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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He cancelled and know I feel like an idiot

84 replies

Milliemoohead · 06/06/2019 18:25

I was speaking to someone OLD for a while, and arranged to meet up a distance from my house. He was travelling over and so we where going to an Airbnb

I kinda fussed around and kept saying I would book it on the day etc.

He went distance last night and has just text me saying he's "not really feeling it anymore" and "maybe another time"

I honestly feel like such an idiot. I got my hair done today and was really excited. I just replied "ah okay"

I don't have a aibu just feel like an idiot

OP posts:
BorisBadunov · 06/06/2019 19:45

I opened the thread because I was wondering just how old the guy was.

MoominMantra · 06/06/2019 19:50

He should definitely book it and pay. Because it shows he actually cares. I know that's not technically correct blah blah but in my personal experience, men who won't offer to pay for a first date (and I do only mean a first date) are mean / self centred and possibly mean emotionally has well. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op, now that I've read your other messages I think it's possible he's worried he won't be able to get it up because of being nervous. Or he might not be like his pictures. If he might be married (loads of attached people on OLD)

It's ok to have casual sex but you should always meet them first and try to vet their background. Or you could end up with Ted Bundy!

AuntMarch · 06/06/2019 19:51

Sorry it didn't work out OP- OLD rarely tends to come up with the goods straight away.
Better that he was honest now though. Don't take it personally there could be any number of reasons but the blunt truth it he doesn't have to explain them more than he has done, just like you wouldn't if shoe was on the other foot.

Why is everyone being so judgy about a potential one night stand/hook up though?

Whether or not the OP regrets that set up or not is another matter, but don't pretend that nobody ever goes for more than a coffee.

OP if you want to meet someone for a shag that's up to you. If you'd have been upset if that happened and then contact stopped though, take your time. A LOT of people use online dating without actually wanting to do much dating.

GabsAlot · 06/06/2019 19:55

I arranged to meet my dh when we'd never met before and i stayed the night with him stupid i know it was 20 years ago but still he could have been ayone

Spanielmadness · 06/06/2019 19:56

rainbowknickers I’m glad you met your DP afterwards, but if you waited for 4 hours and date never showed, he had binned you off before you got the chance to do any binning! 🤣

MrsGrindah · 06/06/2019 20:00

Moomin , I can’t agree with you I’m afraid. Booking and paying could have equally shown control . Who pays for what is irrelevant when deciding if you feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone the first time you meet them.

Original poster
Milliemoohead · 06/06/2019 20:03

He said he'd pay but was worried I would cancel so said for me to book it in my name and when we met up he would give me the cash... Ha, its all looking like a lucky escape the more I write

OP posts:
ShowMeTheKittens · 06/06/2019 20:11

I thought you meant he was old... I have done a it of online dating. It is frustrating and rather inevitable. You could be talking to Jenny from Harrogate or a dog. I never arranged anything as terrifyingly inappropriate as meeting a stranger in an air b and b.
That sort of guy would not care much about your hair!

MoominMantra · 06/06/2019 20:11

No way, what a cheek. Op, don't hook up with someone without having met them at least once or twice. You could end up with someone who does sexual things you don't like!

HowDidItEndUpLikeThis · 06/06/2019 20:14

Do not commit to sex with a guy you haven’t even met - you are worth more than that.

I’m not a pearl clutcher but he needs to earn your affection- & vice versa.

Smelborp · 06/06/2019 20:21

Writing to someone is so different to meeting someone. You may well have not been attracted to him at all. It was a lucky escape.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 06/06/2019 20:29

Classic errors.
He needs to come to your town, none of this met in the middle shit. That way he takes the risk if it goes belly up not you.
Don’t give too much away to soon. The smell of desperation is not attractive to anyone. Even if it is just sex it’s not actually that sexy is it.
Get back out there and better luck with the next one.

EmeraldShamrock · 06/06/2019 20:40

You're right, it was a lucky escape, miserable tight wad, at least you saved a few quid. Smile
Forget him OP everything for a reason, next time before you arrange an over night make sure you meet up first, Imagine it was all booked, he turned up, filthy stinking never mind a murderer.
Whatever happened to friends of friends organising hook ups. Smile

RhiWrites · 06/06/2019 20:55

A first date should be a coffee and nothing else.

