To not want any more kids but still feel sad about it

[justanothermn]

Need a bit of a kick up the arse so posting here!

I'm 43. I have one dc aged 7.5. A stressful full on but rewarding career which I love. We are thousands of miles away from family so it's just dh and I juggling childcare lots of friends hobbies etc. Dc is happy. We are very lucky. We sat down and assessed our lives when dc was 3 and said we didn't think it was a good idea to have more kids. We were happy, we had no support, dc was happy, we have money and time to ensure dc can do whatever she wants.

But the last 3 months I have been questioning myself and feeling really sad about it.
The rational side of me is saying you are losing your fertility.. it's hormones .. ride it out! But part of me thinks it's your one chance. Are you absolutely 100 percent sure this is what you want? Then another voice kicks in and says you are only doing this because you are worried about missing out... grass is always greener etc it could be a car crash if you roll the dice .. you are old and risks are high and even at best and all is well you will massively upset family dynamic.

So I'm sure my gut is right it's just my hormones talking and in 2 years I'll be fine and looking back thinking WTF was I thinking! But just wanting to put it all down in writing really!

YANBU. Our biological drive to reproduce is very strong. We are lucky to have rational thought and choices to allow us to override this.

Lots of friends have 1 DC and there are a lot of benefits to it. It really does afford you a quality of life that parents of 2+ struggle to have in many cases.

I have 2 but would like 3 or 4 if my age, practicality, finances, giving my existing children with health problems enough time and care etc weren't an issue. But I know I won't have more. It's healthy to talk about it. You're allowed to feel this way.

The thing that really cements it is the environment. I read today that human civilisation could be over by 2050. That's 30 years away.

Nobody can advise you except each other unfortunately. We've decided to stop at one for similar reasons and it makes me feel sad that I won't have the joy of another newborn, nor of seeing DS become a big brother. Let's face it though, apart from the joy of the baby kicking, pregnancy is mostly uncomfortable, anxiety inducing and on occasion painful; plus it wrecks your body. Them these early years are so full-on; how could the second one get as much attention as the first had, and how can the first still get enough attention. Some siblings love each other and some really don't, you don't know what you'll have. But then there's never another little newborn ready to take on the world. It's so hard. Good luck with your decision.

That's a scary statistic @nanbread

But yes I think you are right it's ok to feel sad .. doesn't mean I want another baby!

I know how you feel but I always wanted more children it never happened after a divorce and my children now 12 and 10 it just seems an impossible fantasy. I don’t think the feeling ever goes judging by other mums point of views and advice I’ve been given, you just learn to live with it and appreciate what you have. Ignore anyone who tells you to get a puppy or look forward to grandchildren, it’s not realistically comparable to the way you’re feeling.

I think it’s very, very common to feel broody in your early 40s. I know I did. But from 45 onwards I was so glad I didn’t try for another child. It will pass. I can promise you that.

Thanks @Asta19

I hope that I also feel like that in the future

I get this, not helped by the fact that DH wants a 3rd, the DSes regularly ask for another sibling (just yesterday my 7 year old asked for 2 little sisters...) and that I am young enough.

I like the idea of another child. But not the reality. Mentally and physically I don't think I could cope. And the impact on my 5 and 7 year olds would be too much.

Nevertheless, I keep going over in my head, wondering if there is a way to make it work

Our biological drive to reproduce is very strong. We are lucky to have rational thought and choices to allow us to override this

I agree with this. I have one child. We will stop at one. I am 34 so I know we could probably have more but there are thousands of reasons not to. However, when I see a pregnant woman I feel a little jealous. When I look at pictures of DS (now 18months old) when he was a baby, I miss it in a way. That biological urge is very strong indeed!

When I was growing up, all the people I knew who were only children seemed to have masses more self-confidence than those with siblings.

I think it's because they now say that it's your relationships with your siblings that define you rather than with your parents.

Most of them have gone on to do really well in life too IME.

