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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a bad mother?

75 replies

JammyGem · 06/06/2019 18:15

DD is 7 months old and although a very easy baby there are of course moments when she cries and nothing seems to calm her.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and really struggle. DH works really long hours so isn't around, and I have depression and anxiety so can struggle at the best of times. On a handful of occasions I've put her down safe in her cot and then gone for a walk around the houses. I'm only gone 5 minutes at the most, and it gives me the headspace I need to be able to deal with the crying. It's only happened a handful of times, when I've been unable to cope and having a mini breakdown, and it just gives me the moment away to regain myself and look after her.

After reading that thread about the mum leaving her baby at home while doing the school run, I'm wondering whether I'm a terrible mother and scared now that if someone ever saw me and reported then she'd be taken away.

Am I a terrible mother? Should I be getting help? 99% of the time I can cope, it's only been about 4 times since she was born but now I'm second guessing whether I'm fit to look after her?

OP posts:

PenguinWings · 06/06/2019 18:19

Of course you're not a bad mother. But I would suggest maybe just going out of the front of your house, or in the garden if you have one. Just so that you can have some fresh air but you are still able to respond in an emergency.

Alfiesmom15 · 06/06/2019 18:21

No you are not a bad mother at all and dont ever think it.... once after my son was born I was tired irritable and it was a long two nights and he just wouldn't stop crying, I put him in his cot went down stairs had a little cry (I was exhausted) composed myself and went back up.... afterwards I had a word with my midwife because like you I felt guilty and she said that makes you a good mom because you recognised you needed a minute... its ok to get stressed it's a tough job being a full time mom especially to a dryer we all just need a minute sometimes especially on little sleep.

NoSauce · 06/06/2019 18:22

No you’re not. As long as she safe in her cot you’re ok to take a few minutes out, away from her. Have you seen your Gp for your depression and anxiety?

Do you get any time off?

grumpyyetgorgeous · 06/06/2019 18:23

No you're not a bad mother, babies are overwhelming at times.
That said, please don't leave your baby alone in the house, she's 7 months now and will be getting stronger and more mobile. Accidents can happen in the blink of an eye. Try just going downstairs or into a different room or the garden, rather than out round the houses.

AphidEater · 06/06/2019 18:23

Just outside your house would be better than a walk around the houses, just in case there was an emergency.

You sound really overwhelmed. Would the be any prospect of you getting some better help?

Soulsista14 · 06/06/2019 18:24

Of course it’s ok to take some time away when you’re stressed especially if you have no outside help at all. I certainly wouldn’t recommend leaving the house though. Can’t you shut the doors and have a cup of tea in the kitchen? You’ll have to find another way to take some time out without leaving the house.

herculepoirot2 · 06/06/2019 18:24

You are clearly struggling. See your HV or GP and find out what support might be available.

Divgirl2 · 06/06/2019 18:25

You're doing great! You recognise when you're overwhelmed, you put the baby in a safe place, and you stay within a close distance while you gather yourself.

Bad mother's don't do that - they scream at the baby or hurt the baby or leave the baby and go away from where they could reasonably hear them.

It can be so overwhelming in the early days but you absolutely sound like you're doing your best. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes.

IvanaPee · 06/06/2019 18:25

You’re not a terrible mother but you can’t keep leaving your baby and walking around the houses!

You need some support, OP.

TheRealShatParp · 06/06/2019 18:27

Sounds like you’re having a tough time, OP.
Babies can be really tough and getting some space away is he best thing you can do sometimes. But, I agree with some other posters, please don’t leave your house in this situation unless it’s the back/front garden.

user87382294757 · 06/06/2019 18:28

No you are fine. In fact my Health Visitor advised me to do the same if things got too much. It was that the other person left the baby alone in the house so could be unsafe. You aren't doing that

EAIOU · 06/06/2019 18:29

You're definitely not a bad mother. Babies are going through separation anxiety at this stage. They have also started to learn new skills.

It is really overwhelming for them and their care giver especially when they cannot be consoled.

Mines cried for a couple of days just before she started rolling front to back! Could be a new skill coming up or she just needs her familiar face.

You are NOT a bad mother. No-one ever said it was easy and you're doing right by taking a few minutes out of the scene.

Has she got a favourite toy or something you can distract her with?

user87382294757 · 06/06/2019 18:29

Thought you meant around the house. if it is around the block of houses that is a bit different.

herculepoirot2 · 06/06/2019 18:29

It was that the other person left the baby alone in the house so could be unsafe. You aren't doing that

Just to clarify, the OP said she goes for a walk “around the houses”, not the house. This means she leaves the house and walks round the block.

Stifledlife · 06/06/2019 18:30

I remember that feeling.

You did what a loving mother would do.. you made sure the baby was safe, and not in need, and the got out of Dodge!

Women that can't walk away end up losing it, and that when shaken babies or worse happens.
You are human, sleep deprived and pushed to the very limit of endurance.

Take a moment. Breathe. You'll be fine.

Original poster

JammyGem · 06/06/2019 18:31

This is the thing - if I dont have the time out then I'm sure I'll start shouting and screaming at her.

I'm on meds for my depression and have gone though a course of CBT. I just seem to struggle when I've not had a break from looking after her for a couple of weeks - DH's job means he looks after her without me for a couple of hours a week, apart from that I look after her 24/7. Thankfully he is starting new job soon so this'll change.

Our house is tiny and I can hear her no matter where I am (I really feel for our neighbours when she's having her moments!) but maybe sitting in the garden with a cup of tea is safer than walking.

OP posts:

Needadvices · 06/06/2019 18:31

YABU babies cry for a reason. Only 7 months old u already had to do it a few times smt is wrong

Original poster

JammyGem · 06/06/2019 18:33

If someone saw me leave without her and then reported me, would she be taken away?

OP posts:

DragonflyInn · 06/06/2019 18:33

I've put her down safe in her cot and then gone for a walk around the houses. I'm only gone 5 minutes at the most

Mixed responses here op, I think because some people are reading it that you go for a walk around your house. If I’m reading it right and you actually leave the house and go round the nearby streets, I’d agree with pp who suggested just going to the doorstep or into the garden.

hidinginthenightgarden · 06/06/2019 18:34

You are right to put baby sfae in cot and walk away but do not leave the house. Shut the door to the babies room and go down stairs. Do some deep breathing (having a dance or a sing helps me) and then go back to your baby.

herculepoirot2 · 06/06/2019 18:34

JammyGem

It sounds like you are having a very hard time. Nobody is blaming you. However, your baby mustn’t be left unattended in the house and I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t say that SS would take a dim view. It may be that you would benefit from support. Nobody is going to remove a child whose parent is trying their best and listening to advice about guidelines.

Celebelly · 06/06/2019 18:35

Noise-cancelling headphones, music or podcast on, sit in garden.

Original poster

JammyGem · 06/06/2019 18:36

@Needadvices But sometimes she just cries and cries and nothing helps to calm her - shes not hungry or tored, her nappy doesnt need changing, and nothing seems to distract her. I feel like such a failure when I don't know why she's crying.

OP posts:

Celebelly · 06/06/2019 18:37

Also leaving her to cry for five minutes four times in seven months won't do any harm. Plenty of non firstborn children are left to their own devices for longer than that out of necessity.

Original poster

JammyGem · 06/06/2019 18:40

OK I know I mustn't ever leave her again. I'd it ever happens again I'll just go to the garden instead. 99% of the time she's great and so easy and fun to care for, but every now and then she has these moments. She's not a difficult baby, and I don't struggle with her most of the time. In some ways that makes it harder to cope on the rare occasions that she is "difficult".

OP posts:

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