Will he always be like this?

[fitbitfreak]

New boyfriend of some months .Honest and straight up with me but a mummy's boy so can be spoilt and self obsessed at times. He is generally very sweet. Very popular etc.
He has been honest from the get go that he likes his own company and to spend time on his own regularly. No problem there. He said too that he likes to spend plenty of time on his hobbies and with his friends. He has a large amount of friends and hobbies. I'm happy with that. What I am not happy about is that he can only fit me in around these choices . I thought he would increase face to face contact as time progressed but it is still the same. Any similar experiences please. Will it ever improve if like this early on in the relationship.

*The other 25%

Buy and read the book “He’s just not that into you”. It’s written by a man and his wife and is very enlightening, a really good read. In a nutshell, when the right woman comes along a guy will move heaven and earth to be with her and all his hobbies, mates, busy schedule take a back seat without him even having to think about it, because it just feels right. The author compares how he was with his previous gfs and with his wife. He was not a bad person and I am sure your bf is not a bad perdón, but the two of you are just not sufficiently right for each other for the relationship to progress. Onward and upward!

Have you posted before about him cancelling your weekend date to do something with his Mum, and he lives with her?

If yes then I think you need to let this one go. He is not the one for you. Far too much angst for a 'some months' long relationship.

Oh god OP are you joking? Imagine he did want to get serious and move in together at some point, he’d be expecting his meals cooked and his washing done and to be treated like lord of the manner.Then he’d fuck off out to see his various groups of friends or insist on being alone to play xbox or wank or whatever it is he does, all the time needing to be adored.

Even if the relationship did have legs there’ll be chains on them for you. Bin him off and look for an adult.

If you ever have DC you’ll spend all your time looking after them, you don’t need a manchild as well.

The thing is, a man in his 30s is pretty much all the man he's ever going to become. You can't expect him to change now because he won't.

The thing about his mum thinking you're a good influence - I would stick a million pounds on that lasting until you got married, or had her grandchild.

Mid - thirties??!

Wow, I genuinely thought from the description that he was about 23!

He won't change. Don't make yourself slowly miserable. Cut your losses now before you've invested too much time. He probably is a nice enough guy but you want totally different things. You will get your heart broken.

The way I'm reading it he does have a lot of free time. He chooses to spend his free time on his friends and hobbies. They are his priority, you are not. If he wanted to spend more time with you he would make time.

If he’s nice in all other ways, why don’t you be pro-active, and if he says he’s going to the bar with x, y, z on Friday, then reply, ‘ok, what time shall I meet you there’, or invite yourself along to watch/participate in his hobby. His response will speak volumes. Ie. Includes you, then the relationship is going forward, makes excuses why you can’t go (unless there is valid reason), then he’s not a life partner.

He fits you in around everything else ../ it should be everything else fitting around you.

In his 30s and a mummy's boy who doesn't want to see you very often?

Come on, OP!

Dump his !

Oh boy!

Red flags galore!

Op go look at the "signs that a man will be a deadbeat dad" thread! You may recognise a few things!

"Honest and straight up with me" when someone tells you who they are LISTEN.

"but a mummy's boy so can be spoilt and self obsessed at times" translation used to being put on a pedestal and expects things his own way at all times.

"he likes his own company and to spend time on his own regularly." Not really interested in a relationship

"He said too that he likes to spend plenty of time on his hobbies and with his friends. He has a large amount of friends and hobbies. I'm happy with that. What I am not happy about is that he can only fit me in around these choices"
You're an afterthought not a priority

"I thought he would increase face to face contact as time progressed but it is still the same." Why did you think that? He's been clear that's not something he's interested in, both in words AND Action

"I see him during the week to watch a movie or have dinner and at weekends for a day out and then we stay at mine on that night" so presumably sex that night? This is little more than a booty call, I know fwb with more non sexual contact than this.

"He is unusually close to his mother . He spends a good deal of time with her and loves going home weekly to her home cooking and spending time with her . He likes to be minded and cared for and fawned over by her" in a ltr he expects to always be prioritised. Unlikely to pull his weight on household chores, mental load, childcare...

"Mummy likes me a lot and sees me as a good influence on her son" you're her chance to get shot of the lazy entitled son she's raised. Also perhaps hoping you'll correct where she screwed up!

"I've met most of his friends too. I feel that I am not really invited to his friends events so much because he has lots of different groups of friends so when they meet , it is solo" that's really odd. Sounds like he's different with different people and doesn't want people to realise.

"His whole existence is very rigid and tightly managed. Specific times for specific events. They do not cross over too much"
That's very controlling

Nope!

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

If he's like this when the relationship is fairly new,I can more or less guarantee it will only get worse,not better as time goes on.

Oh no. Run a mile from this one.

OP he will not change. Run like the wind!

And find someone who makes you feel a million dollars rather than making you feel unwanted and insecure.

Seaweed has nailed it;

His mother currently meets all his relationship needs, bar the sex. He has you for that. So he's getting everything he wants now.
He may eventually be persuaded to marry and have kids, but only because his mother wants him to marry 'someone' and give her grandchildren*
His relationship with you pleases his mother
That's about 75% of why he's in it. The other 25% is the sex
He gives as little of himself as he needs to keep mummy thinking he's a great boy
You are also a vehicle to provide grandchildren (and produce more little hims for her to fawn over)

It's a chilling and succinctly post but spot on!

I actually think you're the less ethical one here, OP, because you seem so determined to push this man into having more of a relationship with you than he wants. He hasn't 'led you on' in the least. He just doesn't want any more commitment, or for you to be any bigger a part of his life than you are at the moment, and he has told you this. Clearly and repeatedly. Why are you whining instead of listening to him?

He's Just Not That Into You.

Go watch the film. A couple of times if necessary.

Mid 30s (snigger). I thought this was going to emerge as a post by a 17 yr old worried by her non committal teenage boyfriend. Run, this one was still single in his 30s when you met him for a reason.

I am grateful for the replies . I sense people are shocked and bewildered by my posts which we've only to make it more unbelievable that I put up with him for so long... 21 weeks was 21 weeks too much .Anyway I'm going to dump him . I'm too old for that behaviour. Thanks everyone .

you seem so determined to push this man into having more of a relationship with you than he wants. He hasn't 'led you on' in the least. He just doesn't want any more commitment, or for you to be any bigger a part of his life than you are at the moment, and he has told you this. Clearly and repeatedly. Why are you whining instead of listening to him?

I agree. You seem a bit, well, desperate to find a partner to have children with. This man clearly doesn't want that, and there is nothing wrong with that.

You shouldn't be with a man hoping to change him. You should be with a man because you love him the way he is (with all his foibles and flaws, which all of us have).

That's a fair point thanks

Yeah. Don’t beg him to love you. He cant, he loves himself, no room for someone else there.