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Original poster

Will he always be like this?

99 replies

fitbitfreak · 06/06/2019 12:02

New boyfriend of some months .Honest and straight up with me but a mummy's boy so can be spoilt and self obsessed at times. He is generally very sweet. Very popular etc.
He has been honest from the get go that he likes his own company and to spend time on his own regularly. No problem there. He said too that he likes to spend plenty of time on his hobbies and with his friends. He has a large amount of friends and hobbies. I'm happy with that. What I am not happy about is that he can only fit me in around these choices . I thought he would increase face to face contact as time progressed but it is still the same. Any similar experiences please. Will it ever improve if like this early on in the relationship.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 06/06/2019 14:53

Run. Not because he's necessarily a bad guy - he doesn't sound like it. But because you want different things. He wants lots of his own time, and lots of time doing other things and not needing to prioritise your relationship. You don't. So move on now before it's too late.

Original poster
fitbitfreak · 06/06/2019 14:54

Met all the family and extending family too. We get on very well together . Mummy likes me a lot and sees me as a good influence on her son .she invites me to their home for important family occasions .I've met most of his friends too. I feel that I am not really invited to his friends events so much because he has lots of different groups of friends so when they meet , it is solo . His whole existence is very rigid and tightly managed. Specific times for specific events. They do not cross over too much .im not sure that I want to deal with a man who wants to be with his mother so much tbh

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 06/06/2019 14:57

oh, and in the nicest possible way, I have seen too many men impose THEIR idea of what a relationship should be on my female friends. Because we're conditioned to be more accepting maybe? I don't know why, but inevitably, if there's a mismatch, it always seems to be the woman who has compromise. It's the women who want to get married but don't feel they can "force" the men. Its my SIL who would sell her soul for a few hours a week to go to the gym then drink coffee, ALONE, but she can't because she's racked by guilt that her DP wants to spend every minute with her.

I had a brief long-distance thing with this guy years ago. When he told me he wanted to come to mine at 1am after he'd been at a party (he was back in the UK for this work party), when we hadn't seen each other in 2 months, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. And lo and behold, he pretty much ghosted me after that.

DistanceCall · 06/06/2019 14:57

Look, OP. You want certain things. He wants different things. He is not willing to compromise on the things he wants. Are you willing to compromise on yours? (And it sounds like it would be you doing all the compromising).

That's all there is to it.

Boysey45 · 06/06/2019 15:02

He likes to be minded and cared for and fawned over by her and at times by me .. likes to be cooked for and told that he is amazing in every way.

This is dreadfull, hes a grown man not a baby or a toddler. You need to take a hard look at yourself OP for putting up with and perpetuating this utter shit.

piscis · 06/06/2019 15:04

@ Boysey45 Exactly what I thought

BossAssBitch · 06/06/2019 15:06

Frankly, he sounds awful, a self obsessed mummy's boy. Yuk. Bin him pronto.

eddielizzard · 06/06/2019 15:14

The relationship boards are full of threads where the DH is off having fun with mates, spending holidays doing hobbies, prioritising MIL over DW and DC. The DW is stuck at home doing all the boring grunt work with no life.

He's not going to change.

greydayatmosphere · 06/06/2019 15:16

I think the 'likes to be told he is amazing in every way' is enough reason to dump him tbh.

You want to be someone's partner and equal, not their adoring fan.

Original poster
fitbitfreak · 06/06/2019 15:17

The further the post goes and the more posts that appear, the more pathetic he has become to me. He is in his thirties . FWIW

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/06/2019 15:18

I think he’s been very honest with you about what sort of person he is and how he wants to spend his time. Listen to what he’s telling you. You obviously want different kinds of lives.

SilverySurfer · 06/06/2019 15:19

He likes to be minded and cared for and fawned over by her and at times by me .. likes to be cooked for and told that he is amazing in every way.

Wow he sounds a catch...... that's if you are wanting to be his mummy number two. Hmm Alternatively you could dump his sorry arse back with mummy, raise your relationship bar and find an adult with whom to have a relationship.

GroggyLegs · 06/06/2019 15:19

Oh crikey.

I thought we were talking about a young adult 23/24? He's in his 30s?

Yeah. No.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 15:23

Oh, FFS, fitbit, he won't be a 'super dad' or a good life partner. He's a narcissistic twat who's nice to you when it suits him because he likes having his ego stroked and his cock sucked. He is very immature and you are totally incompatible. You need to raise your standards here but your time is yours to waste and if you are looking for a real partner then that is exactly what you are doing with this guy.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 15:24

He's in his 30s? C'mon, fitbit, you're smarter than this!

EGate · 06/06/2019 15:33

His CHOICE is to put being by himself and hobbies as 1st and 2nd choices.

His CHOICE is to put you last

I love time alone, when my partner works away he misses me like crazy and I am fine. I spent a good portion of my life single so I am used to it.

However it is my choice to sacrifice my me time to spend time with him. If I lived closer to my friends, my choice would be him first, it may be only 55% of the time him, but seeing him would be most frequent.

He's not at that stage where spending time with you gives him enough enrichment to want to prioritise you. This is not to do with you and not your fault.
I don't think he's that into you, he may do in time if you wish to give it another 1-3 months. If after 4 weeks there is no difference, start thinking and after 2 its a no.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 15:35

I don't think he's that into you because he's too into himself.

Mac47 · 06/06/2019 15:38

I have no interest in seeing someone every night, so I don't think his frequency of wanting to see you is an issue. I would run from someone who wanted to see me all the time. However I would dump his arse for being a mommy's boy.

MrsEricBana · 06/06/2019 15:39

Sorry but please drop him. You deserve someone who really wants to make time for you.

MrsEricBana · 06/06/2019 15:39

And all the time you're with him you're not with someone better.

billy1966 · 06/06/2019 15:40

OP
I'm no clairvoyant but I can see a miserable future existence for anyone who gets caught up with him.

MN is full of men who expect their lives to remain unchanged with marriage and children and become nasty pieces of work when their wives question their preferred narrative.

Don't waste a minute more of your time.

MissConductUS · 06/06/2019 15:46

You're a hobby, just like all the rest. You've been scheduled for a certain amount of time and attention and that is that. You can't change that any more than rugby or bird watching or any other hobby would.

His attachment to his mum is borderline unhealthy.

Saffy101 · 06/06/2019 15:55

You are not his priority he is.

No need to throw a hissy fit, explain quietly but firmly that your needs are not being met with the relationship, it isn't him but his terms and that therefore sadly it must end.

This way in the unlikely event he wishes to totally change his "relationship model", as he has set out the terms, he does have that chance.

Good luck.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/06/2019 16:02

I mean he was upfront with you from the start about it so you can't really say you were duped by him but you do have the choice to say this isn't working for me and dump him

Seaweed42 · 06/06/2019 16:08

His mother currently meets all his relationship needs, bar the sex. He has you for that. So he's getting everything he wants now.
He may eventually be persuaded to marry and have kids, but only because his mother wants him to marry 'someone' and give her grandchildren.
His relationship with you pleases his mother.
That's about 75% of why he's in it. The other 50% is the sex.
He gives as little of himself as he needs to keep mummy thinking he's a great boy.
You are also a vehicle to provide grandchildren (and produce more little hims for her to fawn over).

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