Does it always have to be 50/50?

[Questioningthis]

An ongoing 'discussion' with my OH.

He is of the view that everything should be equal, ie we must spend similar on each other's birthday and Christmas presents, that he will only ever do 50% of a task, that I should not expect flowers and compliments unless I give it back. I'm not a gold digger (I actually have far more money in assets than him, although his income is 50% higher than mine) nor am I a delicate flower who needs to be looked after, I'm very independent but sometimes it would be nice to get some help, or at least an offer, as I am always super busy trying to do 20 things at once. For instances I've had issues with builders earlier this year and never once has he helped or in any way got involved (conversely I've given him lots of help with his problems, written references, letters of complaint etc).

Also he says things which I feel are unkind, I have a very good memory generally (I've always been able to memorize huge lists etc, it was helpful to pass exams) but as I get older it's not entirely infallible. If I say X happened, or I think X happened, he will say what about your amaaaaazing memory? Or thst my memory is nothing special, I'm just the same as everyone else.

I find that hurtful and told him. He said that it was no different to me saying he was feeling sorry for himself and if I say that I can't expect him not to respond similarly (He comes out with a lot of comments like I clearly don't care/ am not invested in our relationship/I obviously find him repulsive and want someone else - I give him no reason to think this).

Is it wrong to actually not want everything to be so very equal? To actually want sometimes to be or feel looked after/ cared for, just a bit? Isn't that how a relationship should be?

Just before I married DH someone told me 'remember - in a marriage where you're keeping score, nobody wins'.

I thought it was great advice. We try to sort everything as a team which means sometimes one does more than the other but it always evens out because we're on the same side.

Neither of you sound very happy with the current arrangement, so something needs to change.

He sounds awful - begrudging you every scrap he throws at you in case it’s slightly more than you’ve done for him recently. I couldn’t bare such a lack of generosity.

Can you ever relax in his company?!

And is he ever nice to you? I agree with the others that he sounds like a very unpleasant person whom most people would avoid.

He doesn’t sound like he likes you very much. If you love someone you want to do things for them. Sounds like neither of you really want to do much for each other.
My oh of 15 years will get me a drink. I will run upstairs to get his phone if he’s forgotten it. Small things but even if bothersome, still done because we love each other. I think he is the cleverest man I know. He tells me I’m an amazing mother.
You’ve not been together long and you resent him and he resents you. He shouldn’t be hurting you with such venom. I hate the way mumsnet immediately cries out ltb but in this case it sounds like you don’t have much to lose and everything to gain.

I don’t understand. He wants everything to be 50/50 but you’ve described how you do most of the tasks and help him out with additional things.

He sounds like an arsehole.

I just have this image of you cooking dinner until 50% of the way through and then declaring ... ok oh you finish dinner I’ve done my half

How utterly bizarre

I'd be interested in how the 50:50 is split. As in does he just do half a task and say you need to complete the rest? Or he does it one time them you do it next time.

Doesn't sound great either way. Sounds like he resents you and you sound unhappy. Hopefully no dc involved then you can escape. 😳

I think sometimes on MN you see an opening post and it can be about something completely innocuous but reading between the lines it is obvious that there is a problem with the whole relationship.

This is one of those times.

Whether the relationship can be saved or it is time to part is not up to the readers but we are here to point out where we think the problem lies and if it can be fixed (in our opinion).

In this case as has been pointed out you cannot have everything 50/50. Even so you appear to be doing 100% in a lot of stuff anyway and the way he speaks to you is not very nice, as though he doesn’t actually like you.

The question has to be what you get out of this relationship and if it is worth it?

It sounds exhausting. Do you get any joy from this relationship at all?

Oh god get rid of him. All this trying to even the score constantly, he sounds fucking miserable.

He won't do anything unless I pitch in too. He will cook but I have to get all the ingredients together. And I would still wash up, clear up etc. If we're gardening say, he won't do it unless I'm also there. If he's doing a DIY task he expects me to be at his side handing him tools or making constant cups of tea.

