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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not organise birthday parties for DC.

56 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 06/06/2019 07:52

Hi all, my DC aged 8 and 3 (nearly 4) have never had a ‘party’. We have presents balloons and cake at home. Rather than a party we have a day out - a theme park, the zoo, the seaside etc and usually tea out. DS has always been happy with this. He has asd and would find a party overwhelming.

DD is 4 soon both my DM and MIL are expecting me to hold some big party with her Pre-school friends because if I don’t she will miss out (according to them)

I just couldn’t think of anything worse at this age. 20-30 little kids to entertain whilst all their parents watch the from sidelines.

Please tell me DC aren’t missing out because they don’t have big parties??

It’s not like we don’t celebrate. We always have a great day doing our own thing, presents, cake, balloons, banners, a day out, tea out and visit family.

My mum used to organise parties for me as a youngster and I always hated them. I have always been an anxious person who hates being the centre of attention so I feel like them she forced them on me and I don’t have particularly fond memories of them.

Surely I’m not the only one who thinks having a large party is unnecessary??

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 06/06/2019 07:54

Completely unnecessary and a very recent thing. I did them because I sort of enjoyed them. Not for ds.

Having said that, an old school party games and tea for 6 kids at home is a lot of fun for the slightly older ones - say 7 or 8.

fairweathercyclist · 06/06/2019 07:55

Does your 8 year old get invited to parties (though I see he has ASD and wouldn't want to go anyway)? That would be my main concern - people wouldn't see that you don't do parties, they'd just think their kids aren't invited, so they won't invite your dd. But you don't have to have a large party, you could have a smaller group.

Other idea - if your DM and MIL think their grandDD needs a party, can they organise and host it? Just a thought.

Of course you will get some MN keyboard warriors on here saying what a selfish pointless mother you are for not wanting to do big parties. Ignore such nonsense.

IceRebel · 06/06/2019 07:58

Surely I’m not the only one who thinks having a large party is unnecessary??

I agree large parties are unnecessary. However, if your daughter would like a party with her friends I think it would be nice for her views to be considered.

You and your son sound very similar, in that a smaller day with family is your birthday preference. This might not be the case for your daughter, as she grows up she may prefer a small party with friends rather than just her family. If this is the case I think you need to help facilitate parties with friends, even if they're not what you would have chosen.

RedSkyLastNight · 06/06/2019 07:59

Surely (as you've demonstrated very well by your own childhood experience where your mother organised something you hated), this is about doing what your DC want? We never had big parties either but the DC have enjoyed smaller parties or going out to do an activity with a few friends.

Singleandproud · 06/06/2019 08:01

I would ask Dd what she wanted, just because you and your son wouldn’t like a birthday party doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t. If she wants a party then I would give her one.

Of course as DM and DMIL are so keen they can help!

Parties don’t have to be a big hassle (never do them at home) you hire the nearest soft play or trampoline park, hand out the invites and the venue sorts the rest (make sure food is included in the fee. The venues normally have a minimum restriction of 8 children so you don’t have to invite all of them if you don’t want to.

One of the reason Ive always thrown DD a party is because I work, don’t do the school run and therefore she doesn’t tend to have many play dates and I don’t know her friends or their parents. The parties are my way of getting to know her friends parents as well.

OhJustElfOff · 06/06/2019 08:02

I certainly wouldn't do one every year but I do occasionally so my dc don't accuse me of never having one, we do similar to you most years and have a much better time. They certainly aren't necessary and at those ages they get far more out of a family fun day out imo.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 06/06/2019 08:02

I have many dc. Parties have always been a small few friends at home affair. Nobody asked for a big party! All their guests came back again and again so must have had a good time!! Dd 13 had 5 to bowling and it was the biggest bash we have had.
I dropped her off with a party organiser!! Bloody great idea!!
Do not feel bad op. Tell mil she can host his 21st!! And sil can make the cake!!

LIVIA999 · 06/06/2019 08:04

I never do parties. This year for the 12 year old we had six or seven friends in the park with party rings, crisps and jam sandwiches.
Big parties are a total waste of time imo.

ImogenTubbs · 06/06/2019 08:05

Would your DD even like a party? Would the grandmothers like to arrange and host it for her? I don't think it's necessary, no, but as your children get older you might have to let go of your own past prejudices if it's what they really want. Don't forget there is always soft play at that age! Hell, but minimal organizational pressure!

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2019 08:09

It's just my personal opinion but I think it is good to do what the child wants. If you can afford it and manage it.

You clearly didn't enjoy your childhood parties and have concerns about how your son would cope.

But if your dd has no special needs, she may love a party.

It doesn't need to be big.

If you are pareting with someone else (dh/dp) then they could do the up front games or craft or whatever, while you do the food out of the way of attention.

If you are with a partner it should be a partnership and work together.

Damntheman · 06/06/2019 08:10

They aren't missing out. You're making birthdays a really special family day! I had this my whole childhood and I loved it. I got to choose what we did on my birthday and what kind of cake I wanted. I didn't have a friend party until I was 18 and I'm totally okay with that. You keep on keeping on OP!

IceRebel · 06/06/2019 08:13

I got to choose what we did on my birthday... I didn't have a friend party until I was 18 and I'm totally okay with that.

Would you have been allowed a birthday with friends if you'd have asked for one?

I think that's the crux of the issue. If a child is happy to have family parties then that's fine. However, if they would like a party with friends but aren't allowed one, then that's where it could start to be problematic.

