Partners who stay with Sex Offenders *WARNING - EXTREMELY TRIGGERING CONTENT*

[nanoonanoomindy]

Hi

I realise this is a very uncomfortable subject but a thread on mumsnet a couple of days ago with a weblink for support for parents whose children have been referred to social services (can I say I absolutely agree such services should exist and that there isn't enough support for these families).

What has 'surprised' me is the extent that parents (and of course mainly mothers) are posting for advice and contempt that SS are involved as they are in a relationship/married to a partner who has been convicted of downloading child abuse images/found to be grooming 13/14 year olds. 'He was in a bad place, he's not like that now', 'He's been on this course and won't reoffend' and the best 'it was a malicious accusation' - negating the 1001 images recovered from his PC and can't understand while SS have a contact order meaning her partner can't have access to her children is in place.

There are women on there who KNOW their partners wave been convicted of abuse to children and are still claiming 'he isn't a threat'

It's so common on this link surely we have to have some wives/GF's on mumsnet who agree - I genuinely hope those living with a partner/whose children have been removed because you put your sex offender bloke first, will come forward and explain what I'm missing.

Wow. Just read whatashew's link.

Repulsive.

The but where she says:
It was very hard for him, but he needed to address and wanted to address what he had done

Very hard for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That board the OP linked to is fucking horrible.

'how can I make it okay for my convicted child abusing partner, to have access to my children, because I love him so much and my need for a partner comes above and before my child's safety'

Any woman who stays with such a man is not only fucking deluded, but a dreadful mother. I've had a glance at that forum, and I'm appalled. Women talking about their husband's penchant for images of child abuse as if it's no worse than being a bit too into the footy. Appalling.

I had a look, and wished I hadn't. It's vile. I can't believe that other posters are actually encouraging these women. The website should be banned.

It's a disgrace, but then you only have to look at MN to see scores of women who move their new partners in with their DC within a few months of getting together with them. I always want to say to them, YOU might be ready to move in with your DP, but it's incredibly harmful to DC to have a virtual stranger (which they are after just a few months, don't kid yourself) move into their private space and be there 24/7.

LOADS of women put their own need for a relationship before their DC (including staying with an abusive man). Some people shouldn't be allowed to have DC if they won't put them first and protect them from harm.

Actually I need to correct myself - it's not just women who do this, in fact generally men are FAR more likely to prioritise a new relationship over their DC going by the MN Relationships board. But they're less likely to shack up with a sex offender because most sex offenders are male.

That's true, but sadly a lot shack up with the evil stepmother. Both sexes are just as guilty.

But then the biological parents can be the abusers too, as my childhood shows, and as others on here have said.

When this has come up on here before I've seen people say they stay so they can try to protect their kids by never leaving them alone with the abuser. If they split then the kids would have access visits where they have no control over what happens.

That can only stand where the woman finds out after having kids though, not for women that get with someone knowing they are a paedo.

It’s all very black and white from the outside but I think it’s an extremely complex issue.

In my case the abuser was my supposed biological father. In reality he wasn’t (my mother used a sperm donor).

Have NC.

My partner was raped as a child by mothers husband. This animal was sleeping with her sister. Mother supported the rapist. Years later this woman's (different) husband raped their daughter. Mother saw the husband doing it. Stood by the rapist.

I won't elucidate my thoughts as they are extremely clear given the above.

Whilst sexual abuse is the tangent you can look to psychological and physical abuse too and the sheer amount of partners who enable and support the abuser.

Sigh.

Their poor children. It terrifies me. I was abused by my father and it has affected my whole life. These women should be ashamed of themselves.

Their poor children. It terrifies me. I was abused by my father and it has affected my whole life. These women should be ashamed of themselves.

I absolutely agree, SinkGirl. I can forgive my DM, as there was no reason for her to know what my F was like before she married him. I accept that she didn't know what was going on, though I do blame her for not being around to see what was going on.

But for women who do know and turn a blind eye, that's totally shameful. Now I have my DDs, I find it all the more disturbing, I can't see how a mother can allow her children to be damaged like that.

