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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Haircut Drama

98 replies

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 06/06/2019 16:44

I have a terrible relationship with my mother in law and for the past few months now I no longer have any contact with her, she picks up my DS from my partner on a weekend and drops him back off a few hours later, she also has him from 5pm till 7pm every Tuesday when he goes to her house for tea, again we have no contact.

My DS will be one at the end of this month and has the most perfect blonde wild hair which I absolutely adore although I do admit it is starting to get a bit long and uncontrollable but I have never discussed this with my mother in law and neither has my partner. Partners cousin is a hairdresser and while my DS was out on Saturday with my mother in law I got a text from partners cousin saying she couldn't wait to see me and DS later, I text back saying I wouldn't be coming but I was happy mother in law was taking him for a visit and asked her to send me a photo of DS playing with her children as they haven't seen each other for a while. Cousin then replies "I'll do it before his haircut so he's still on a good mood"
My mother in law had arranged with cousin to cut my DS hair and me and my partner had no idea. I made it clear to the cousin under no circumstances was she to touch my sons hair. I'm annoyed that not only was it arranged behind my back but he hasn't had a haircut yet and he's my first child, I want to be the one who takes him for his first haircut and make a fuss of him.
My mother in law has now kicked off saying that I have made a fool out of her in front of her family and I shouldn't undermine her when it comes to her grandson

Am I right to think she's a bloody lunatic?

OP posts:

Namechangeishard · 06/06/2019 17:19

Agree. Cousin text to make sure you knew about the plans for the haircut.

Cannot believe she tried to have first hold in neonatal! I don’t know how you allow her near DS without supervision (or at all)

eddielizzard · 06/06/2019 17:19

Batshit. I wouldn't let him go with her unsupervised anymore.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 06/06/2019 17:20

Pretty sure like other pps that the cousin realised what was going on and was giving you a nod. Fair play to cousin.

Is there any way you can sit your DP down, saying something like I don't want to argue about this, I want to be able to trust DS is fine with your DM, but I'm stuck here. Is there anything you can suggest to make sure these things don't happen again. Put the ball in his court.

Mitzimaybe · 06/06/2019 17:20

Thank the cousin for giving you a heads up.

Stop MIL having any unsupervised contact with DS.

Tell DP he needs to have your back on this.

Want2727 · 06/06/2019 17:22

Will your partner back her on this if he does you have a partner problem

Rafflesway · 06/06/2019 17:22

I disagree that she is batshit crazy!

She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. I would stop the unsupervised contact for the foreseeable future. Your DP can take him for weekly visits.

If he doesn't support you in this then I would also suggest you have a serious DP problem. 😡

fruitbrewhaha · 06/06/2019 17:23

I think the cousin was checking it out too. SHe knows what your MIL is like. MIL may have even told her you didn't know fo the plan.
She can be your ally.

S1naidSucks · 06/06/2019 17:25

What did your partner say?

pigeonscooing · 06/06/2019 17:25

She said you shouldn't undermine her when it comes to her grandson? Your son?

Well that would be the end of unsupervised contact right there. Your DP needs to put his foot down. Hard. And put a stop to this batshit nonsense once and for all.

AdobeWanKenobi · 06/06/2019 17:26

You haven't mentioned what your DH does to back you up here?

pictish · 06/06/2019 17:29

She thinks you shouldn’t undermine her when it comes to her grandson??
She’s an arrogant cow. Tell her to fuck off. Go on.

Billben · 06/06/2019 17:30

she works in the hospital and would change my appointments to suit herself

My jaw dropped at this😱😱😱 There is no way this woman would have my child without me being there.

Meccacos · 06/06/2019 17:30

Your MIL is batshit crazy. Stop allowing contact. I’m shocked for you!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2019 17:30

You need to stop all unsupervised contact. Your ds will soon be older and very possibly hear her slagging of his dm. If you want them to have contact unfortunately you will probably have to be present if your dp cannot see the dynamic.

Scoobydobbywho · 06/06/2019 17:30

What's to stop her going to another hairdresser when she has him for a visit?

agnurse · 06/06/2019 17:32

Really, you should have reported her behaviour under the privacy and health information laws. What she did is likely illegal.

You didn't undermine her or make a fool of her. SHE made a fool of HERSELF.

I would strongly recommend that you and your partner get counselling. His mother's behaviour is grossly abnormal and inappropriate and he needs to see that.

pictish · 06/06/2019 17:32

I know that’s not actually helpful advice at all. But still do it.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/06/2019 17:34

She’s batshit.

Have you mentioned it to your dh yet? If not then I’d rather lay it down, just say your Mum tried to arrange a haircut for dc and you told her not to, then move on.

I suspect that the cousin was prob aware that your mil was being out of order and that you didn’t know she’d arranged for a haircut, hence her text message to you. Glad she did.

I’d also stop solo visitations for your dc and mil.

Likethebattle · 06/06/2019 17:34

I think cousin was checking with you as she probably knew you hadn’t given permission. Let MIL know that you and your husband are the decision makers and can make the decision to cut contact.

Darkcloudsandsunnydays · 06/06/2019 17:36

When you grow up and your children leave home and no longer need you it can be heartbreaking.

Because you cannot let go you hold on to them.

They then leave you.

The Big Silence begins.

It does not have to be like this.

Love overcomes Hate and that is at the end all there is.

pictish · 06/06/2019 17:37

Get your dh to tell her that she made a fool of herself, trying to take his son for a haircut without his or your permission. She looks overbearing and inappropriate...because she was!

Original poster

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 06/06/2019 17:41

At first my DP couldn't see the problem with her taking him for the haircut he said although she should have told us she probably thought she was helping so I explained it to him a different way

Very good friends of our have a DD who I a week older than our son so I asked my partner next time we look after her we should take her and get her hair cut and his reply was "we can't do that, she's not ours"
Exactly!!

He seemed to get it then

He does stand up for me and has had many arguments with his parents about the situation but then when there is no resolution his answer is "but there my parents what do you want me to do, I can't cut them off completely"

His parents are in their 60's and have had some health issues, his mother had a cardiac arrest before I met DP and has a genetic heart condition and high blood pressure, which gets brought up by her every time we argue "I could drop dead tomorrow" is her favourite sentence. She was always desperate for grandchildren, he is the first as DP is one of 2 children and is sister doesn't want children. I don't doubt she loves him I know she would do anything for him but she fights me on everything. When DS was 6 weeks old she did to me she was having problems finding nursery wallpaper for his room in her house, I simply said "well don't worry there's no rush, it's not like he's staying out anytime soon" and her reply was "well we will see about that" she then proceeded to tell the entire family I said she couldn't see him, bear in mind at the time my son had only been out of hospital a few weeks and was having to be woken up every 3 hours through the day and night to be fed as he was so small,surely with all her health problems she would struggle with that??

OP posts:

QueSera · 06/06/2019 17:46

My mother in law has now kicked off saying that I have made a fool out of her in front of her family and I shouldn't undermine her when it comes to her grandson

I don't even know where to begin with this.
What a beastly woman! I'm so sorry that you have to share your little one with her. I only see trouble ahead with her. I would only allow the most minimal visits you can get away with, and only supervised visits, as she seems eager to trample all over normal boundaries and doesn't seem to realise that YOU are the parent, not her. Good luck OP.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/06/2019 17:47

Honestly, slowly cut back on the regular contact.

Original poster

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 06/06/2019 17:49

I have made it clear that as my DS gets older i would never talk badly about her in front of him, but if I ever hear she talks negatively about me in front of him then she will never see him again

OP posts:

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