I needed to read this today. Before I had my son I wanted 3 children. He's 5 months old now and I really don't want anymore but feel guilty about it. I want to be able to give him as much as I can and I just can't imagine doing that with another child. OTOH I feel guilty for depriving him of a sibling and I will definitely want to be pregnant and have a newborn again at some point! But it doesn't logically make sense for us anymore. I also worry about the planet and wonder whether I should even have had him.

I'm also 43 and have two aged 14 and 10. I have to say I am hugely relieved not to have to go through childbirth and pregnancy as for me it would be challenging due to lots of internal scar tissue. Dangerous even. Thinking of that, (and also the very steep hill to school with a buggy or pram) does help a little when I have those feelings you describe.

It's easy to look back and see babyhood through rose tinted glasses and forget the tiredness, and the negatives as well!

I guess at our age, it is like the last chance and we know that menopause is approaching deep down, which makes us feel like this also. As soon there will be no choice. (although at this age little chance anyway tbh!)

Wait until they’re teenagers, you’ll be glad you didn’t have anymore and that broody feeling completely disappears 😊

Yep, having a teen definitely helps. I always smile when there is a topic on here and people say go for it- have more, I have three / four and they are (under ten) and it's great! I wonder what they will be saying when they have multiple teens all at once!

I have into this and had a huge gap and a baby, so I’m not practical at all! I’m knackered though 😂

Why don’t you have a chat with your dh? See how he feels? Talk about wether or not it’s doable.

Same! We had DD almost 5 and DD almost 2... This was when we would be TTC to have a similar age gap with a third child. We've decided for completely valid reasons that we will not have more children. DH could be persuaded, he's not set in stone against it. I'm more rational (and do more of the legwork and know more accurately that our finances couldn't take it!) so am being constant. But I still feel sad. And nostalgic. And reminiscent. I'm late 20s he's early 30s. Seems too young to be shutting that door.

I think its completely normal to feel how you are, I did from when I had my 2nd, I kept thinking about a 3rd and feeling jealous of anyone with 3 .

I’m 46 now and knowing that I’m way too old to have another, it’s a relief to not keeping thinking about it.

This feeling will pass, I was about your age when I started to feel relieved about not feeling broody (hate that word)!

My ds is 17 and dd nearly 12, parenting is way harder the older they get, I’m so glad I didn’t have another!

Occasionally I have the odd dream where I’m pregnant and I’m so relieved when I wake up and realise it was only a dream

I think everyone thinks like that when the clock starts thinking.
If you really want one and can afford a nanny go for it.
I have 2, I am 39, the past few weeks I've get a pang for a newborn, both of mine have additional needs, although DS age 4 is settling now, it has been horrendous, he was born crying, I know I can never have another, it is tough but I except it.
Your situation is different, if you are financially secure, you own home, have a career etc, I think go for it.

Your DC is still young, 8 year gap would be nice, they wouldn't be worlds apart in stages.

The OP says she doesn't want more kids

I'm biased but I'm very happy we stuck at one.
The reasons you first gave were our reasons for stopping.
I'm 40 and have to ignore my hormones now as I'm on medication which causes birth defects.

It sounds like you have a good balance.

Having a sibling is all very well but how close would they be with such a big age gap?

I’m 38, and mine are 14 & 19, a few years ago I was really broody. But it passed. Now they are so independent and I have my life back, I wouldn’t if I had a 3 year old. I’m so glad I didn’t push for number 3. Seriously if I found out my contraceptive cook had failed I would now be devastated.

I hear you OP.

I’m considering having a final punt with a sperm donor!

I promise you that you will get over this, op.
In a few years you'll wonder why you felt like this.
It's normal to feel broody but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to give in to it. In your circumstances I'd be content with what I have - and feel very fortunate.

I hope so @Bluerussian

I totally get you. Undecided over here! Have two DC (age 1 and 3). Considering a third, but just can’t make up my mind. I’m 40.