Partners who stay with Sex Offenders *WARNING - EXTREMELY TRIGGERING CONTENT*

[nanoonanoomindy]

Hi

I realise this is a very uncomfortable subject but a thread on mumsnet a couple of days ago with a weblink for support for parents whose children have been referred to social services (can I say I absolutely agree such services should exist and that there isn't enough support for these families).

What has 'surprised' me is the extent that parents (and of course mainly mothers) are posting for advice and contempt that SS are involved as they are in a relationship/married to a partner who has been convicted of downloading child abuse images/found to be grooming 13/14 year olds. 'He was in a bad place, he's not like that now', 'He's been on this course and won't reoffend' and the best 'it was a malicious accusation' - negating the 1001 images recovered from his PC and can't understand while SS have a contact order meaning her partner can't have access to her children is in place.

There are women on there who KNOW their partners wave been convicted of abuse to children and are still claiming 'he isn't a threat'

It's so common on this link surely we have to have some wives/GF's on mumsnet who agree - I genuinely hope those living with a partner/whose children have been removed because you put your sex offender bloke first, will come forward and explain what I'm missing.

WhatAShewOff, that's truly a shocking stat, but sadly I'm not surprised.

Probably because the perps are skilled manipulators and deliberately seek out vulnerable mothers so that they can control and manipulate them into believing the sun shines out of their arse and that their whole life will be destroyed without him, as a means to gain access to their children. No doubt all the same tricks used by garden variety domestic abusers, and the reason why victims of DA are statistically likely to end up in the same kinds of relationship over and over again.

I think there are very few mentally and physically healthy, financially solvent, safely housed and well supported women who would wilfully allow their children to be abused or defend an abuser. Having control and agency over your world is a privilege that a lot of women don’t have.

I’m not saying it’s excusable, but I think you are over simplifying, by a long stretch.

Bit of both Rubber ,can't be Arsed to name change,why do you ask ?

Who’s over simplifying?

Of course it depends on the situation. I was referring to women whose longstanding partners abuse— not those who start new relationships with someone who turns out to be an abuser.

This article doesn’t have stats but suggests that plenty of women stand by their man by choice not necessity: www.thespec.com/living-story/5700358-when-you-re-married-to-a-sex-offender/

Another example here:
Sex offender's wife speaks about horror and forgiveness www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-13746538

I have no idea, some people are just dickheads and probably shouldn’t have had kids. After all there is no test for who is a fit parent and who isn’t, it’s just the done thing to reproduce.

Maybe these women in marriages are also being controlled and abused and don’t know any different so are permanently living with that cognitive dissonance about which is the lesser of two evils.

I don’t really understand the point of the post though, are you looking to argue with a theoretical person who perhaps doesn’t exist on MN?

Bit of both Rubber ,can't be Arsed to name change,why do you ask ?

Because i was wondering whether your posts constituted an official MNHQ line, of course.

Well ,the flag has been raised to us Nightwatch so yes I suppose I am here in that capacity.
There are at least 3 other Watchers on this thread ,not just me.

I'm a foster carer. There are more mothers than you could ever imagine who put their new partners before their children, even when they know their new partner is on the sex offenders register.

I will never understand mothers who put their partners (especially those on the sex offfenders register) before their children. It never ends well 😢

My children are in long term Foster care. I also have an ex partner who has since been in prison on paedophile charges. There is not a reason on this earth why I would get back with him after that. I couldn't get off the sofa for 3 days after finding out he had been arrested.
Luckily for me he had moved out of the UK but I get him used against me every single day. I have not had anything to do with him since before he got arrested. I was the one who told SS so they can protect my kids but I still get looked at like I'm going to go back there.
I didn't even know he had come back to the UK once he had left prison, but still I get judged because I knew he had been arrested from his girlfriend at the time...

This makes you realise that the shocking fact is ss must deal with Mothers who do still have these men in their lives even after these crimes.

Personally I don't know how anyone could want to have sex with a man who has had or gets these thoughts about children in their head....

My F abused my DSis and me, as did others; my DM didn't know anything about it. That's apparently common as well. In her case, she'd been orphaned at 10 and then sexually abused by the uncle who was her guardian. So, despite being a strong woman (she's still going strong at nearly 80), she was very much alone, with no family members to look out for her.

My DSis and I did find it hard to believe that she hadn't known anything about it when we told her a few years ago (we never spoke about it as children, neither did my DB, who did know), but I've no doubt that she was genuine. She was unapproachable and a workaholic and, although she did love us, we were scared of her as children, as she did smack us a lot.

We can't talk to her about it now, as she just bursts into tears when we say anything. So we don't now. She once asked me not to spoil her time with her GDDs. She's nearly 80 so it is understandable. But it's hard as my F is dead and there are so many unanswered questions.

So sorry to hear Lizzie. My mum lost her mum at 14. Also claimed not to know about the abuse. Maybe that’s another common feature. In her case it was absolutely obvious so I think she chose to turn a blind eye.

When I'm at work I frequently come across women living with RSOs , until I started in the job I had no idea it was so common

It seems highly unlikely they wouldn't know as their conditions are so stringent I can't see how they could keep it hidden. Unless they minimise what they have done or the woman is sufficiently uneducated in the matter to put two and two together.

OP, are you @loveislandsunisland? if so, why name change twice to post a link to the same platform> Why do you need us to go there so bad?

