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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen doesn't deserve to go to camp but if they don't go I won't get a break from them!

96 replies

Campgate · 07/06/2019 08:28

I'm a single Mum to a previously lovely but at the moment not so lovely 16 year old who has some SEN. I've said about the Sen so as not to drip feed. It's not relevant to her behaviour at the moment imo.

Teen DD is due on camp tomorrow and is very much looking forward to it. However their behaviour this week has been quite frankly rubbish.

Completely ignoring me , saying she doesn't have to listen to me, I can't tell her what to do, saying okay in a sarcastic voice when I speak to her, waiting until I've gone to bed and then getting up messing about half of the night.
She won't lift a finger in the house, she's leaving food everywhere, she won't help me despite the fact I have some medical issues going on. She's just been horrible tbh.

We have some discipline in place but honestly she really doesn't deserve to go.
The downside however is that is she doesn't go then I literally have no break from her. I am on my own with her apart from school and work and 24/7 in the holidays and I get no break.
I have a lovely time planned for myself with the cinema booked tomorrow night to see Take That at the cinema and some time to myself and if she doesn't go I lose out too as she is not capable of being left home alone normally never mind when she is in a mood.

Wibu to let her go for my own benefit even though she doesn't deserve to?

OP posts:
AphidEater · 07/06/2019 09:32

Agree - send her, see if you can have a clean start when she’s back, and if not there will be other opportunities for consequences.

popsuey · 07/06/2019 09:35

I'd let her go and deal with the behaviour when she gets back if it continues. I wouldn't want the resentment of the missed trip on top of everything else. My 14 year old DD is being a twat at the moment in exactly the same ways as you're describing. I've been confiscating phone and gadgets, but am now considering stopping pocket money and possibly even grounding her (although the prospect of her being confined to the house in an angry state frankly terrifies me!). Enjoy your time to yourself if you do decide to let her go.

Weenurse · 07/06/2019 09:36

Now is the time to sit her down and encourage a part time job.
Also try to have a reasonable discussion about how you both live there, you both contribute to the mess, so you both contribute to the clean up.
Mine were doing their own laundry at that age as well as cooking once a week.
Good luck

BertrandRussell · 07/06/2019 09:37

“Before she goes, sit her down for a chat and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable, that you were considering not letting her go, but you have decided to give her a chance and that you expect better when she returns, If not there will be consequences”

I really don’t think you should do this. Send her off with a smile, not crossness and resentment. Press the reset button and start again when she gets back. Parenting a young adult is very different from parenting a child.

Lovemusic33 · 07/06/2019 09:39

I’m a single mum of 2 SN teens, in your position I would let her go. Enjoy your break x

IncrediblySadToo · 07/06/2019 09:43

Send her. YOU need the break.

Tell her you love her & hope she has great time.

Put it to one side, do NOT spend the week thinking about it. Enjoy the break.

IF she’s being a brat when she comes back, post agai

Drum2018 · 07/06/2019 09:43

Let her go and enjoy your break. I'm hoping it's for more than one night.

In future don't be so obliging when she texts you looking for stuff or asking you to sort stuff.

Original poster
Campgate · 07/06/2019 09:46

She's not usually worried at all about camp. She's been going for a while, the leaders are amazing and the kids she goes with really look out for her.
She is usually charm itself for them ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Campgate · 07/06/2019 09:49

Uptheshard will definitely look for that book thanks. Willing to try anything at the moment.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 07/06/2019 09:52

Send her to camp or you will be exhausted even more and hateech other.
It will pass although my own son was not really fully human until his late 20's Grin

HolesinTheSoles · 07/06/2019 09:52

It would be a bad idea to use the camp as a discipline strategy. This will just lead to worse behaviour and a headache for you. Let her go on camp, have a break from each other and work on her attitude when she comes back.

In all honesty though I would have a fresh start when she gets back. Sit down and talk with her and set up your expectations in a positive way. e.g. I feel really hurt when you speak to me like this - I'm happy to discuss things with you but you need to treat me with respect. Come to an agreement about what she'll do around the house (be specific) and if she doesn't do it what the consequences will be.

