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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that friends partner doesn't want her and the children visiting us?

59 replies

NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 17:39

I've lived on a small commune on a farm for several years with my DC. My youngest is at the local primary where he has some good friends and I'm friendly with some of the parents, particularly one mum who I'm quite close to. She has visited us often and I've looked after her DC a few times, we've been out for drinks together etc.

Her DP of about 3 years moved in with her recently. His DC stay regularly but aren't at the same school. I've met him in passing a few times and found him ok but fairly uninterested in me which is fine.

It's my birthday next week and I'm having some people round in the evening for a barbecue and drinks. The people I live with will obviously also be there as will all the children who live here.

My friends DP has told her he "won't stop her going" but that he isn't coming, his DC aren't allowed to visit my home, and he disapproves of her bringing her DC round here Confused

This because he has heard that it's a commune, has decided it's therefore full of unemployed drunks and weed smokers (this is patently untrue, plus I happen to know he takes coke at weekends so wtf with the judgemental crap anyway?) and not a suitable place for children to visit.

The only person he's ever met who lives here... is me Hmm WTF?

OP posts:
Boom45 · 05/06/2019 19:03

It's not that he doesn't want to go to a commune that's a red flag, that's fine, its that he's telling his relatively new partner and her children they shouldn't go.

SongforSal · 05/06/2019 19:08

OP...Massively unrelated to what you are asking. But would it be rude of me to ask about your life living like you do?

I tend to imagine living in a commune as a bunch of people sharing a home, chores, childcare, cooking. But do you argue? How are financial things worked out and the division of labour?

Also. Your friends Dp sounds like a knob. I'd happily visit you in your commune Smile

cosytoaster · 05/06/2019 19:09

Wait, what? The guy doesn't want to go to a commune, presumably because he's a bit of a prejudiced twat, and suddenly it's 'abuse'? Bloody hell. That's a leap and a half.

No, he's just moved in and is beginning to exert control over OPs friend subtly by "not stopping" but "disapproving" - thus is exactly how emotional abuse starts, with little things that don't seem that unreasonable.
For the sake of OPs friend I do hope we've got it wrong but I bet we haven't.

MRex · 05/06/2019 19:09

Flagging for the commune life run-down.

He's at the very least an anti-social knob.

DishingOutDone · 05/06/2019 19:11

You long 'aired layabouts and yer post office types. FFS is he dressed in full 1970s regalia as well seeing as that's where his ideas come from? A kipper tie and flares?

Have I gone mad or is a commune simply a house share with more complicated finances? Do people seriously think it means Mormons having sex parties?

Missingstreetlife · 05/06/2019 19:12

Omg. Call it cohousing or housing assn and it's perfectly respectable guardian/Sunday times material. I also think it's controlling and red flag but I'd be a bad influence too.
A shame for her kids that this small minded person is in their lives. Carry on knitting your yogurt op and thank the goddess for you.

PinaColadaPlease · 05/06/2019 19:18

I’ve never met someone that lives in a commune, would be very interested to know what it’s like!

Lunde · 05/06/2019 19:19

Barbie222 - Do you think he has concerns about you or the people you live with? Commune implies a shared sort of world without doors so he may be worried that strangers are having access to his kids, if you all live together. From a safeguarding point of view communal living setups always get the hard stare don't they.

For goodness sake he has been invited to a birthday BBQ - not to live there!

People who attend Birthday parties do not have detailed background information on every single other guest that attends (friends, family neighbours etc) - they manage to supervise their own children while having a burger and a beer!

GrandTheftWalrus · 05/06/2019 19:22

OP I think you should do a AMA about the commune. I'm interested in it

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 19:24

I suspect many people have preconceptions on communes.

How many people do you live with? What age range are they? Why do you live there? Is the place clean and tidy? Do you all have your own rooms? Many questions.

I guess I also have preconceptions, and I'd imagine somewhere quite run down, lots of veg growing, many people who haven't fitted into society or had problems living there.

The reason I have the preconception is my druggie brother went to live in one once.

Teddybear45 · 05/06/2019 19:24

To be fair I understand exactly where he’s coming from. I wouldn’t want my kids anywhere near a commune. I do have experience of them and I think OP needs to be a bit more open and genuine about the commune - bet it will be one hell of a drip feed when she finally starts talking about them.

Letsplough · 05/06/2019 19:25

OP I think you should do a AMA about the commune. I'm interested in it

I agree

Butterymuffin · 05/06/2019 19:26

I was just thinking the same about an AMA!

The 'abuse' flag is triggered by him saying he 'won't stop her from going', as if he would be entitled, should he choose, to stop his partner going somewhere. That is what's most out of line here.

Original poster
NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 19:34

I did an AMA a while ago, I'll try and find it :)

OP posts:
WeeWeed · 05/06/2019 19:35

YANBU. If you lived in terraced housing or a block of flats and were inviting the neighbours...?

I have been to two communes, I fucking loved it and wanted to live there. One was a spiritual/meditation/woo type place but plenty more to do and the people were fantastic. The other was a bit more hippy and the people were amazing there too.

How very dare he suggest who's parties she and her kids should attend.

Nanny0gg · 05/06/2019 19:45

So presumably she's told you this about him?

What was her response to both him and you?

GinLimeandLemonade · 05/06/2019 19:47

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3300164-I-live-in-a-commune-AMA

It sounds great NoCats I'm jealous! 😊

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/06/2019 19:47

I've known several people who live in communes and collectives, and I think they look great. I'd love to live in one and it's in the back of my mind for when I get older.

As long as your friend's DP isn't being abusive and controlling, I'd just be glad that someone as dull and small minded as him isn't going to be at your party!

Aridane · 05/06/2019 20:08

Look - since posters here won't tolerate their DC visiting/ staying with their father because ex DP has a new partner and step children, which partner and children the poster DOES NOT KNOW - of course the man in question is not being unreasonable!!

HomeMadeMadness · 05/06/2019 20:12

He sounds like a dick, his partner has been there before and presumably seen that it's not a frat house where everyone will be drinking and smoking. If she'll be at the BBQ supervising I don't see what the issue is. Maybe he's trying to isolate her from friends.

HomeMadeMadness · 05/06/2019 20:14

If I was invited to a birthday BBQ I wouldn't expect to meet and vet all the guests before hand. If when you arrived you found loads of druggies smoking weed you could always leave.

GrandTheftWalrus · 05/06/2019 20:19

Thanks! Away to read it now.

Original poster
NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 20:22

Yes she told me, she said it in an eye rolly "aren't men plonkers" kind of way. She's coming with her DC anyway and I don't think he would actually try to stop her beyond saying arsey things to her. I told her he was being a prick and that he might see things differently if he actually came and met me/us properly! (Yes I called him a prick, we get on well enough that I can say that and she took it fine).

I don't know why she moved him in tbh, she doesn't seem to like him very much a lot of the time Confused I think she was lonely and he was keen to give up his house!

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 05/06/2019 20:39

The fact that he was keen to give up his house and move in would be another red flag for me along with his attempt to control your friend. Good that she's got you in her corner.

WeeWeed · 05/06/2019 20:44

@Aridane maybe read the OP again. No one has asked anyone to leave their kids with strangers. The guy and his kids were invited to a birthday BBQ. He chose to decline - fair enough, his choice.

He is being totally unreasonable telling his GF that SHE and HER kids shouldn't go to the party. She has visited the OP lots of times before at the commune and OP has minded her children there. SHE has no problem with any of this. HE doesn't want her to go to her friend's party - totally unreasonable and a red flag.