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I had a look at that board too.
The mothers that supported the partners were IMO incompetent and weak people, possibly made that way by being brought up in a similar environment. In that case, I kind of don't blame them. They are weak and stupid and have low self-esteem etc.
The posts that really got my goat were from sex offenders who blamed 'a low point' or depression for acsessing images of child rape.
I've got bipolar II, I wrote the book on depression and irrational behaviour! It's never once involved hurting a human or wanting to look at pictures of humans being hurt. It's absolute bullshit - you can see from their writing and reasoning how they manipulate people who aren't clued up. Thank Goddess for switched on probation officers and social workers.
I used to work with at risk children and I've seen it first hand in CP meetings or just in passing with incompetent mums. Generally they were either completely vague and unaware of reality due to drugs, abuse or mental illness or they were utterly selfish and conniving about how things had happened. This last group used to blow my mind. You'd be at a meeting trying to discuss a child in terrible circumstances and they'd just talk about themselves and their troubles the whole time.
I hadn't had kids yet when I did this job so I was calmer. Now I'd likely get a bit arsey with them.

to you too

I have a wonderful husband who is a wonderful father and I still can never be 100% sure that he wouldn’t hurt our children. I know that most spouses say that their partner would never do that. So how do you ever trust anyone?

If I found out today that’s DH was on the sex offenders register from before we met, he’d be out of the house by tonight.

I stupidly looked at that board - one post from a woman who’s only just met her SOR bf and won’t put her kids first, yet thinks SS are crazy for worrying he will groom her? HE ALREADY IS!

I'm regularly sat in CP conferences where this is the problem. As other posters have said I never would have imagined the prevalence of it until I did this job. It frustrates and angers the shit out of me that these women put their relationships ahead of their children, but in a large percentage of the cases the mother is vulnerable herself and has been groomed by the bastard perpetrator. Similar to women staying in relationships with DV, a lot of these vile men are incredibly clever and manipulative I have known of children being removed permanently from mothers who would not end relationships with RSOs.

He made her think he was such a good dad
once he has instilled this belief into her and is confident that she unquestioningly accepts his authority he has a green light...he knows that she will disregard or explain away anything which conflicts with her belief in him as a trustworthy authority figure.

predators are just drawn to situations where people are weak and compromised, they feed from and enjoy the sense of power

I think part of it, is that as human beings we judge ourselves and people we've come to care about/identify with less harshly than strangers.

For example, let's say I do something really stupid/irresponsible this afternoon. (Can't think of a good example right now.) I know that I've had a bad night's sleep, and I'm really worried about a close relative's health, so I'll maybe tell myself that it was one bad action, and doesn't reflect on my general responsibleness. If DH did the same thing, again the same about sleep deprivation/health anxieties, etc, applies. I'll say it was a complete aberration.

Now suppose I saw a complete stranger do it? I probably wouldn't look for excuses for them; I'd only assess the seriousness of what the mistake itself.

I think many people go through the same thought process with the really important stuff too. It's easy to recognise that an abuser in the paper is an abuser, but when the woman has been married to him gor years, she looks for excuses for in their personal lives and what you look for, you will find. And so we see these abusers and their partners claiming it was depression that made them do it.

Whosorrynow yes that's how it was sadly. My DM also kept telling us what a great dad he was, and we actually came to believe it ourselves, which was what led to us repressing the memories for so many years. My DB still does believe he was a great dad, sadly, which makes it impossible for DSis and me to be around him.

In reality for me, my F made my skin crawl when he was alive, and a large part of me hated him while also loving him. I used to shy away from him growing up and my DM told me up for hurting him, rather than asking the question why I was reacting that way.

It left me full of guilt after he died; he messed with my head long after he'd gone. Until the memories came back for both my DSis and me. We've been a real support to each other.

The only thing worse on that board are the sex offenders talking about witch hunts and the injustice of children’s services. It’s honestly sickening.

@Lizzie, would you be prepared to share a bit about how the memories came to surface after he died, did it just happen or did you have a sense something was repressed and then try to bring it forward?
(I appreciate you may prefer not to, in which case please forgive me for asking)

I’ve done a fair bit of therapy and reading and I think that if you are brought up in a household where a male’s needs, most likely your father’s needs, always come first (abuse, addiction, neglect) then you can become programmed into codependency and enabling in adulthood. Your brain will be wired from birth to kowtow to your man, whatever he does.

Add to that the extreme manipulation and grooming techniques of the abuser. The abused kids getting bought gifts etc - he must love them right?

Then pile on top financial issues, shame, fear of violence. I think some women’s brains cannot see the abuse for what it is in these conditions.

It’s tragic and only perpetuates the awful cycle through the generations. I think counselling and education is the way forward, but as we know low cost therapy can be hard to access.

I don't mind. I'd had the images in my head, and also had what appeared to be PTSD symptoms (this was pointed out to me by a doctor) and this was confusing as I couldn't think what could have caused a trauma. I was afraid I was going crazy tbh.

