronics. You both need her to go.

julensaor · 07/06/2019 23:37

@Justhadathought very good points

julensaor · 07/06/2019 23:38

sorry wrong thread!

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