Okay, I’m going to challenge this. It’s perfectly acceptable to meet strangers for sex and Tinder (for example) is full of this kind of hookup.

There’s no shame in liking and wanting sex or sending sexually explicit messages to people you meet online. These things are common and can be very sex positive. Don’t feel ashamed OP.

But, think about a plan to stay safe. Research what others do in this situation. Always have an exit plan. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you don’t want.

Boundaries are important. For your physical and mental health. But the focus should be on how you get what you want (sex, romance, love, a nice time, whatever) in a safe, consensual and mindful way.

Treat this as a chance to think again about that.

letsdolunch321 · 06/06/2019 21:07

Possibly he could be in a relationship and getting his kicks (not that it is normal) from dating sites. Sad twat.

Lucky escape I would say

BlueJava · 06/06/2019 21:48

There are a lot ppl being critical of OP for her lack of boundaries etc. I met DP online 24 years ago before there were dating sites and apps. We met on a newsgroup, I travelled 4 hours by coach to stay with him having never met him in real life and slept with him on the evening we met. 24 years later we are still together and have 2 teenage children. It can happen - not saying it's wise - but it can work!

oneforthepain · 06/06/2019 22:23

Whilst it's great that there are people who've had positive, safe outcomes from this kind of scenario, I would be wary of being lulled into a false sense of security by those tales.

The women who ended up being seriously assaulted in the same scenario aren't anywhere near as likely to post their traumatic stories on this thread as those for whom everything turned out brilliantly - but that doesn't mean it's rare, or a risk worth taking.

Original poster
Milliemoohead · 06/06/2019 22:51

he's since text saying sorry he was feeling "ill" before and now wants to meet up, and sent a screenshot of somewhere he has booked ...

I smell a relationship.

OP posts:
carrotflinger · 06/06/2019 23:56

Tell him you're "not feeling it any more" and then block and ignore.
I also think it sounds like he is in a relationship

DesperadoDan · 07/06/2019 08:04

Really op, really????
Are you that desperate?
If i had arranged to meet somebody for sex and they cancelled claiming ‘they wasn’t feeling it’ they wouldn’t get a second bloody chance.
I don’t mean this as harsh as it sounds but get some respect for yourself and your body.

TheRedBarrows · 07/06/2019 08:28
Shock

No, no, no OP!

I smell bullshit.

His other date fell through.

“He said he'd pay but was worried I would cancel so said for me to book it in my name and when we met up he would give me the cash... Ha, its all looking like a lucky escape the more I write”

Hold that thought! The lucky escape thoughts! He totally de-risked this, down to getting you to pay Shock

Or, sorry, when you say “I smell relationship “ dud you mean he is married? Because actually you could have hit the nail in the head there.

Miles away from home, on /off, cash payment so nothing to see on bank statements......

MoominMantra · 07/06/2019 09:16

Definitely don't go now. I had a situation where someone did this to me (normal date) kept cancelling then saying 'ooh sorry' and I found out in the end that he was a cat fish which is why he wouldn't meet me. A week after I stopped speaking to him on the dating site, all of his photos got replaced by a completely different set of a totally different guy!!

EmeraldShamrock · 07/06/2019 09:30

My only concern with meeting randomly to meet up, is you can't smell someone online check they've clean finger nails and ears. Envy
At least after a coffee you can leave or he smells good book in somewhere.
At least in a nightclub you get to reasonably see the goods.
I am out of touch with tinder but I'd have to spend time with them before I'd book a bed
again to check him out, photos lie. Just MO.

EleanorReally · 07/06/2019 09:33

do what you feel is comfortable op

Pinkvoid · 07/06/2019 09:51

You have to have incredibly thick skin when it comes to online dating, set backs like this always happen and you need to be better prepared for it. Just block him and move onto the next.

I wouldn’t suggest air bnb for a first date, what would’ve happened if you’d hated him in person?

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