I stopped thinking about it, as life took over - FIL died in a car accident, DSis divorced, infertility, adoption etc. Then my DSis had a clear flashback, and I was able to connect it with an incident in our past where there clearly had been inappropriate stuff taking place. I then realised what the images were, and, instead of pushing them back, I allowed myself to remember the incident in full. It wasn't involving my F, but two others, one the man I remembered from the past and another younger man. My F was in the flashbacks, in such a way that he must surely have known what was happening.

We reported the incident to the police. They traced the man we remembered, but he was dead. My DM had been suspicious of him, and the hotel manager hadn't liked the way he was around children.

We never knew the younger man's name, but my DSis remembered him as having worked at the hotel. The police traced a man who fitted the description and age who had worked at the hotel, and my DSis identified him in an ID parade of photos; she was the one who had chatted to him at other times. The Police were sure they had their man, but it wasn't enough for the CPS to prosecute, as DM didn't remember him and neither did my DB, although we remembered him being in the room with us. He was sadly abused too, and participated, though under duress. He's seriously mentally ill now.

After all this, I had EMDR, not to bring back the memories but to process them. It did the trick, I no longer have flashbacks, but it left space for a lot more memories to come back, which I've been processing in therapy since then.

So it's a very long story. It's been a horrible process for both of us, but we're coming through it.

Also, I think the wider family’s ‘acceptance’ of the paedophile in their midst can blur the lines of what’s acceptable in that family and if you’ve not had a stable past you could be easily swayed.
A few years back my friend’s 9yo DD was molested, filmed and distributed by an 18yo family member. He did not get a custodial sentence but had all the treatment programs, was on a tag etc. Showed no remorse. At a recent family baby shower/gender reveal type party an arrangement was made whereby my friend and her DD would attend the first half of the shower, and the offender would attend the second half. My friend was distraught but still went along with the arrangement as her DD wanted to be a part of the shower. My heart breaks for her DD thinking of her being ‘moved on’ from the celebrations to allow the offender in.

So many people turns blind eye, it’s just rife.

You're right, RollonSaturday. It's like being brainwashed, well it is that. I've only woken up in the last few years. Adopting my DDs changed everything for me; I couldn't imagine treating them the way we'd been treated.

Also, the reaction from my DH and others to various things I told them about my childhood was very telling.

It’s something I’ve come across through work, most women who stayed fell into 3 groups. Either they were older women who just felt incapable of starting again mentally or financially and often couldn’t afford to finish a relationship at a stage of life where they had zero earning power and frequently little capital of their own due to their generation spending much time as SAHMs or housewives. Usually the women (understandably) lost their entire friendship groups, support networks and family links but felt that was preferable to ending the relationship. Plus religious/social views on divorce came into play.

Then the second lot of women in relationships with men on the sex offenders register were the type locked into a mad sort of folie a deux where it’s the two of them against the world being persecuted by the government who should understand that their man is a victim who requires care, love and healing for whatever trauma he claims caused the abuse. They believe recrimination is unfair and unjust and romanticise the relationship into starcrossed and persecuted lovers. I’ve actually come across women like this who have moved men who have actually sexually abused children (in person, not online) who even after being warned try and move an offender boyfriend in with their children without SS knowing. Usually with claims it was a fake report from a bitter ex who’d forced a child to make the allegations etc, etc. I’ve known women like that actually pick the boyfriend over the kids and put them in care if made to choose.

The 3rd kind used to be unusual but is becoming increasingly common and that’s women who intellectualise it. There is a movement to rebrand paedophiles as ‘MAPs’ - minor attracted persons. They’re attempting to sanitise paedophilia in a campaign which takes a lot of inspiration from gay and trans rights movements. This is something which is becoming increasingly popular amongst left wing circles and ‘woke’ SJWs. Twitter tolerates the MAP movement and media like Vice are pushing the agenda.

The basic MAP dogma is that like gay people or transgender people paedophilia is their sexual orientation which they cannot change and they ask to be ‘understood’ rather than punished. Many of them claim to be ‘non-contact’ MAPs (who just want to use images of child sexual exploitation or child dolls for thrills), I think that’s usually a smoke screen in a ‘thin end of the wedge’ sort of a way, they want those things decriminalised. An increasing number of women buy into this persecuted victim narrative and see themselves as noble and enlightened for trying to understand rather than condemning.

I don’t think the MAP argument holds much water because some people can only get their thrills through very violent and exploitative acts and we don’t as a society say ‘Oh well, poor you, just get on with it’ to people like Fred and Rose West or Ted Bundy so finding something harmful erotic doesn’t mean they have a green light to do it because they can’t help it.

Don’t work in that job any longer, it was grim.