Am I a bad mother?

[JammyGem]

DD is 7 months old and although a very easy baby there are of course moments when she cries and nothing seems to calm her.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and really struggle. DH works really long hours so isn't around, and I have depression and anxiety so can struggle at the best of times. On a handful of occasions I've put her down safe in her cot and then gone for a walk around the houses. I'm only gone 5 minutes at the most, and it gives me the headspace I need to be able to deal with the crying. It's only happened a handful of times, when I've been unable to cope and having a mini breakdown, and it just gives me the moment away to regain myself and look after her.

After reading that thread about the mum leaving her baby at home while doing the school run, I'm wondering whether I'm a terrible mother and scared now that if someone ever saw me and reported then she'd be taken away.

Am I a terrible mother? Should I be getting help? 99% of the time I can cope, it's only been about 4 times since she was born but now I'm second guessing whether I'm fit to look after her?

@Needadvices I've taken on board what everyone has said, and have already said I'll only go to the garden if it happens again.

Babies can cry for seemingly no reason, and I'm lucky that the majority of the time I can tell what DD wants. But on occasion, nothing soothes her and if I'm having a bad day I can find this hard to cope with.

I've had a better day today and am feeling a lot stronger mentally and emotionally than when I first posted, and I have to say that I find your posts quite nasty. Way to kick someone when they're down!

Re: crying for no reason -

Babies get headaches, feel nauseous, feel anxiety, stress, boredom, the lot. Just because you can’t see the bad thing doesn’t mean it’s always best to check off the list of needs and then leave the baby

Calpol? Lay down in a dark room together? Put them in the pram for a walk? Show a video on YouTube?

Expand your list OP

My current 'checklist':

Nappy
Milk
Cuddles
Rub her tummy in case of gas
Raspberries
Dummy
Favourite toy
Read story
Play with her - I go through a few different 'games' and action songs
Hold her up so she's standing
Music
Calpol
Teething gel
Teething toys
White noise audio
Rattle
Rocking chair
Hold her tight against my chest
Ewan the sheep
Bath
Funny faces
Kids TV
Walk around the house with her in my arms
Go for a walk outside
Go for a walk with the pram
Turn lights out
Put her in cot
Dance
Fly around like a superhero

There's probably more than I can't think of now... Does anyone have any other ideas I can try?

All of the above have worked at various points if she's upset or grumpy for whatever reason.

Is a cup of water, snack, tv remote with the batteries taken out on your list too?

Sounds pretty bad but sometimes when dc is crying and I can’t figure out what it is I just hold him firmly and he gets frustrated so cries harder for a moment, then when I let go he moves on from what he’s crying about and he calms down because I’m not holding him anymore

She's only just started weaning so not the snack, but I do give her water although she very rarely drinks it.

TV remote is a great idea though! I'll definitely try that

Sometimes giving water just so they can stick their hand in it and splash it for a moment can distract them from their woes long enough to reset their mood - sink works too of course!

One thing you never read in the baby books OP........sometimes babies can be adorable arseholes sent to test us
Don't leave the house, but leaving her to cry is perfectly reasonable while you calm yourself and gather your wits. You've got this x

when my daughter was a baby she would have these moments as well. If my parents were around we found that just them taking her for a few mins and getting her away from us would help as babies can pick up on when we are stressed out and can find it hard for them to calm themselves which in turn keeps the cycle going. If you dont have family around to someone else to help for a few minutes in these moments then take the time you need to relax and calm yourself down and go back to her (as you are) and it will be more helpful for you both. I also agree with just making a cuppa and sitting in the garden for a few mins to catch your breath. Maybe while you are gone you can put some soft gentle music on by her cot to help her sooth herself a bit as well.

Your not a bad DM. Tbh I don't think you should leave the house, if you need to stick her in her pram and walk.
The chances are she would be fine for 3 minutes, if she did vomit, pass out from crying, I get there worst case scenario but what if.
My DS cried all day every day, there was many times I wanted to leave the house but I wouldn't, knowing me I'd lock myself out.
Go back and see your GP.

I just wanted to say I did the same, OP. A very good friend told me that if I ever lost my patience with my baby, she would be safer with me leaving her so that I could calm down. People get all self-righteous about parents that harm their children, but it is better to give us techniques to avoid losing our cool with them.

Headphones?

I had a really bad day with my second DD once. I don't currently have a garden (I live abroad in an apartment) but I really needed to just not hear her cry for a couple of minutes. So I got out my headphones and listened to a piece of music I love. It wasn't as good as silence but it was better than the crying!

