Does it always have to be 50/50?

[Questioningthis]

An ongoing 'discussion' with my OH.

He is of the view that everything should be equal, ie we must spend similar on each other's birthday and Christmas presents, that he will only ever do 50% of a task, that I should not expect flowers and compliments unless I give it back. I'm not a gold digger (I actually have far more money in assets than him, although his income is 50% higher than mine) nor am I a delicate flower who needs to be looked after, I'm very independent but sometimes it would be nice to get some help, or at least an offer, as I am always super busy trying to do 20 things at once. For instances I've had issues with builders earlier this year and never once has he helped or in any way got involved (conversely I've given him lots of help with his problems, written references, letters of complaint etc).

Also he says things which I feel are unkind, I have a very good memory generally (I've always been able to memorize huge lists etc, it was helpful to pass exams) but as I get older it's not entirely infallible. If I say X happened, or I think X happened, he will say what about your amaaaaazing memory? Or thst my memory is nothing special, I'm just the same as everyone else.

I find that hurtful and told him. He said that it was no different to me saying he was feeling sorry for himself and if I say that I can't expect him not to respond similarly (He comes out with a lot of comments like I clearly don't care/ am not invested in our relationship/I obviously find him repulsive and want someone else - I give him no reason to think this).

Is it wrong to actually not want everything to be so very equal? To actually want sometimes to be or feel looked after/ cared for, just a bit? Isn't that how a relationship should be?

FFS. Bin this man and move on. Being single is far better than staying with a mean, selfish prick like him. He's only with you because it benefits him to have a partner both in financial terms and to obtain domestic service he doesn't have to pay for. I bet he's crap at sex, too - especially if he applies the 50-50 rule to how much time you can expect him to spend doing stuff for your pleasure.

Meanness of spirit is so unattractive. What do you like about him? What do you get out of the relationship? He sounds like a bully who likes to put you down and keep you in your place. Nasty.

I'd 100% leave him. That kind of point-scoring is shit.

I think it’s 4.5 years too long with him - and I’m into commitment and sustaining relationships.
What happens if you became pregnant?
What happens if you became seriously ill or disabled?
Where is the fun, the romance the joy?
I just cannot see what you are getting out of the relationship apart from damaged confidence and a raw deal.

Not a big deal but a gesture that made me almost cry it was so sweet was my husband secretly growing sweet peas (my favourite and he’s not a gardener) and when I’d been away at work all week arriving home very late, he had picked them and put them in a little vase on my side of the bed. A complete surprise.
Not a huge expensive event, not something that was newsworthy but I felt truly adored - I was very, very tired mind so maybe a bit prone to emotion anyway. That’s what a good relationship should feel like, isn’t it?

I think you need to play this guy at his own game. So tell him you will definitely share everything 50/50 from now on, as he suggests - shopping/cooking/cleaning/washing/organising social affairs etc. Just sit at the table waiting for your meal etc. on his week/day and don't give in until his behaviour improves. Alternatively, find someone else who has a better attitude because, for sure, he won't be doing 50% of the childcare if you have children later down the line.

Life is way too short to play games with people like this because fundamentally they do not truly give a shit about you. Do NOT even consider having children with him, in fact, if you're on contraception, use a second form to back up.

Why would you put up with this?

Urgh. Depressing. I’ve just ended a 2 year relationship with a man for whom everything was a transaction. “I helped you do X so now you have to do Y”, “ I paid last time so now you pay”. I’m all about equal partnerships and always pay my way but the very structured nature of it and the reminders that I owed him constantly was deeply deeply unattractive and actually quite insulting - as though I wouldn’t have helped him or paid for anything otherwise! Bin and move on OP, you can do better!

Everyone seems quick to cast him as the villain of the piece. That may or may not be the case but what comes across most clearly to me is that you’re both unhappy with things as they are. It sounds as though some counselling would help you both work out what you want. Good luck going forward

Sounds very clinical & not much like a partnership.

Sounds to me like he doesn't like you very much and couldn't care less whether you are happy. Life is a competition for people like him - he has to win every interaction.

He sounds warm and fuzzy like the electric chair!

Love it!

You don’t seem to particularly like each other as people. If there ever was a relationship there, it’s an empty husk now.

Also, my narcissist ex was the same with the turning round every attempt at a constructive conversation, so that he was accusing me of the same stuff I was trying to get him to see he was doing.

Just impossible to stay level-headed with that sort of behaviour - you're constantly wondering which one of you is in contact with reality! And as he always sounded so certain about everything, I just lost confidence in my judgement.

Get out asap.

He gaslights you.

He puts you down.

He specifically targets the things that make you feel good about yourself to bring you down.

He invents things he has decided you are thinking so he can attack you for them.

He doesn't recognise or apologise for his mistakes.

He blames you for his terrible behaviour.

His domineering approach to this 50/50 business is the least of your worries. I've just summarised what you describe in your posts.

This is not a normal or healthy relationship. The only other people living like this are people in abusive relationships, whether they recognise that's what's happening to them yet or not.

Not a big deal but a gesture that made me almost cry it was so sweet was my husband secretly growing sweet peas (my favourite and he’s not a gardener) and when I’d been away at work all week arriving home very late, he had picked them and put them in a little vase on my side of the bed. A complete surprise.

That's beautiful.

The only way you are going to get the life you deserve is to leave him. The only chance he has of learning and changing is from the shock of being ditched by you.

You know what to do. Have courage.

He's a 100% wanker.

The moment a relationship is broken down into percentages, is the moment it's doomed.

Sounds exhausting, frustrating and petty.

I’d run for the hills but I couldn’t live like that he sounds unkind and like he enjoys putting you down.

My DP and I have a fair relationship but that doesn’t mean that everything is 50/50.
General stuff is split but we treat each other a lot (because we like to/it gives us joy)
Sometimes it’s small stuff like I’ll pick up a craft beer I think he’ll like it he will get me a snack I like sometimes it’s bigger things like flowers/tickets to a band etc
And If one of us is having a hard time with work/ is sick/ whatever the other sorts dinners and does more cleaning etc

I’d say it’s fair rather than “equal”, I know he has my back.

I was shocked when I read you have put us with this crap for more than 4 years
Your “D”P sounds utterly horrid

You are putting up with this shit from a man who has said he doesn't want to marry you?

Seriously, go to a therapist and explore why you would put up with this kind of cheeseparing relationship.

And dump him - of course. He is a joyless man.

In relationships each person should want to be the person giving and doing more. If you are in a relationship with someone who thinks like that, it will be wonderful, joyful, kind, loving etc.

Someone who measures everything - dismal.

Your partner is a parsimonious man. You'd be a lot happier without him.

And yes it is perfectly reasonable to want someone who is prepared to cherish you and mind you and be loving and kind to you without expecting an immediate 50 percent payback- jesus who are these men and how do they get perfectly lovely women to tolerate them

Oh God this sounds like hard work.

Who the hell keeps tabs like this? I have done nothing the past two days and my husband has done everything. Some days it's the other way around, sometimes it's even. Who cares as long as it's done and it's roughly equal?

How can you be arsed with this?

He sounds horrible. You sound as though you have been unhappy for quite a while.

What are you gaining from this relationship?

He sounds absolutely awful.

A mean man whom I would not be sure even likes you.

He certainly hasn't your best interests at heart.

He is not with being with.

Bin. You deserve better.

Parts of what you say about him remind me of my ex. Please leave him. You will look back and realise it was the best thing you ever did.

He sounds like a massive a-hole.
I would dump him.