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2019 08:13

Your idea that other parents watch from the sidelines almost suggest you think they may judge you. Is that how you feel? My experience is other parents have been an amazing help, my daughter's God mother decorating her 3rd birthday cake because I had run out if time, another friend supervising the bouncy castle because she had brought a whistle!

Some party venues give you a party host who assists.

I think it may even help you to take some steps to tackle your anxiety because as time goes on your dd may request a party so being prepared would be good.

Lastly, IMHO most parents do not like holding children's parties but do it because it is s celebration. If both kids are happy with outings or family only celebrations then I'd say it is fine. But if your dd would like a party I would give it a go.

Start small. Keep it short and simple. You may surprise yourself! There is s certain delight to the moment the last guest leaves, your dc switches on the TV and you sink into a chair with a cuppa!

(I've had an anxiety, and had CBT which worked well- so I am not making light of any anxiety you may feel.)

Flowers
averythinline · 06/06/2019 08:16

What would your DD like? does she go to other kids parties....?
I was not a party person as a child.. but my DC loved a party...
they dont always have to be massive....we did a mixture of home pass the parcel types /soft play /sports hall (about 6 ) /park picnic & games..
friends have done crafty types (home and at venues)

maybe dont explicitly ask your daughter as she will know you dont approve ...and for 4 soft play is ideal -in play/food n cake/more play done....

MrsWidgerysLodger · 06/06/2019 08:21

Providing that your DCs aren't begging to have a party and you're denying one for whatever reason I think that's fine. I was an anxious child and often remember feeling out of the loop and lonely at my own party. The kind of days out you describe would have been a perfect celebration for me!!

Seeline · 06/06/2019 08:23

My DCs loved their parties. They loved going to their friends' parties and wanted ones of their own.
They only had them between the ages of about 4-6, and then after that had smaller groups for more organised things like pottery painting, laser quest, cinema etc. The big parties were great - hired a church hall, played games, had a bouncy castle. A couple of times we had a magician which was great. Tradition al party tea and pass the parcel. Other parents always happy to help.

I can understand some people not wanting tis, and I can understand the circumstances surrounding your DS, but please check with your DD and see what she would like. Part of being a parent is getting over our own issues and insecurities to make sure our DCs don't suffer because of them.

pikapikachu · 06/06/2019 08:24

It's unfair to force a child who's not keen to have a party but I think that children generally enjoy them and it's nice to do them. You don't have to invite 20-30. There's a school of thought that for young kids, the number of invited kids should equal the birthday child's age so 4 kids invited to a 4th birthday.
The easiest thing to do is something like softplay. Why do you think that other parents will sit on the sidelines and judge? I've never done that lay a party- I'm usually chatting while keeping an eye on my child. If you have a big party of 20-30 you don't have to supervise all of them alone, you obviously recruit more adult help.

Laiste · 06/06/2019 08:24

I think it makes not one jot of difference in the big scheme of things.

If you don't want to throw big number parties then it's fine. If they are invited to parties they go with a big smile and a present and have a great time and say thanks. I really don't think anyone keeps a spread sheet about reciprocation. As your DCs grow they'll ask you if they can have x and y over to do something for their birthday and you can take them all out for pizza or bowling or cinema or something.

I've got big ones (20s) and little ones (5) and i've never thrown a big party for any of them,. They still all had and have loads of mates and it's a complete non issue.

(both SILs and MIL are very into their 'big do's for every birthday. they probably think i'm very boring but DH and i are just not into it all)

SavoyCabbage · 06/06/2019 08:26

My dc each had a party every year as we lived abroad so we had no family to have a family type party with.

I never had a big whole class one and they were always a lit of fun. You just have to throw yourself into it for the time that the party is on.

I wouldn’t do it just because someone else thought I should though.

Millie2018 · 06/06/2019 08:26

I have such good memories of my birthday parties that I’ve always thrown my DC parties. This year DC aged 4 had 35 children at a soft play. It was crazy but she loved it. Most parents got a cup of tea and sat on the edge. It was fine, gave them a chance to have a break. If DC said they wanted to do something else I’d be ok with that, I just want them to have the same memories as I do.

thegreatcrestednewt · 06/06/2019 08:28

Your dd is not you. She may enjoy a party. Have you asked her? You don't have to go mad and ask 20 people. You could ask her best 4 or 5 friends round for tea and party games.

Don't let your anxiety or insecurities stop you doing nice things for your dc.

ElectricLions · 06/06/2019 08:29

Never had large school party or preschool party. Ds1 introvert and wanted exactly what you have been doing, farm, theme park, beach day.

Ds2 also never wanted them. As they got a bit older they asked that the money a party would cost be put toward a weekend away and as their birthdays are relatively close together they clubbed it together. Smart kids. Wink

ComeAndDance · 06/06/2019 08:30

I wouldn’t organise a big party for a child that wouldn’t enjoy it. So not having one for your 8yo makes sense.
I wouldn’t organise a big party for a 4yo either tbh. At that age, they easily get overwhelmed, will have the parents staying too etc...

We didn’t have a ‘big’ party until they were about 7~8yo and then choose the soft play etc... to make it as painless as possible.

NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 06/06/2019 08:30

I give mine a choice. Party (max 6 other children) at home or a day out with me and sibling.

MyOtherProfile · 06/06/2019 08:32

There are so many easy ways to host a party if dd wants one. Local kid places like soft play, family friendly farm centres etc often do children's parties so you don't have to do very much.