To not organise birthday parties for DC.

[Shootingstar1115]

Hi all, my DC aged 8 and 3 (nearly 4) have never had a ‘party’. We have presents balloons and cake at home. Rather than a party we have a day out - a theme park, the zoo, the seaside etc and usually tea out. DS has always been happy with this. He has asd and would find a party overwhelming.

DD is 4 soon both my DM and MIL are expecting me to hold some big party with her Pre-school friends because if I don’t she will miss out (according to them)

I just couldn’t think of anything worse at this age. 20-30 little kids to entertain whilst all their parents watch the from sidelines.

Please tell me DC aren’t missing out because they don’t have big parties??

It’s not like we don’t celebrate. We always have a great day doing our own thing, presents, cake, balloons, banners, a day out, tea out and visit family.

My mum used to organise parties for me as a youngster and I always hated them. I have always been an anxious person who hates being the centre of attention so I feel like them she forced them on me and I don’t have particularly fond memories of them.

Surely I’m not the only one who thinks having a large party is unnecessary??

As long as you take your DC's views on board it will all be fine. As PP have said, your DS doesn't want parties, but please don't just assume that your DD will feel the same as she gets older. There are some stupid people who find some kind of moral superiority in disliking parties and social activities - they think it shows how much more special and sensitive they are. Don't turn into one of those.

If your daughter wants a party then keep in small, have 4 (as she will be 4) friends over after school for a play date and birthday tea. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy. If she doesn’t want one then don’t bother but ask her again next year. I appreciate that you don’t have great memories of parties and that your son doesn’t like them but you don’t want your daughter to turn round to you in 15/20 years time and say how sad she is that she never had a chance to have a birthday party.

Why don't you ask your DD what she wants? She is not a carbon copy of her brother or you and may want different things. She may love having a party.

You could keep it small and just invite a few friends around. You don't have to invite the whole class.

I don’t think you need to do a party for her pre school friends but generally oncekids are in school, most do like a party.

DD is also being assessed for autism (not diagnosed) but she’s higher functioning. She is speech delayed and can’t really express what she wants so I’m unsure 😭 she can deal with parties she’s been to a few and enjoyed them but not sure if I want to hold her own party or not.

She will be just happy with cake tbh 🤣

I was prepared to organise a big party for my dd when she turned 3, but I asked her who she wanted to invite and could only name one child. So she had that cold round for afternoon tea and a play date then family later. She loved it.

At that age I think you could ask her and work out what she would like.

I do a small at home party for DC2 (8). I have an older DC with ASD. no party for her. she doesn't have friends, never gets invited (we even got regularly excluded from all class parties when she was younger). I wouldn't know whom to invite. We have s nice day out instead.

Sorry cross post, if she loves cakes maybe you to could make some and then have family or a small group she is comfortable with round to enjoy them?

I've heard a few people with the rule of inviting as many friends as the birthday year - so four invites for a four year old etc

why would it have to be 20-30 kids, why not just her actual friends? DD's 4th was the first 'party' she had, we invited 4 girls from nursery. She was very happy with that! Her parties have never been more than 10 at the most (she's 9 now).

We do big parties and I love it, our children seem to love their parties and when we attend parties the birthday children seem to enjoy all the attention too.

It sounds like you’re projecting your own dislike of childhood parties onto your children- what makes you think your DD wouldn’t enjoy it?

Btw it doesn’t have to be a big deal or big issue- you can book a hall, bouncy castle or entertainer, order in some party food and make up some bags/ decorations with minimal effort. Why is it such a big thing for you? You can still do your days out in addition

Older dc get more out of parties, 4 is a bit young for that, wait till they ask for them.

My dcs are in their 20s and I never did a big party. Maximum 8 close friends round. We had entertainers to the house or did games in the garden.
First ( and only) big party we had was their 18th.

I had one big party at aged 5 which was shared with a kid at school because we couldn't afford it. I preferred having the home parties which were just for me! When I got to be 10/11 I was allowed to have sleepovers at home. Parties aren't essential!

Your DC are not missing out at all. They have a lovely celebration at home with the people who love and care for them and a family day out. If big parties are held at all it should only be for special birthdays. Just ignore your DM & MIL.

I think most parties are thrown to validate the status of parents as being good parents ...which is a load of rubbish. I say remove the additional cost and organisation from parents and do what you do.

It isn't as if your DD is begging for a different type of birthday party. Ignore what others mum's do. Treating your DC to a lovely family day out is much better. When they look back later in life they will remember family days out. I'm not sure they'd have the same fond memories of birthdays parties shared with transient friends from their school class.

You can invite a friend to the outing if you want. If they ask for a party you can consider it. 4 is quite little really to be properly sociable

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We’re similar to you OP. We do days family days out. Aquarium, cinema, theme park, etc. I did one class party for DC1 age 8. I felt that was at an age they would remember it. DC2 will have one class party then too. I hated hosting as I’m like you. I never liked birthdays much and hate having to socialise with other parents and be centre of attention. DC enjoyed it. DC have been invited to various parties over the years regardless of them not hosting. DH takes them whenever possible! I think the parties are few and far between after age 8 thankfully. Do what you want to do and ignore family members. They are your DC so it’s your decision. They are not missing out.

Sounds like what you do now is lovely!

Why not give her the choice? Or wait until she asks for it?

I’ve always thrown big parties for my kids (from age 2, family party for first birthday) just because they enjoy it and also because they get so excited when they get an invitation to someone else’s party so it seems fair to spread the load.
It’s also a good time for networking with other parents too and making new friends.

I think having a family day out is also fine as long as your daughter is happy with that. What I don’t think is nice is my cousin has never had even a family party for her daughter who begs for one every year and takes her out to the pub instead to watch her get pissed!

Like others say ask your daughter. You certainly don't need to invite 30 kids!! My son is very shy and has social anxiety (he had selective mutism at nursery) but he's always enjoyed small parties. For his last party he invited 4 boys from his class over. We got all the toys out - trains, racing cars, lego, football etc and they just got on with it. I had planned to do some party games but none of them were interested, they just wanted to play with the toys. I stuck some pizzas in the oven and that was that. No stress whatsoever. My son thought this was the best party ever and he had a big grin on his face for several days afterwards. I don't see why it has to be all or nothing when many kids are perfectly happy with just having 4 or 5 friends over. You can also limit it to 1.5 hours. It'll be over before you know it.

Mine had a choice of party at home - more people, cheap(ish) activity, longer time and potential for a sleepover.
Or, cinema, swimming, etc with fewer friends, less likely a sleepover.

I would say they mixed and matched along the way.

We did a couple of joint parties too.

We're quite laid back and haven't succumbed to peer pressure to invite the whole class, party bags, etc. Like it or lump it as far as guests are concerned as long as the birthday child is happy (not at the expense of others) with the arrangements.

DD loved the parties she went to with 10-25 pre-school mates and asked for a party. So we organised them. I look forward to when something smaller will fit the bill.

I was never invited to kids parties because my mum didn't do them for me and the kids only invited kids whose parties they had been to. I hated it. Definitely do a few parties for your dd, if she likes them

If the child doesn’t want a party, of course you shouldn’t force one on them. If your DD is too young to express an opinion Andy you don’t like organism get parties then don’t have one.

However, if your DC want parties later on I think you need to try to get over your problems with parties for their sake. If they don’t like hosting parties but enjoy attending them I think it’s only polite that you reciprocate with some other kind of invitation, e.g. play date, cinema visit, etc.

I host large parties for my DCs because we all enjoy them but I do judge the parents of DCs who come to the parties year after year but never reciprocate with any kind of invite.