To have told my aunt to stay away

[Scarlett555]

Prepared to be told I am being precious. I am pregnant which may be making me so upset.

My DM had fairly advanced Alzheimers. She knows who I am most of the time, but not always. She only occasionally recognises my DD.

She has recently moved to a care home at the opposite end of the country (near my siblings). It's a 6 hour drive or 3 trains. A mission of a journey with a pre-schooler.

Me and DD (age 3) have planned a trip up to see her this weekend. Lots of lovely things planned for the three of us to do, but today I receive an email from my aunt and uncle (mum's sister) saying they are also planning on visiting this weekend. I replied asking her nicely if she could make it a different time so we can space out the visits to my DM and she replied a breezy reply saying 'hotel already booked, looking forward to seeing you.'

I replied again, explicitly saying I wanted to have the weekend with my Mum and DD as it was probably the last time DM would know who we are... no reply yet. Now questioning whether I am being u. Aunt lives fairly far away from DM - probably 3-4 hour drive.

And your DMs sister has spent money on a hotel but she didn’t tell you to go a different weekend

OP has already said that her visit has been in the shared calendar for ages and that her aunt only booked the hotel today. The aunt would have no right to tell OP to go on a different weekend.

Having had an aunt who suffered with vascular dementia for a few years before she died I would say that YABU.
It will be a stressful visit for both you and your DD. I would guess that your aunt knows hows stressful and hopes to mitigate it for you and DD.
It will be a much better visit all round with more people there.Your dear Mum will still be the focus of all of your attentions and you can chat to her as much as you want but you will also be able to really look at her and enjoy seeing her with her own sister and granddaughter. They can take photos of you 3 and vice verse. Her sister can help her with names and places of shes still able to speak.
PLease see it as a positive thing OP. Im sure it was planned with your best interests at heart.

You don’t have a monopoly on your mother’s time, her sister has just as much right to be there too. You never know, it might be good to have the pressure taken off a little with your aunt there, and it’s good to share the emotional burden of it all with others.

I can totally understand your feelings but I think perhaps YAB a little U. Your aunt is also probably desperate to see her sister and it sounds like it's difficult for her to visit too. I'm really sorry to hear about your mum OP.

My mil had dementia. She could only cope with short visits, and she’d say to dh, ‘isn’t it time you were going?’ Or ‘it’s been lovely to see you but I have things to do’ after about an hour, and that was that. When her dementia advanced she didn’t like any changes to her routine.

Enjoy seeing your mum and your aunt and uncle.

@Scarlett555

Tell your aunt and uncle clearly that you already have plans with your mum this weekend, they’re welcome to join but need to make their own arrangements to do so.
Say you’re sorry if that’s inconvenient but it’s been marked on the family calendar for weeks.

Dear A&U
Lovely that you’ve decided to see mum this weekend - i’m Sure she'll Be pleased to see you. However it’s a bit tricky as we already have plans together that have been booked for several weeks as per the online family calendar. Its a shame that you aren’t able to change this last-minute visit so that mum has company over two different weekends now that you’ve booked it, but i’m Sure that you’ll understand that equally we aren’t able to change the longstanding plans we have in place now that you’ve decided to come too. It’s a shame but there it is!

We’ll be out of the house at xxxx from xx to xx but we’ll look forward to seeing you in Sunday for lunch at xxx if that suits. Hope that you have a lovely weekend, please do use the calendar online, or alternatively feel free to give me a ring to coordinate future visits
Best
Scarlett555

It might be better for your mum’s sister to have regular visits actually while she’s still there mentally - have found in my experience of dementia with my nan, that they do remember the people they grew up with the longest; but it’s so, so traumatic to see someone you grew up with regress to a child-like state.

Are you sure your Mother would tackle being taken out for the day? I have had a few relations with Alzheimers and by the time it was fairly advanced, there is no way they would have managed that.

This seems a time to pull together.

They can take DD out so you can have some 1-on-1 time with your mum.

Tbh I think you’re being very optimistic thinking it won’t be too much for either your. Mum or DD to spend all that time together. It’s tiring.

This is very tricky and it sounds like neither side can cancel.
I also agree with the pp who said your DM may not be able to take things in long tranches of time and you may need to break it up a bit.

HOwever, although there are more constraints than you would have liked I think you may have to say quite firmly to your Aunt that you want at least some one on one time with your DM and DD, even if its just an hour.. so that at least you are able to achieve part of your plan... t might even be a good thing that your Aunt is there. My DF recognised older relatives more quickly that he recognised me.
TBH.. a big outing might not have worked...and it might have made your DM very tired, really depends on what the carers advise. I wish you all the very best with this journey and hope that you can achieve a reasonable compromise that your DM will enjoy. I am sure it will be a big comfort to also be able to spend time with your lovely DD.

Either it'd be easier having other people to chat to or they're taking away from you're time. You have to decide.
Take her out early for the day and tell her home what time she'll be back to see your aunt etc. Or all go out. I wouldn't worry about being thoughtful, they didn't take account of what you wanted. You'll only get this time once.

