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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teen doesn't deserve to go to camp but if they don't go I won't get a break from them!

96 replies

Campgate · 07/06/2019 08:28

I'm a single Mum to a previously lovely but at the moment not so lovely 16 year old who has some SEN. I've said about the Sen so as not to drip feed. It's not relevant to her behaviour at the moment imo.

Teen DD is due on camp tomorrow and is very much looking forward to it. However their behaviour this week has been quite frankly rubbish.

Completely ignoring me , saying she doesn't have to listen to me, I can't tell her what to do, saying okay in a sarcastic voice when I speak to her, waiting until I've gone to bed and then getting up messing about half of the night.
She won't lift a finger in the house, she's leaving food everywhere, she won't help me despite the fact I have some medical issues going on. She's just been horrible tbh.

We have some discipline in place but honestly she really doesn't deserve to go.
The downside however is that is she doesn't go then I literally have no break from her. I am on my own with her apart from school and work and 24/7 in the holidays and I get no break.
I have a lovely time planned for myself with the cinema booked tomorrow night to see Take That at the cinema and some time to myself and if she doesn't go I lose out too as she is not capable of being left home alone normally never mind when she is in a mood.

Wibu to let her go for my own benefit even though she doesn't deserve to?

OP posts:

OurChristmasMiracle · 07/06/2019 08:53

I think that maybe some time apart would do you both good. You definitely need the break. I would however look at other punishments.

butteredbarmbrack · 07/06/2019 08:54

Another vote for letting her go, but you could perhaps tell her you had seriously considered not due to the behaviour, and that a break from each other might be no bad thing. But you expect good behaviour from her on the camp and you'll need to have a talk when she's back.

That might help you enjoy the well deserved weekend plans without feeling you've copped out, too!

TatianaLarina · 07/06/2019 08:58

I’d be honest that you considered grounding her from camp but then you realised you’d be stuck with her being a pia. So you’re choosing alternative sanctions.

She probably won’t get away with behaving like that at camp which is a plus.

GreenTulips · 07/06/2019 08:58

Let her go!
She won’t behave the same during camp and will have to help out and turn lights off at a reasonable time - leaders will be telling them what to do for safety reasons etc

So all the things she’s moaning about will give her a wake up call at camp

She may even miss you and appreciate you when she gets back!

No wife for a week? No Netflix? No clean clothes on tap? Sounds like she needs it

Original poster

Campgate · 07/06/2019 08:58

Thank you all so much, seriously was expecting to get a pounding!

'Btw that " you can't tell me what to do" is normal 16 year old behaviour she is asserting independence.'

Mrsjayy in a way I'm glad (?) it is normal teen behaviour. I'd be even more glad she was asserting independence if she actually did anything for herself to be independent rather than giving me shit and then texting me a thousand times asking me to do stuff she's forgot or wants me to sort.

OP posts:

JustHereforHarriet · 07/06/2019 09:05

Recipe for disaster. She’ll be so grumpy and you’ll resent the fact you should be having a nice weekend to yourself. Let her go and treat it as a respite and reset for you both.

SoundsAboutRight · 07/06/2019 09:08

Definitely let her go. You've earnt it. And as a PP said, apart from any SEN issues, she is just being a normal teenager. They pretty much all test the boundaries someway at some point...

A break apart may actually help you both, she will have a week of other authority figures and may even miss you a tiny bit... ENJOY your YOU time!

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2019 09:10

She may learn some useful skills about co-operation and thinking of others while she's away. She may even learn to appreciate what she has (a bit!)

A break from each other is much needed. Enjoy yours!

Tentomidnight · 07/06/2019 09:12

Let her go but make her aware, in a lighthearted way, that on her return there will be some changes e.g. a chores rota.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/06/2019 09:13

Camp
I have a 15 yo DS1 who swings from “you hate me” to “will you make some ice cream / find my socks/ do xyz for me” in nanoseconds. One of my standard responses is that “I am not the house slave” another being “Don’t outsource your thinking to me”.