TwinklyMummaLuvsHerBubba89 · 07/06/2019 09:56

Think of it as your reward for not murdering her.

This made me chuckle. I've a teen DD and DSD. I swear to god I need rewards for getting through the day sometimes. Luckily DSD doesn't live with me, she's lovely but she is exactly the same as DD and I can barely cope with one DD's-worth of teen attitude, let alone 2!

Let her go, OP. For your own sake. Enjoy the break.

Original poster
Campgate · 07/06/2019 09:57

'She wants all the rights of being 16 nearly an adult but none of the responsibility. '

Spot on.
At the same time as get out of my life , you can't tell me what to do, I'm not listening to you I have her constantly on at me because she wants me to still do everything.

OP posts:
PonderingPanda · 07/06/2019 10:01

SEN mum here too of 15yr old. Let her go on camp and take the time to re-charge.

My DS has ASD and his behaviour always deteriorates when he is anxious about something - even if it's something he wants to do i.e the camp. He also won't verbalize what is wrong as currently he doesn't have an insight to his own emotions... although he has said a couple of times recently "I'm worried about....." in relation to his GCSE exams so I'm hoping that is a sign of him gaining that insight!

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2019 10:03

Can Ibe nosey and ask what her SEN is ? her behaviour might be connected not that I am an expert just have a dd with a learning difficulty and she was all over the place at 16

EmeraldShamrock · 07/06/2019 10:06

Living with a moody distressed teen is a war zone.
Next time she speaks to you like that, tell her you will always love her but when she is acting disrespectful you'll refuse to speak to her, unless she can answer respectfully.
Completely ignore her OP even when she saw begging for help, I done this with my DD it works.
I tell her I am not going to get angry or shout at her, but I will treat her like I treat anyone who treats me like muck, ignoring their presence completely, until she is genuinely sorry.
You'd be surprised the lengths they go to, even bed making to get you on side again.

Homebird8 · 07/06/2019 10:08

Before she goes, sit her down for a chat and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable, that you were considering not letting her go, but you have decided to give her a chance and that you expect better when she returns, If not there will be consequences

^ This

And then enjoy your break. Don’t punish you for her behaviour.

Original poster
Campgate · 07/06/2019 10:09

She has dyspraxia and some processing and learning issues MrsJayy

OP posts:
JonSnowsFurCoat · 07/06/2019 10:11

Definitely send her. Sounds like you could both so with a break from what each other.

You can have other consequences when she gets back but while she’s away, enjoy yourself and do something for you.

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2019 10:13

Yes my Dd is dyspraxic some of what you said about your dd I recognised it is hard isn't it ? Some of her behaviour will be tied in with her Sen not that you need to put up with it just try and manage it differently.

Jaxhog · 07/06/2019 10:15

Send her, but suggest she reflects on her recent behaviour and comes back prepared to toe the line and behave better.

Gindrinker43 · 07/06/2019 10:21

Is this a school trip of something like Scouting. Talk to the leaders and get them to ensure that she complies with behaviours whilst she's away, get them to put some routine and discipline in, they dont have to be mean but ensure she knows she hasn't won. Doing the washing up, cleaning loos and keeping the tent tidy may help to concentrate her mind a bit.

Seaweed42 · 07/06/2019 10:22

It could well be that she is stressed about going and this is reflected in the behaviour. Things change for teens at this age and they start to get more self-conscious than when they were at an earlier age.

JoinTheMicrodots · 07/06/2019 10:22

giving me shit and then texting me a thousand times asking me to do stuff she's forgot or wants me to sort.

@Campgate are you responding to every request to help her by pointing out that you’re not inclined to help her with anything whatsoever while she continues to treat you like the shit on her shoe? If not, why not?

Of course send her to camp - you’d only be punishing yourself. She doesn’t need ‘punishment’, she needs natural consequences. She needs to learn that people don’t tend to give their best when you treat them like shit, so if she wants you to do things for her then she needs to treat you better.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 07/06/2019 10:24

Send her off to camp.
I'd be waving her off and delighted to see the back of her for a few days - or hopefully a week.

Pick your battles.
If / when she starts up with her horseshit after she comes back, then come down hard and remove privileges.