To not want any more kids but still feel sad about it

[justanothermn]

Need a bit of a kick up the arse so posting here!

I'm 43. I have one dc aged 7.5. A stressful full on but rewarding career which I love. We are thousands of miles away from family so it's just dh and I juggling childcare lots of friends hobbies etc. Dc is happy. We are very lucky. We sat down and assessed our lives when dc was 3 and said we didn't think it was a good idea to have more kids. We were happy, we had no support, dc was happy, we have money and time to ensure dc can do whatever she wants.

But the last 3 months I have been questioning myself and feeling really sad about it.
The rational side of me is saying you are losing your fertility.. it's hormones .. ride it out! But part of me thinks it's your one chance. Are you absolutely 100 percent sure this is what you want? Then another voice kicks in and says you are only doing this because you are worried about missing out... grass is always greener etc it could be a car crash if you roll the dice .. you are old and risks are high and even at best and all is well you will massively upset family dynamic.

So I'm sure my gut is right it's just my hormones talking and in 2 years I'll be fine and looking back thinking WTF was I thinking! But just wanting to put it all down in writing really!

Glad I'm not alone in feeling like this!

I feel like you OP. But I know having another one would not be a good idea.

I feel sad about not having mine as babies / small children and miss that, more than want another.

I really needed to read this today. I'm 33 next week, DCs are 12 and 10 and I'm so desperately broody that I cry sometimes. DH (who is not their biological father) doesn't want us to have a baby, as he is 12 years older than me and feels he is just too old. He would be parenting a teen in his late 50s/early 60s and while I agree with him in that respect, it doesn't make those feelings go away for me.
I know financially we would find it a challenge, and that adds another reason to the list of reasons not to have a baby. But, my god, when I see a pregnant woman or hear a new baby cry it's an almost physical sensation that I feel. I'd quite like it to go away now, but I imagine I've got a good 10 years before it really does.

Get a puppy!

I should add, neither of us think there's anything wrong with having children in your 40s. But I missed out on a lot by having my first baby at 20 and we both feel like my 40s and 50s will be the time when I get to do all the things I never did as a young adult. A baby would put a stop to that, for sure.

Thanks @Myusernameismud
It's such a hard decision!

I hear you. We always said we would have 2 children but I/we found the whole birth and first year of her life so tough that the idea of doing it again makes me tear up and feel a bit sick. I had PND and I think I have a little bit of PTSD about it all, still working that one out. At the same time I am sad for the second child I will never have, and when friends have babies I don't get broody as such but I do feel a little wistful. It is possible to 100% not want a second at the same time as feeling a little sad about it. Saying that, I have the daughter I always wanted and she is wonderful so I am very lucky really, but I might always wonder what a second would be like.

Do you know since DS was born (he’s DC4) I have never ever once been broody. Maybe it’s because I was lucky enough to have four which is a lot but I always knew he was the last, DH had a vasectomy, I’m on the mini pill! I’ve never wince fully looked at a pregnant woman or a newborn and wished it were me. It was as if that’s it I’m done and those feelings just went away.

Be prepared for “people” telling you you must have another, even at 40 when DS was going to school people were telling me I should have another can’t imagine what it’s like with one must get very boring very quickly

I think this is a natural part of coming towards the end of your fertile years. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go for another child if it’s what you truly want, but even if you had two or more children, you might still feel this way.

I’m 42 with two DC (14 & 10) and have really strong broody feelings, a desire to be pregnant again and experience the newborn days. However, it is almost a physical/hormonal longing and I’m aware of that. Since turning 40 it’s slowly getting m a little bit easier to engage my brain over this and focus on the reasons it would be a ridiculous idea for our family.

How does your DH feel? A big factor for me was that after DC2 was born (I was only 31 then) he said he definitely felt ‘done’ and he has never changed his position. That’s made it easier for me. I think if he’d been keen or even on the fence about a third, we might have another stroppy kid at our table .

I’m the same OP I’m in my early 30’s and feel like I’m gonna have to live with these feelings for years! I can’t bear the thought of going through pregnancy and newborn stage again (2 dc) but I feel so sad that I won’t ever see my eldest meet their new sibling again, those lovely newborn cuddles, the skin to skin, the first steps etc. It makes me really sad but I see pregnant women and think thank god it’s not me! Not jealous one bit. It’s hard and bloody frustrating to feel this way. X

For those of use who had babies on our 20s we would be hung grandparents. I would like to help my DC and their families as much as I could in future and possibly with childcare. They would be in their 30s when I was 50s/60s and would be more able to help, probably, physically than in 70s which is a thought. If they decide to have any that is.

young I meant to say

I think it's worse because having just one out of choice is such a controversial decision. Not many people choose to stop at one and think it's odd that I have or that I'm incredibly selfish and my dc will be lonely

That coupled with my bloody hormones is making me have serious doubts 😳

People have said all sorts to us about stopping at one. The one that irks me the most is the knowing look and 'you'll change your mind', I tell you now I bloody won't! I've started telling people the uncomfortable details about why I wont change my mind, I find that works well haha. It is a controversial choice though but it is just that; a choice, so you do you

Thanks @mandrakj

I do think it's the right choice for us. In dcs school there are about 15 only children I think out of 180 but the few of those I know were not choices. Most wanted more but couldn't and some lost parents so didn't have siblings ☹️

I've always been ok about my decision so it's hard to question it now when it's so late in the day! (Of my life!)

Pleased to report I'm feeling better and much more positive today!

Back to being a bit sad today

It's OK to feel sad. If it's any consolation, having another may not cure the broodiness. I wanted two, got two and still feel wistful when I see the pictures or hear about another pregnancy announcement. It's the ideal, rather than the reality that appeals - the excitement, the surprise of meeting a new person and all the hormones you get with it.

In reality, I am really glad to have my body back, a full night of sleep and the chance to work on other passions and hobbies.

This too will pass.

@TheABC yes that is what I keep repeating

This too shall pass!

Same. I'm 32 and DD is 7 but exDH screwed up the happy family life thing i had going on. As the child of a broken home i refuse to 'start again' with a new man unless he and everything else was AMAZING. I also need to really focus on my career now, any more delay an i'll be a penniless/homeless pensioner. I wanted a few adult children to watch go through life and chat to and be the matriarch of like my gran was, but i guess its just not meant to be. And there are benefits! No more nappy/babyclothes/'dont put that in you mouth!'/cant find or afford childcare hell!

This is me too. I am 36 and have two DD, 4 & 8 months. Everything practical says stop at two. I'm completely happy with two daughters, no longing for a son, the rational, logical side of me says this is a lovely family unit. DH doesn't want a third. But there is a real sadness that comes with the thought that this is my last baby.

I'm also living by the words 'this too shall pass'!

I’m in a very similar situation op. I’m 41 and have one DC aged 13.
I absolutely do not want to be pregnant again or to put my body through the stress and trauma of childbirth.
I’m pretty sure I do not have the physical or mental energy to raise another child.
Our current family dynamic is great, we have a close relationship and enough disposable income to have nice things, go on holiday, etc.
Having another baby now would change everything and I like my life as it is. I don’t want things to change.
However, I still feel sad! Sad that I won’t ever have another child. That is my heart (and hormones) talking.
My head and rational thoughts are telling me not to do it.
It is all so confusing.

A bit sad but honestly 43 is pretty old to be considering another child.

@Ihatehashtags

Yes I know it is ☹️