Some babies cry a lot. I’ve had a couple. And exhaustion coupled with crying is awful to deal with, I know, but you are the parent and adult and you have a responsibility. Leaving the property IS dangerous. Have a cup of tea with earplugs in? Hang washing out with earplugs in? Two minutes break close by is fine but that’s it. Accidents happen, it’s a fact, and you have to protect your baby from them. (I have a friend who went for a cuppa at neighbour’s house and drinking it could smell smoke - her house burnt down due to a wiring fault and burnt quickly)
Slings and walks have worked well with my criers...also maybe something cold to gnaw on in case of teething pain. (Carrot from the fridge works well)
If you are really struggling you must talk to your gp/health visitor urgently.
If I sound matter of fact please don’t think I don’t understand - I’ve been in floods of tears with mine before - but at the end of the day we have to be close to protect, they are defenceless.

@Coyocan of course we should all develop coping techniques.

But leaving a baby alone in a house while you go for a walk shouldn’t be one of them.

At first I thought you wrote 'walking around the house' as in, inside, and I thought no problem. But if I'm honest, when I read that you're walking around the houseS, and realised you meant like, on your street (unless I'm wrong?) I've got to admit I was pretty shocked. You're not a bad mother and it's normal to want a break but you really can't leave a baby that small while you leave the house to go for a walk, for any amount of time. It's just not worth the risk. Maybe you could seek some help?

I also strongly disagree with the advice that it's better for us to leave our babies when we are stressed because the baby "would be safer with me leaving her so that I could calm down". This isn't good advice. If you need to calm down then I agree with PPs - try headphones for 5 minutes, but be in the house and present because accidents do happen and a baby is NEVER safer without a parent present unless the parent feels like they are so stressed they may become a risk to their child, in which case I'd imagine much more serious help should be sought. Leaving the baby alone in the house is never the answer.

During the times when DS cries with seemingly no reason, I always rather just cuddle him. Even if he still cries - I feel much better and less stressed for knowing he knows I am holding him. Maybe try this approach? Although sometimes I wonder if it’s quite masochistic - perhaps subjecting myself to the upset and noise somehow makes me feel better that he is upset because we are both upset together. I’ve never been able to put him down when crying because it would only make me feel worse that he is more upset without me.

People are dicks, ignore those who say horrible things op. I wouldn't leave the house but I have sat sobbing a few times with ds and it's crap.
My son does cry for no reason, honstly, my mom's had 4 and finds him difficult as he will not settle. He doesn't want a cuddle, doesn't want loves, doesn't want a story or food or milk or anything. He wants to be asleep but doesn't know how. It's exhustinga nd can take 40min of shouting by him for him to give in and sleep no matter how tierd he is. The car doesn't work or walking unless you can spare over an hour. Sometimes I have to hang out the washing in the garden or do washing up while he is in cot as it focuses me away and stops me being upset by him being upset. Could you try that? It clears the mind doing something useful.
Do talk to your health visitor though as this can turn easily into depression etc esp if you have anxiety.
Do you get any help form. Family, babies dad or friends? You need a break ocassionaly if you can get one.

Who has said horrible things?!

Lol at babies don’t cry for no reason. Of course they do! Toddlers do.. adults do... babies do!

People up the thread about baby's don't cry you shouldn't ever leave them. That's awful advice if your struggling to cope.
Enough with the mom guilt. All babies are different.
I really hope you take it easy on yourself op, talk to your hv and get some rl support x

Sometimes babies cry and there's nothing you can do except soothe them and for them to know you are there. Sometimes they can be overstimulated, overwhelmed by something, or just having a bad day, like adults. Sometimes it's just a way of releasing tensions or frustrations of the day when they can't communicate any other way.

www.mother.ly/child/sometimes-babies-cry-just-to-release-stressand-its-good-for-them

Crying isn't some terrible thing that should be avoided at all costs. It's a form of communication and a normal part of being a baby. I have a very easy, placid baby but even she gets upset sometimes and there's no particular reason that I can fathom, she just needs a bit of a cry and then she goes back to her usual self!

It's fine to leave the room momentarily if the child is definitely safe but don't leave the house. Especially not at 7 months because they can suddenly be very mobile.

You say you feel for the neighbours when she's crying. Could you approach each of them and say sorry, baby's only little etc and they may be kind enough to ask if there's anything they can do to help you out. You could then ask if they'd watch the baby for half hour for you occasionally. I'm sure most people would help out a new mum, although by the tone on here sometimes, maybe not.