Am I a bad mother?

[JammyGem]

DD is 7 months old and although a very easy baby there are of course moments when she cries and nothing seems to calm her.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and really struggle. DH works really long hours so isn't around, and I have depression and anxiety so can struggle at the best of times. On a handful of occasions I've put her down safe in her cot and then gone for a walk around the houses. I'm only gone 5 minutes at the most, and it gives me the headspace I need to be able to deal with the crying. It's only happened a handful of times, when I've been unable to cope and having a mini breakdown, and it just gives me the moment away to regain myself and look after her.

After reading that thread about the mum leaving her baby at home while doing the school run, I'm wondering whether I'm a terrible mother and scared now that if someone ever saw me and reported then she'd be taken away.

Am I a terrible mother? Should I be getting help? 99% of the time I can cope, it's only been about 4 times since she was born but now I'm second guessing whether I'm fit to look after her?

You cannot leave her in the house by herself, no.

Yes, i think if social services found out you were doing it on a regular basis they would want to talk to you about your ability to look after her and keep her safe because it’s a really risky thing to do and to do a lot.

Leaving her in the cot whilst you go downstairs for 5 mins = fine.
Leaving her whilst you leave the house = very much not fine.

I think you need an honest chat with your health visitor and / or your GP.

You are not a failure. Babies sometimes cry for no reason. You feed them, check their nappy, temperature, change positions, rock them, etc. If you have done all you can, they’re just crying.

perhaps buy some wax ear plugs. they're really good at blocking noise.

Yes Jammy, SS could get involved if someone reports you leaving your baby home alone.
Doesn't mean she will taken from you though. SS do actually work hard to keep babies with their families. Once you explained what was happening and reassurred them you wouldn't continue you would be left to continue parenting.
Why risk it though?

All babies cry for long periods of time, it's normal. It can be frustrating, but they're not babies for long. I had twins and they were both in casts for hip issues from 4 months, from chests to ankles. They cried a lot! Sometimes I had to take a deep breath and go outside and slam a door or something! But it is part of being a mother. I don't mean to sound harsh but you really shouldn't walk around the block.

“If someone saw me leave without her and then reported me, would she be taken away?“

That’s the anxiety talking, love. Anyone who saw you leave would assume there was someone else in the house. You do need time out though. Can you ask about local babysitters and arrange for company one afternoon a week so you can go for that walk? Or a relative or friend?

You're not a bad mother. I think you've got the message about not leaving her.

You're right though to find coping mechanisms. Have you tried asking for help from any programmes (eg sure start).

Parenting is hard (even without depression and anxiety thrown into the mix) and you need to look after yourself as part of that parenting package.

Think about what you need (eg I need a break at least once per week). Then think about what you want (eg I'd love a coffee with a friend / playing sport etc) and work out how you can fit some of these things in. Needs cone before wants but you definitely need to sometimes have a want in your life. Hope that makes sense?

You're not a bad mother.
I adore my son but I've sometimes put him safely in his cot or moses basket and taken a few deep breaths, maybe washed my face or left the room for a couple of minutes.
You shouldn't leave a baby alone in the house though, if that's what you're saying. I'm not judging you. It is bloody hard some days. As long as you don't do it again, no harm done.
Please seek some support though. Please see your gp or health visitor. There are some support groups run through sure start, if there is one in your area.
Please don't beat yourself up about it. I sometimes say "the baby stage isn't forever" like a mantra!

You aren't a bad mother at all but you do sound overwhelmed because you are dealing with pnd.
Talk to your GP and get some support. I used to have a recurring intruso thought that I was going to seat my baby in the stove. I knew I wouldn't but it was awful like deep down I could do it.
Giving birth can be really traumatic. I think some of us don't understand just how hard it is to be a Mum and how guilty it can make us feel even if we haven't done anything wrong.
Please talk to your doctor. There are charities that befriend mum's to support them.

Intrusive

If someone saw me leave without her and then reported me, would she be taken away?

I don’t think for a second they would take her away. But they might be concerned. As would I be.

The garden is much safer.

Please see your GP/HV again about this though.

Oh. I misread houses for house. I take it back OP, sorry don’t leave your baby alone in the house.

One of mine used to cry like that and it took me 10 days of walking, holding him with my tears dripping on his head to realise that what he needed was to be put down. To be still. To be able to process before he fell asleep.

They are mysterious things, babies..

My mum used to leave me in a pram at the top of the garden and would leave my brother in the house and go for a walk so you are definitely not on your own.
However it’s not a great idea and if you are struggling now how will you cope in the future? In my experience it gets harder. Have you spoken to the health visitor or gp?

You’ve instinctively done the right thing but maybe in future stay on the pavement outside your house or in the garden. Keep your door in sight.

Lots of books will tell you to go in another room and try to calm down/gather your thoughts etc so you’ve done the right thing just stay a bit closer.

Is she teething? Have you tried bonjela or a teething powder? I'm not convinced a 7 month old who's good most of the time just cries for no reason.

Please don’t leave your baby alone in the house. It only takes a split second for something to happen that you hadn’t thought of. If you are struggling to the point of leaving your baby all alone, then maybe you need to speak to someone to get some support. Babies don’t get easier as they get older, their needs become different, their cries louder and more demanding. If it’s something you are struggling with now, get some help, so you have strategies in place to deal with these. It doesn’t make you a bad mum, it just means that you need a little support.

I really do get that you need those 5 mins but Going to the end of your garden for a bit of time out is preferable x

Bad Mother’s don’t give a shit whether they’re a bad Mum or not, they don’t sit fretting about things.

You’re not a bad Mother but I would suggest going to step outside in the garden in future rather than leaving the premises all together. Trust me, I have been there before and it can be incredibly overwhelming. Being a Mother is not easy.

If she doesn't usually cry but occasionally is inconsolable, she is probably in pain. Try calpol.

Don't leave her alone in the house.

But it's ok to give in to some "bad" habits for few mins every once in a while to calm her down e.g. does she quieten if you pop on the telly for a few mins? While it isn't a great idea to bung a baby in front of the tv all day long, at that age I resorted to 10 or 15 mins of cbeebies on occasion when mine seemed inconsolable. He also likes being sat in front of some colour changing fairy lights we forgot to take down after Xmas!!!

You're not a bad mother but it's really not ok to leave your baby alone.

If walking clears your head stick baby in the pram put some music on with headphones and walk around the block.

Hopefully she'll fall asleep so you can have 5 mins when you get home.

I would suggest speaking to your hv or gp though. You don't need to admit that you've left her if you don't want to just maybe tell them her crying is making you a bit anxious.

I used to put mine in her pram, with reins, and then shut her in the garage and go back into the house.
Only happened once or twice and it was definitely the safest option when I was near to breaking.

She's 38 now.

Mostly my fab next door neighbour would hear her and pop round and ask if I needed a break. She would take her for half an hour or so and then I was ready to face the little shit darling again

Babies dont just cry for no reason, to the pp who said its normal for babies to cry for long periods of time! If they re not hungry and nappy is clean...then u hold them, walk them, try white noises etc etc. Maybe shes overtired or has stomach pain. Man up.(or woman up). Mothering has its difficult moments u just deal with it. And Leaving the house is just bonkers if u really must leave her a minute in a other room, but really would be better to find another coping strategy them shouting at a baby!come on!