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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told my aunt to stay away

67 replies

Scarlett555 · 06/06/2019 20:02

Prepared to be told I am being precious. I am pregnant which may be making me so upset.

My DM had fairly advanced Alzheimers. She knows who I am most of the time, but not always. She only occasionally recognises my DD.

She has recently moved to a care home at the opposite end of the country (near my siblings). It's a 6 hour drive or 3 trains. A mission of a journey with a pre-schooler.

Me and DD (age 3) have planned a trip up to see her this weekend. Lots of lovely things planned for the three of us to do, but today I receive an email from my aunt and uncle (mum's sister) saying they are also planning on visiting this weekend. I replied asking her nicely if she could make it a different time so we can space out the visits to my DM and she replied a breezy reply saying 'hotel already booked, looking forward to seeing you.'

I replied again, explicitly saying I wanted to have the weekend with my Mum and DD as it was probably the last time DM would know who we are... no reply yet. Now questioning whether I am being u. Aunt lives fairly far away from DM - probably 3-4 hour drive.

OP posts:

Ravingstarfish · 06/06/2019 20:03

so are you planning to spend 24/7 with your mum?

Original poster

Scarlett555 · 06/06/2019 20:07

She goes to bed v early and sleeps 12 hours so yes I was planning to spend most of the time she is awake with her.

OP posts:

ehohtinkywinky · 06/06/2019 20:11

I don't think so, I think your aunt should see it from your perspective and let you have this time.

donotcovertheradiator · 06/06/2019 20:13

It sounds as if she isn't going to change her plans.

I would be seething but because it is rightly so important, I think I would switch my plans to the following weekend.

Is this possible for you?

Boopeedoop · 06/06/2019 20:16

Could you take your mum out?

Original poster

Scarlett555 · 06/06/2019 20:18

Already booked tomorrow as leave and spent £115 on train tickets!

Just had an email from my uncle to say they can only do this weekend and my aunt is really looking forward to seeing her sister.

Lovely awkward weekend now! :(

OP posts:

Guadalquivir19 · 06/06/2019 20:18

Going forward you should set up a rota with your extended family to even out the visits with your mum. It's an unfortunate coincidence that both of you have planned to visit this weekend. Presumably neither of you knew that the other was going to see your mum this weekend.

Is there any chance that you can delay your trip for the following weekend? Have you already booked your tickets? Or could your aunt phone up the hotel & move the booking to the following weekend?

Chickenlady25 · 06/06/2019 20:19

Sorry but YABU. You're aunt has as much right to spend time with her sister as you do to spend time with your mum - just work out a visiting schedule together if it's too much for all of you to be in the room at once.

BlueMerchant · 06/06/2019 20:21

I don't think your Aunt is being mean. I think it's nice that she's looking forward to seeing you and DD and it's good to be surrounded by family during this difficult time. Do you and your Aunt generally not get along? I think if you do you could be a source of support for each other?

Antigon · 06/06/2019 20:22

Any way you can get there before your aunt and take your mum out?

Antigon · 06/06/2019 20:25

I do think the aunt is being mean. She clearly knew you were planning to visit, now knows that you would prefer to be alone with mum but is refusing to change her hotel booking.

Original poster

Scarlett555 · 06/06/2019 20:26

I have set up and shared a Google calendar ages ago which has details of who is visiting and when. My visit has been planned for ages, they only decided to come today.

I was planning to take my DM and DD out for the day on Saturday but that feels very mean if they have driven all the way to see her too.

OP posts:

GeorgeTheBleeder · 06/06/2019 20:28

Why would it be awkward? And why would you not want your mother’s sister to spend as much time with her as possible? It isn’t up to you to ‘tell her to stay away’.

Isn’t this a time for generosity and joining together?

Antigon · 06/06/2019 20:28

It's also very mean of them to gate crash your day out. Did the aunt know you were planning this day out?

saraclara · 06/06/2019 20:29

If the sisters are close, you are being unreasonable. I totally understand you being disappointed, but I don't think you can ask her not to go.

To be honest, I think spending all your mum's waking hours with her with a 3 year old, would be a bit much for your DD. So it will probably work out well if you divvy up the time between you.
(I'm in a similar position - sometimes my SIL and her husband are visiting the same time that I and my daughters visit my MIL (of 40 years - I adore her) who is in a home several hours away. Rather than overwhelming MIL by all being there together (people chatting over her confuses and distresses her - I don't think she can distinguish the separate vooices), we split the time between us but meet up for lunch.

Antigon · 06/06/2019 20:29

Is it possible the aunt and uncle want to go this weekend because YOU are going OP? So they will have someone to speak to?

Original poster

Scarlett555 · 06/06/2019 20:34

Yes they do seem to want to see me and DD too. They are both retired so it's not like they have work commitments so I'm not sure why else they have chosen this specific weekend.

OP posts:

Antigon · 06/06/2019 20:39

So you're going to spend all that time and money to entertain your aunt and uncle instead of doing what you want to do and spend the time with your mum. That's so unfair.

I worry that you will regret not spending this time with your mum in years to come. Do you normally have a good relationship with your aunt? Can you call her to explain that you have made plans for the weekend but that you're happy to organise the next weekend to include aunt and uncle?

It's very selfish for them to say that they can only do this weekend. If they're retired, they can go and see your DM during the week.

category12 · 06/06/2019 20:40

Can't you all go out together following your plan?

Bluetrews25 · 06/06/2019 20:45

You might find it easier if they are there. You may be sad to see how your DMum is, and they could be a support for you and DD. Likewise, you can be a support for them.
You all obviously care about your DMum to undertake this amount of travelling. It's not a competition, enjoy the time together, and support each other. You are family, and this is a stressful time for you all.

Waterfallgirl · 06/06/2019 20:46

I don’t think they are being selfish, and nor are you. I agree with @saraclara though splitting the time between you might work. I can’t help thinking your DD willl want some time just with you, as she probably won’t understand being there with your DM for 12 hours a day.

PeoniesarePink · 06/06/2019 20:48

I think what you've got planned is going to completely overwhelm your DM let alone adding more visitors in, and I mean that kindly.

I'd be guided by the care staff as to how much your DM can cope with, to be honest. I worked in care for many years and having any change to regular routine can be exhausting and overwhelming for someone with dementia.

Antigon · 06/06/2019 20:49

I suspect people who are happy to railroad their niece into having their company are unlikely to provide much support to OP.

It's also possible they will expect OP to change her plans for the day out to accommodate them.

Namechangeishard · 06/06/2019 20:49

Already booked tomorrow as leave and spent £115 on train tickets!

And your DMs sister has spent money on a hotel but she didn’t tell you to go a different weekend. I understand it’s disappointing if you planned to have DM to yourself but I imagine, as you had shared the calendar, that maybe they wanted to see you too? or maybe they feel visiting DM alone is more difficult?
I know I won’t visit DGM with dementia without my DM because I find it too upsetting.

notacooldad · 06/06/2019 20:51

Isn’t this a time for generosity and joining together?
This.
I dont think this is the time to cause a family upset regardless of who is 'right'
Could they entertain your child for a bit while you have some 1:1 time with your mum.

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