OP - please don't send the email suggested above - it's horribly impersonal, and massively passive aggressive.

If your mums Alzheimers is quite advanced, is it possible your aunt has chosen this weekend so it's more a strength in numbers? Having been in a similar situation myself, I was always glad of the extra support after a couple of hours. It can be really quite hard.

I understand it’s disappointing if you planned to have DM to yourself but I imagine, as you had shared the calendar, that maybe they wanted to see you too?

When you want to see someone, don’t you normally tell them first? And check off they are happy with that instead of imposing yourself?

I suspect the aunt is dreading to see her sister and is the one looking for support.

Another one saying don't send that suggested email.

Wait until you're there. Be easy and comfortable with your aunt, but (in person) ask her if you could arrange things so that you have someone on one time with your mum. She will probably appreciate having some time alone with her too.

It's interesting in my MIL's case, that the last person she ceased to recognise was her sister, and hers was the last name she retained too. Long after she'd forgotten her daughter. That shared childhood, or the earliest memories were the most retained. They used to sit and sing their childhood songs together well after my MIL had lost the ability to talk. It's been very moving for us all to watch their loving relationship, and my SIL hasn't been remotely resentful of it.

You may just all benefit from seeing your mum together. It’s tough on all of you to have lengthy visits - there’s only so much conversation that you can have with someone who is in & out of lucidity. Being with your aunt will mean that your child will be entertained & your mum will enjoy listening to the conversation going on & be able to join in too.

My dad had presenile dementia & was in a home at 58. He used to love just surrounded by family having ordinary conversations- nothing too intense, just chatting & holding his hands. Relax & enjoy your time together

Are you sure your Mother would tackle being taken out for the day? I have had a few relations with Alzheimers and by the time it was fairly advanced, there is no way they would have managed that

I was also going to ask this. Someone with advanced Alzheimer’s may well get very distressed by this.

user Xpost.

The problem is that the aunt might find strength in number. But the OP doesn’t.
Again, you don’t assume those things,, even less so when the person is telling you explicitly they want some time alone. You don’t impose yourself.

The good thing with that scenario is that they are unlikely to stay for the whole day. And they are likely to take the lead from the Op.

Having been 'there' can I suggest that having other family members around to 'share' your visit will be a massive plus!

Sending that email may make things worse, not better.

Your aunt is bound to be as upset about DM as you are. And she will be thinking it's the last time DM will know who she is, just as you are.

This is an opportunity to comfort each other, to share the load and the pain together. Take it. And if she and your uncle offer to take DGD out, grab it with both hands.

I have a parent with alzheimers too. We drive a long way for a one hour visit as that is all he can manage. If other relatives are around we go to a Costa or for lunch etc and catch up, and sometimes we also take him. I cannot see the big deal about more people being there who also care for their relative.
No visitors would be a much sadder situation.
Be kind to your aunt.

Thanks all for the replies. My DM really enjoys going out, she copes very well as long as she feels safe. She is past understanding that she has dementia and although she can't communicate much any more she is generally very cheerful. It shouldn't be a stressful or upsetting visit.

I have had quite a lengthy email exchange with my uncle and we have agreed that me, DM and DD will do our trip on Saturday as planned and be back at the care home by mid afternoon so he and my aunt can spend some time with her as well on Sat. I don't want to cause any kind of stress or dramas so it just seems easier this way.

They have very firmly said they are seeing Mum Sunday morning. Our train back is at midday so I guess we'll just have to share the time on Sunday.

Given you set up the rota and booked in advance I think they're being massively selfish well done to you for working it out so well with them hope you have a lovely weekend with your mum xxx

@Scarlett555 - I'm sure I'd feel exactly as you do; I would have been looking forward to spending this precious time with my wonderful Mum and DD, only to feel that it had been selfishly 'gate-crashed' by an Aunt - who, quite honestly, could have chosen any other weekend to visit.

I think you've done incredibly well to deal with it so amicably (certainly compared to the directions it could have gone!) and I'm pleased to hear that you'll still get your trip out on Saturday.

Try not to let this blight your visit - make the most of this special, precious time; I'm sure you will.

That sounds like a good solution OP. Shane that they won’t back down but not much you can do I guess.

To other posters - yes the email might be passive aggressive but having relatives invade your own plans and personal time when you've expressly said you’d rather they came at a different time is also pretty aggressive and rude.

I suspect the Aunt is using the OP being there as a chance to visit her sister with other family there to ‘dilute’ the pressure. I.e Aunt is thinking what is easier for herself not what is best for OP or OP’s mum. This way Aunt gets to tick the ‘caring Sister’ Box with none of the pressure of visiting alone. She’s making things harder for the OP and her mum, not easier, so not sure why she deserves particular consideration since she’s clearly Not willing to reciprocate.

Thank you! TheRealKimmy

And some good advice. My aunt can be quite overbearing and tends to take over, but at least we have Saturday.