He is a lovely boy who also happens to be a teenager doing GCSEs.
Let her go, it will do you both good.

sackrifice · 07/06/2019 09:13

texting me a thousand times asking me to do stuff she's forgot or wants me to sort

This is what you need to stop doing. Stop running around after her.

If she texts you asking for you to do something, tell her when she starts behaving pleasantly again you will but for now, she is behaving so badly you are disinclined to help her out.

DoctorDread · 07/06/2019 09:14

Absence makes the heart grow fonder Op. I'd send her with the message that you hope she returns with a better attitude and that if she doesn't you'll be removing privileges etc. Teens can be shit. A bit of time away from each other may be just the ticket?

MrsWombat · 07/06/2019 09:14

Is she worried about the trip? Could that be the trigger for this bad behaviour?

freshstartnewme · 07/06/2019 09:14

I think perhaps the SEN is massively relevant. Maybe the behaviour is a result of her struggling to cope with the upcoming trip and that's what's making her act out.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/06/2019 09:17

Let her go as it will do both of you good.
But don't spend the weekend plotting punishments for her. Punishment is a stupid way to parent kids in the first place, and particularly inappropriate for a teenager (even more so for one with SEN). You'll get the usual crew of self-righteous bullies exhorting you to destroy her belongings, stop her seeing her friends, come up with various ways to make her miserable: ignore it all. When she comes back, go for a fresh start.

freshstartnewme · 07/06/2019 09:18

rwanimated

100%

Di11y · 07/06/2019 09:18

is this the start of summer holidays where you are or school trip? my dd is a complete nightmare the week or so before the holidays.

Toooldtocareanymore · 07/06/2019 09:20

honestly you need a break, let you recharge batteries to try deal with your little madam, and maybe a break from home will help your dd. Just look at it as a opportunity to wipe the slate clean don't start up rows again when she gets home unless bad behaviours starts up again.

OKBobble · 07/06/2019 09:21

Yep - never issue punishments that punish you more!! Think of other sanctions such as phone confiscation during Love Island!!

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2019 09:22

She wants all the rights of being 16 nearly an adult but none of the responsibility.

you might need to stop doing as much for her so she doesn't forget and learns to organise herself depending on her SEN you might need to help her make lists and put reminders on her phone. I found me being busy or not being as available when mine were thar age helped them in the long run.

BertrandRussell · 07/06/2019 09:22

Sounds like some time apart would be good for both of you.

When she comes back go out to lunch together and thrash out some new house rules. Including a discussion of bedtime. She’s 16- she can be up in the night so long as she doesn’t damage anything or make a noise.

Lweji · 07/06/2019 09:25

I'd guess she also needs the break. Camp could actually help her behaviour.

Yes, asserting independence while needing mummy is normal teen behaviour. It's a transition phase and it's just as hard for the teens as for the adults, as you may well remember.

I'd agree with her that you can't tell her what to do, not as you did when she was younger. If you haven't yet, it may be worth pausing a bit and reflect on how you talk to her and how you ask her to do things.
She's becoming an adult and it works better to engage them and getting then on our side than to order them around (yes, even if it's to get them to clean after them).

When she says that you can't tell her what to do, it's probably her being angry at her own helplessness in many things.

You can pass on more responsibility by asking her what she thinks she should do when she has a problem, or let her deal with the consequences as much as possible.

Worst case, I've once told a much younger DS that he could always find somewhere else to live if he didn't do as I asked (his question in a normal conversation, not during an argument). And it's kind of true. It's your home and both have to find a way to cohabit and respect eachother.

It's also possible that she resents helping you, as teenagers can also be quite selfish. But then, I think it's possible to encourage her empathy.

IHeartArya · 07/06/2019 09:26

Absolutely wave her off with a smile & enjoy the break. You need it. Teens are err challenging

DingDongDenny · 07/06/2019 09:31

Before she goes, sit her down for a chat and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable, that you were considering not letting her go, but you have decided to give her a chance and that you expect better when she returns, If not there will be consequences

Then if she is the same when she gets back, follow through

SouthernComforts · 07/06/2019 09:32

Not letting her go would be punishing you, not her. Absolutely let her go and enjoy the peace.

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