You could have easily started a thread without the link.

I agree, pp. As I said on the other thread, I don't think you'll get an answer from the OP. I didn't last night. It concerns me that pps are being encouraged (goaded?) to share their traumatic experiences and to click onto that website, especially if there is a hidden agenda. I'm sure that MNHQ will have another look this morning.

What the everloving fuck is that forum?

I need a shower.

My DSis and I can't understand how my DM didn't see it either, WhatAShewOff, but her distress has certainly been genuine, we can see that. We both repressed the memories, though, until we had young DC, so maybe she's done the same. There's lots of things that we know she was aware of that she's denied all knowledge of.

She's good at denial and minimisation, though. She minimises the SA she suffered from her uncle. And there are things from our childhood that she admits to, which she minimised when we were little. She says that she knew that our F smacked us too hard and she didn't agree with it, but she didn't do anything to stop him.

I can see now that he was emotionally and financially abusive of her, and of us. He was very controlling and paranoid (he thought she cheated on him, the irony!). He was deeply misogynistic, he was convinced that a woman's adultery was worse than a man's adultery, though he could never say why.

He insisted that we moved to Saudi Arabia when we were small children, it was a miserable life for her. Thankfully, it was only a year. But it was definitely a pattern, that she was unable to stand up to him.

He also won the sympathy vote, as he developed Parkinson's Disease. Now, I can see that a man doesn't stop being an arsehole because he's ill. It made me feel really guilty after he died that I hated him, he made my skin crawl but I couldn't work out why. I've seen some of his letters to her when she was away, and I was shocked at just how emotionally abusive they were. She was so clearly liberated after his death.

So maybe the truth is, that whatever she might or might not have known, she was unable to do anything about it. It's hard to understand when you see how strong she's always appeared to be, but she was damaged.

I find it hard to be around her, though, so I'm very low contact with her. I can't imagine knowing so little about what's going in my DDs' lives.

Your experiences sound awful, too, I'm so sorry.

Despite trying to understand why a woman would stay with a man who sexually abused children, I find it incomprehensible.

My maternal GF sexually abused his daughters. My mother still cannot talk about it and has only touched on it. She says my GM knew. I try to understand as this was in a time where if my GM had left she would have nowhere to live and no food in her stomach. He was violent to GM too. My GM was an only child whose DF abandoned her DM when young so I can understand not wanting to be alone but still think she should have left him. My parents stopped seeing them when my GF made a pass at me.

I have a friend who was regularly sexually abused by both her DF and one of her brothers. She left her country at 17 to escape. She has since told her DM but she would not leave her DH. Cultural issues. Again she would be destitute and outcast by her family if she left. My friend is now in an EA relationship and her DM said she will disown her if she leaves her H. My friend's F is now dead but she did at least confront the brother.

I also used to work with a woman whose DM knew that she was being sexually abused by her DSS, from the age of 7 to 15 when she ran away from home. Her DM did condone it.

This thread has made me realise I know about 6 friends who have suffered sexual abuse within their family unit. How horrific that is.

If I was in that position I would immediately split from the offender and would protect everyone I could from them. Hard to understand those who don't.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my maternal Grandma since I was eight because she suddenly left my Grandad one day and moved in with a paedophile . She knew full well he had been convicted and imprisoned for molesting two children under ten but claimed it was a ‘pack of lies’ and that someone was ‘out to get him’ . My DM obviously refused to visit her or speak to her again which is completely understandable, I’d have done the same.

No idea why she did that and to my knowledge she is still living with him to this day. She lost a relationship with all of her children, grandchildren and now great grandchildren as a result.

I can’t quite fathom how or why any Mother would be able to even look at a paedophile or rapist let alone make excuses for them and remain in a relationship with them. I also don’t understand Mother’s who put a man before their own children.

Too many women put Their personal lives and relationships before their kids whether he's a child molester or not. Moving men in within weeks /months of being with them, invading their child's personal space and dumping father duties on him within similar space of time.

I have DD nearly 5 and DS nearly 3 and no Idea how they find the time without palming the kids off or ignoring them.

Sexual predators don't just manipulate and groom the victims that they sexually abuse, they also manipulate and groom the people around them so that they are protected and enabled by them.

(Please note I am not excusing anyone who is complicit with sexual abuse or predatory behaviour I'm just trying to understand the processes that allow it to take place)

“It’s often easier for someone to believe evil can’t exist inside someone they love, than to admit they’ve failed someone who should be more important. We see it too often. The blind eye effect is what we call it,"

Sexual predators select their victims because they can sense that the victims are in a situation where they are vulnerable, the situation of the victim includes all those around them
The Predator has a feel for situations where he can fit himself in and manipulate people into doing what he wants so that he can get what he wants

There is a prevalent idea that floats around that a man can end up on the sex offenders register and be declared a risk to children for 'having a couple of innocent pictures of their children/grandchildren/nephews and nieces in a paddling pool'. The people who claim this do not understand that indecent images of children are categorised according to what kind of abuse is shown. I am afraid that someone convicted for possession of images, including category 5 images, is not a victim of a miscarriage of justice.

Sex offenders capitalise on this ignorance.

Whosorrynow What you say is so true. I can see now that my DM was groomed by my F. He made her think he was such a good dad, who really loved his DC so much. It just didn't occur to her that he would hurt the DDs he cared so much about.