Does it always have to be 50/50?

[Questioningthis]

An ongoing 'discussion' with my OH.

He is of the view that everything should be equal, ie we must spend similar on each other's birthday and Christmas presents, that he will only ever do 50% of a task, that I should not expect flowers and compliments unless I give it back. I'm not a gold digger (I actually have far more money in assets than him, although his income is 50% higher than mine) nor am I a delicate flower who needs to be looked after, I'm very independent but sometimes it would be nice to get some help, or at least an offer, as I am always super busy trying to do 20 things at once. For instances I've had issues with builders earlier this year and never once has he helped or in any way got involved (conversely I've given him lots of help with his problems, written references, letters of complaint etc).

Also he says things which I feel are unkind, I have a very good memory generally (I've always been able to memorize huge lists etc, it was helpful to pass exams) but as I get older it's not entirely infallible. If I say X happened, or I think X happened, he will say what about your amaaaaazing memory? Or thst my memory is nothing special, I'm just the same as everyone else.

I find that hurtful and told him. He said that it was no different to me saying he was feeling sorry for himself and if I say that I can't expect him not to respond similarly (He comes out with a lot of comments like I clearly don't care/ am not invested in our relationship/I obviously find him repulsive and want someone else - I give him no reason to think this).

Is it wrong to actually not want everything to be so very equal? To actually want sometimes to be or feel looked after/ cared for, just a bit? Isn't that how a relationship should be?

I was with someone who was obsessed with 50/50 splits. So going out I'd get the "I paid for this/it's your turn to pay". He would never ever treat me. I get that he didn't "have" to treat me, it just became embarrassing when the loud penny pinching conversations started when we were in cafes and restaurants. He's my ex for lots of reasons, that being one of them.

He sounds delightful... you deserve better and life isn't 50/50, not all the time, sometimes the scales balance in different ways.

He actually sounds incredibly cruel.

Your partner should be the one person who will back you, still love you and be kind even when you’re wrong or having a rough time together. They should be your protector and confidant, and you theirs.
If he was the partner of your sister or your very best friend, would you be happy for them to hear these things or would you believe they deserve more?
Be kind to yourself, find someone who loves you. Or don’t, just love yourself. But leave him either way. Life’s too short for this shit.

Thank goodness you’re not married. He sounds horrendous. What a twat. Fine to aim for 50:50 on money or workload, but his approach is really mean and unpleasant.

How on earth do you do 50/50 on everything.

If you have or are going to have children is he going to spend 4.5 months pregnant.

You are not in a romantic relationship. He just wants to house share with benefits and another income.

I know someone like that who has been married multiple times. Unfortunately if the unsuspecting wife gets ill or loses her job he is off.

Last time I heard from him his much younger wife had divorced him because she wanted children and he wanted some one who brought money into the house.

I know his 2nd wife.
She married and has a lovely life with her husband and 4 children and was a SAHM for quite some time.

Absolutely a partnership should be 50 50. But good relationships just work like that, and it doesn't apply 50 50 to every task. That smacks of tired for tat and oneupmanship

For us its roughly we both do jobs 50 50 whatever we prefer then take turns with the shitty ones and have roughly equal downtime.

He is of the view that everything should be equal, ie we must spend similar on each other's birthday and Christmas presents, that he will only ever do 50% of a task, that I should not expect flowers and compliments unless I give it back. I'm not a gold digger (I actually have far more money in assets than him, although his income is 50% higher than mine)

When you love, respect and genuinely care for your partner this level of nit-picking doesn't happen. Yes I agree 50/50 for household bills, but rigidly sticking to only completing to 50% of tasks and demanding that compliments are reciprocated sounds very cold hearted. Some of your other comments make him come across as very petty and mean-spirited.

Are you happy?

Would you rely on him in a crisis? Would he take care of you if you were ill?
Your partnership is whatever works for you, but I’d feel quite sorry for myself if my DH treated me like this.

I would not even want to be friends with someone so meanspirited, let alone a relationship

When you say 50% of a task would that mean he counts the tiles in the kitchen floor and only cleans half of them type thing?

High maintenance tosser.

Convienient for him to only do 50/50 i bet-he sounds like a controller-and then turning it round on you like youre at fault

If he doesn’t I would start playing him at his own game and do the above just to show how ridiculous his 50:50 thing is

How on earth do you do 50/50 on everything

Maybe he peels half the potatoes for dinner and hoovers half a room?

He sounds awful. Get a man that wants to give you 100%

This doesn't sound very nice at all. Is he the sort who makes a line in the duvet down the bed and tells you to stay on your own side?

He does sound mean spirited OP. It must be hard.

That is very bizarre to me.

The reality is that no situation in life is EVER going to be a perfect 50/50, and to base a relationship on that is extremely sad.

Marriage or a partnership is not 50/50. It's 100/100. There are days one person gives more, and there are days another person gives more, but neither one should be keeping score. That's not "love".

No, i hate people who harp on about 50/50 in relationships.
You should be a team, you should carry him when he is weaker and him you. You should play to your strengths not a % cut of tasks and duties. And you should love and care for each other, you should want to make each others lives easier and happier.

You relationship sounds more like a business contract - I personally couldn't live that.

He doesn't seem to like you very much from the sound of things.

Regarding 50/50... it's not quite as simple as that.

Expecting compliments, if you never give them is unreasonable.

It's unreasonable to split bills equally where one person earns a lot more.

You say he wants 50/50, but you do most of the housework...that doesn't follow his thoughts.

Then with all the ring fandango.... which was never genuine, I'd question if it's worth continuing with the relationship.

Someone like him might be better as a BF, rather than a partner you live with. That way, you may just get to see his best side, when you aren't doing all the housework.

If you need help sorting out building stuff, then you can get a friend to help, because it'll be your place snd he'll be in his place.

He doesn't have your back like a partner would, so let him just be a man you're in a relationship with. That's how he behaves, so make it a reality if you decide to stay with him.

he sounds jealous of you and he sounds utterly vile to live with OP.

He sounds miserable and exhausting

That kind of continuous competition and self absorption will really wear you down OP (in fact it seems it has already)

Please remind yourself that you are able to end a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, bring joy into your life and provide support when you need it.

You are not obliged to be with him, you are choosing to do so.

Make sure it’s a good choice.

You should be a team, you should carry him when he is weaker and him you. You should play to your strengths not a % cut of tasks and duties.

Very well put. Teamwork doesn’t mean you both do the same in equal measure; it’s about having a shared goal and having each other’s back.

Your posts sound like you know he's a hopeless case.

Awful.
And he doesn’t see your relationship as a partnership but as a commercial transaction.

Sounds exhausting.

Bloody hell -is he going to mow half a lawn ? Clean half a toilet. Maybe he needs to take 100% for his life and you take 100% for your life. Does he do the same sexually etc -cups of tea -my giddy aunt. I couldn't live like that. What happens if you are ill -are you still expected to log in and do 50%?