To have told my aunt to stay away

[Scarlett555]

Prepared to be told I am being precious. I am pregnant which may be making me so upset.

My DM had fairly advanced Alzheimers. She knows who I am most of the time, but not always. She only occasionally recognises my DD.

She has recently moved to a care home at the opposite end of the country (near my siblings). It's a 6 hour drive or 3 trains. A mission of a journey with a pre-schooler.

Me and DD (age 3) have planned a trip up to see her this weekend. Lots of lovely things planned for the three of us to do, but today I receive an email from my aunt and uncle (mum's sister) saying they are also planning on visiting this weekend. I replied asking her nicely if she could make it a different time so we can space out the visits to my DM and she replied a breezy reply saying 'hotel already booked, looking forward to seeing you.'

I replied again, explicitly saying I wanted to have the weekend with my Mum and DD as it was probably the last time DM would know who we are... no reply yet. Now questioning whether I am being u. Aunt lives fairly far away from DM - probably 3-4 hour drive.

The email above might not work for you OP but I think as your mum’s condition progresses you may need to be prepared to be firm with your aunt to avoid her railroading you and your mum
Good luck

I'm glad it's been worked out, OP. Hopefully there won't be too much ill-feeling, and that next time the aunt will think through their visits more carefully.

This is hard for everyone. I think a lot of posters are ascribing motives to the aunt that may well not be the case. Presumably she loves her sister, just as OP loves her mum. I know MIL's sister enjoys and needs the contact with MIL. She phones her every week (she can only visit when one of us can take her) even though MIl can't speak and doesn't really know who's on the end of he phone. The staff help MIL hold the phone and her sister talks and sings to her. It's very moving.

You could always get to the care home first on Sunday....
I also think they're being selfish. You wanted to spend time with your mum. If they want to see you they can visit you.

I am trying to be chilled about it but I keep feeling really irritated at Aunt and Uncle. They must know it's overwhelming for Mum to have too many visitors, when she struggles to remember people and keep conversations going. Doesn't help that the weather is bad so we can't go to the park etc.

What annoys me is they have access to the Google calendar so they know Mum is only getting one other visit in June - there are only 3 days in the whole month Mum is seeing family and they have decided to come on the 2 days I am with her.

My aunt has a gmail account so she probably received a notification yesterday that my trip was coming up.

I sent a round robin email to all the family this morning reminding them to use the calendar to book in visits so Mum is regularly seeing people without being overwhelmed by lots of people coming at once. Probably a bit passive aggressive, nobody has replied.

YABU. Your aunt is presumably your mum's sister? She has as much right to see her as you do. It sounds like she is having to travel too if she's staying in a hotel and is all booked. It would be really, really awful and unacceptable if you tell her to 'stay away'. i can sort of understand why you're upset (I think I'd feel different - my grandmother has Alzheimer's and I find it much easier to visit her with other family there, otherwise I can get quite overwhelmed or emotional) but of course everyone is entitled to their own feelings and opinions and I'm not trying to undermine yours - everyone deals with these things in a different way. My concern is that you can't try to bully your aunt into not seeing her sick relative because you want her all to yourself! Especially if she's all booked and paid too.

I don’t think you’re BU they have known for a while you were planning to visit your mum and could have asked you first then booked for the following weekend. It’s understandable they want to see her too and maybe spend time with you and dd, but they could have discussed it first. I’d be quite hurt and want one on one time with my mother without aunt and uncle in this situation. Can you make arrangements with them that you spend the Saturday with her and they spend Sunday or vice Versa, then maybe a meal together in the evenings so you aren’t together all day. Tell them how you feel on the day so it doesn’t happen again.

OP are you sure you’re not translating distress over your mother into irritation towards your aunt?

You’ve presumably had your mother your whole life (as has her sister). Why this urgent possesiveness now? This need to spend every minute alone with her does seem a little unreasonable. And really, who cares about a blessed Google calendar? It’s not going to make your mother better.

Please try to let this anger go. Presumably you want to have some (good) relationship with your aunt in the future? I’m sure things are very stressful but you are building resentment for years to come. Your mother can’t be divided up. Stop trying to do so.

@GeorgeTheBleeder - that's a bit unfair to the OP. She has stated that her visit has been planned for a while and it was only yesterday that the aunt and uncle decided to make the visit on the same weekend as the OP. They have all got access to the shared calendar and the OP has said that her mum gets overwhelmed when she gets too many visitors. Having the shared calendar would mean that people could plan their visits so that the OP's mum is not overwhelmed by visitors.
Urgent possessiveness - that's harsh.
I think your entire post while probably meaning to come from a good place reads as less than helpful to the OP at this point and comes across as very harsh.

Tbh if I were you I’d of gone out of my way to prevent the visit. They can visit another time instead of during your time, I’d of also let the care home know not to allow them in during this weekend.

Spend the day with your DM on Saturday.. don't rush back mid afternoon just to suit them. As long as your DM is not too tired l would aim for 4pm.
They are being very very selfish

I have a sister and a neice.

If my neice had a pre-planned visit to see my sister and asked me not to go and go another weekend AND I was retired and able to go any other time I would.

I am confused how anyone can say OP is being unreasonable.

The aunt is retired and only decided to go today?

I think you did the right thing by saying to check calendar in future OP, let's hope everyone works together to choose different dates so your mum isn't inundated with visits from family.

I am a (somewhat ancient) daughter, a sister and an aunt - I have been as gentle as I can be.

But a Google calendar set up by the OP is not the law. And I do not think it is reasonable, at this time, for her to waste her energy on restricting other close family member’s access to her mother.

I would not be bringing my dm back by lunchtime just because your aunt has tried to change the plans.
I would see how she was enjoying herself and when she seemed tired/ ready to go home then I would take her back. Whether that be before or after lunch as long as it suit dm that's all that matters.
And your aunt my be overbearing but you have more rights than her. Please don't feel pushed out/ awkward on a special rare visit.

Any chance her sister wants to see her sister too when it could be the last chance to see her while she's still relatively capable of recognising her?
Can't you also use it to share the emotional burden a bit? It must be really exhausting to be in a close company of someone with Alzheimer 24/7, even for a day or two. The proximity of your aunt could help you a bit.

I dont think you're being unfair or bu, OP. Your Aunt knew of your visit and is being a selfish arse by booking at the same time when she knew you would be there. They are retired and likely have no other commitments they can't reschedule.

She might be her sister but you are her own child. You and your siblings take priority in this instance and I'd be pretty hacked off if my aunt did the same to me.

I can understand why you want to spend some one to one time with your mother.

Have you actually called the train company to see if you can change the tickets? Some are flexible, and then you could change the weekend.

Otherwise I think I would send a message back to your aunt and uncle to say how much you are looking forward to seeing them too, so that it isn't awkward when you get there. You can explain in person that you feel it might be the last time your mum recognises you, and this is making you feel sad.

I would get to the care home super early with a takeaway breakfast your mother, you and dd and then at least you would have had a shared time together before they arrive. Arrange in advance with the home if you need to. I would do the same at the end of the day. Wave them off at the end of the day and return for a nightcap with your mother.

Don't fall out over this, it is isn't worth it.

Thank you everyone, good to know some think I am not being completely u.

We actually managed to get an earlier train today and had a lovely hour with my Mum this afternoon, so feeling much less aggrieved.