I don't feel like he likes me at times. But if I say this I'm told I'm being self pitying which is something I tell him he is...I feel like I'm unreasonable in his eyes to want to be made a fuss of even just occasionally.

He won't do anything unless I pitch in too. He will cook but I have to get all the ingredients together. And I would still wash up, clear up etc. If we're gardening say, he won't do it unless I'm also there. If he's doing a DIY task he expects me to be at his side handing him tools or making constant cups of tea

Just get rid.

He is controlling your every move.

And not doing his 50/50. Is he actually capable of doing anything on his own

I think if you sent him packing you would suddenly feel fantastic, like a weight has been removed from your shoulders.

He sounds awful. Leave. Life will be so much better on your own even without a 'cheerleader' because you won't have him dragging you down.

I don't feel like he likes me at times.
He probably doesn’t 🤷‍♀️

No one on here has said “hey questioningthis you sound lazy / like you are trying to shirk doing your share / super self pitying”

Everyone is saying “this is not okay and it’s not you that’s the problem”.

You don’t seem to be hearing that YANBU

He sounds selfish and awful.
Surely if you love somone you would want to buy them flowers occasionally or help them out. Who is keeping count?
Same with my ex, no engagement ring either, no nothing, it was 99% of me and 1% of him.
It's so much better without him now. I can treat myself and I'm not running around after him.

The problem you have is that his voice (his opinion of you) is drowning out all the other voices (on this thread and most likely elsewhere, including what you think) that say he's wrong.

You have to figure out a way to stop listening to him. Because not only is he wrong, but his actions are damaging you - your self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth.

But stopping listening to your "partner"? That's drastic - that's admitting that there's a big problem here: a lack of partnership. So it's very tempting just to look the other way, bury the thoughts, stifle the feelings.

Be brave. Stick up for yourself. Value yourself more than he does.

Look he does NOT want to do things 50/50.
Doing things 50/50 means half of the time one person does ALL the cooking, or all the gardening etc...

What he is forcing you to do is do at least 3/4 of the work when he does something whilst being sure he does as little as possible the rest of the time.
So he ‘cooks’ but you need to prepare everything first and then tidy up, wash etc... that’s not 50/50. That’s him doing what 10 maybe 20% of the work, the part he enjoys and that is easy whilst leav8ng you with all the crap. Oh and he gets to have a go if all the ingredients aren’t there etc....
He is doing some gardening but you have to do some too.

What about when YOU do things wo him. All the washing, cleaning, ironing etc... does that not count because he isn’t there?

He is treating like a maid, giving you orders and with little respect. No wonder you feel he doesn’t like you. Because he doesn’t treat you as if he does like you.
Actually I would say he doesn’t like you at all.

He sounds.....like a dick.
The whole relationship just sounds exhausting and quite miserable.

You don’t have to settle.

I'd start doing 50% of the work - so cook 50% o the dinner ie just yours), 50% of the laundry (just yours unless you fancy doing just one of each pair of socks....)

He's absolutely not on the spectrum. He thinks he has high levels of emotional intelligence.

He may think he he has emotional intelligence but he seems to be mistaken. Whether he happens to be on the spectrum as well, or not, it doesn't really matter either way. Maybe he has ishooes and really needs you holding his hand all the time otherwise he can do nothing. Or maybe he just likes to have you there, under his thumb. Either way he's no use. You can't co-parent with someone like that, because you'll have to do your parenting work plus hold his hand while he does his. If he does any parenting at all, that is, instead of just deciding that's your job same as the laundry.

if I say this I'm told I'm being self pitying which is something I tell him he is..

He probably thinks "that's what to say when someone complains" because that's what you say to him. He's not actually engaging with what you say no matter what.

Good parents never put in 50-50. Good parents both put in as much as they have to give and then some, to the kids and to each other. So why are you still bothering? Because he thinks he's emotionally intelligent? How would he know?

Please tell us you don't already have any children with him.

But you do. Surely you do. Otherwise you'd be long gone.

OP - what do you actually think?